Huh. For the past couple of years, I haven't really had any real friends, besides the people who think they're my friends but I actually hate. I'm not afraid, and I don't feel nonexistent, I just see no reason to get close to anybody.
That being said, I can't say I know how that feels, or what it feels like to be dead, but *hugs*
To put it simply, my whole life, I've had friends that claimed to be friends, but not ever live up to the title; hell, even outright betray me, despite me being nothing but kind and selfless to them.
Neither bailing me out, nor being in the cell with me. I've had people invite me to groups, only to use me as a sacrificial lamb for shaming; or honey-potting me into the shameful parts to serve as their effigy for shame and humiliation. I've been the "Andre" or
butt-monkey/chew toy (SEE-
The League) of the group/league. Simply put, as if being bullied by my enemies wasn't bad enough, I was also mocked by friends and even my family; and any help I ask for for any reason or purpose I almost never get, nor is even effective. I have no friends, only associates and tools. Simply put, I work best alone, and time and again I am proven so. Essentially, I feel like a legitimate antichrist; and ironically enough, the movie The Omen doesn't help my case, since I share the name of said "antichrist" in that respect as well.
Ironically enough, to not exist, to be nothing, is what permits me to be anything and everything as I see fit. Maybe this is why I am so comfortable with nonexistence, for it has been my life. Until I can truly find others that completely agree with me, I am on my own; and I might as well work with it, instead of let it work against me.
Maybe that's why I enjoyed watching One Piece so much. And maybe why I like the Enies Lobby Arc right now as well. I truly sympathize for Nico Robin. She was an outcast, even before she became an enemy of the world. As the buster call was made on her home, the evacuation ship, issued by the marines, even rejected her. Thank goodness she wasn't on board, but that's besides the point. The entire society (besides the archaeologists) didn't want her, whether she was one or not. She was forbidden to live her entire life; even during her escapes, she was sold-out, used, betrayed left and right for decades without rest. Even after being told by an ex-marine admiral, and even her old team that things will work out nonetheless in the future; she understandably had her doubts (if met with nothing but failure, failure is only to be expected; best to betray than to be betrayed). That is, until the Straw Hats arrived on the scene (even Luffy wanted her to live, despite her role in Arabasta, and kept badgering her to claim she wanted to live. She was a full-on death-seeker.), and not until they went to war against the World Government was she finally convinced that life is actually worth living, because a select few valued her for who she was at her core, as a person; just as her old team and that ex-marine told her eons ago. When she finally screamed that she wanted to live, even I, a total stoic (I don't show fear nor tears, even in pain), had to shed manly tears at that moment.
Hell, the recap episodes, and watching some of the movies reminded me, the Straw Hats individually went through Hell as well, and they're probably the most hardcore people to exist because despite their hardships, they're still alive, in a truly hostile world. And as long as they're a crew that works together, nothing can stop them, provided the proper motivation; especially if one of their own are in danger. They were in what would probably be considered the Kingdom of Heaven, and directly rebelled against God, just to get their demon out from the Gates of Hell. That's how valuable she is as a friend. They're willing to go against God to get her back; and to hell what others think.
Now that's a crew. Or so to quote Malcom Reynolds "She may be a witch; but she's OUR witch.".
After you've been in Hell, yourself (especially if you've done no wrong), can you see Heaven for what it truly is; not any better, not any worse, just a bit more ignorant and in just as much constant denial of their harassment, wearing light, but not being the role of Light. Like a legion of wolves wearing sheep's clothing. Funny enough, if you don't let it get to you too much, instead of being burned by the fires of Hell, you can get yourself forged and tempered by it instead, and be a proper paragon that Heaven deserves. Maybe this is why I am okay with nonexistence, death, and otherwise. I never lived, and I never existed; so why should I worry about death or ceasing to exist? When you're at the bottom, the only way is up; when you reach the peak of perfection, all that's left to do is fail.
Maybe we got it wrong. Maybe nonexistence is actually a good thing, when you think about it. When you don't exist, you can make yourself exist as you want to exist.
EDIT:
Really, if you don't exist, then what reference of you or anything like you is there to base off of to judge with? Thus, you can be anything you desire.
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Topic: Things that made you absolutely terrified today (Read 1968584 times)