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[Sean Mirrsen]

[G-Flex]

The art in the second panel there is still a little too confusing to evoke what's going on. Also, the things falling from the sky and those holes in the ground create way too much symmetry in the image, making them look like they aren't natural events. But that might just be me.

[Sean Mirrsen]

The second panel there is supposed to visualize the Fun they're about to have landing a flying brick onto a plateau of jagged rocks. If the symmetry creates a feeling of unnaturalness, then, while unintended, it's good enough to keep.

[G-Flex]

I honestly didn't get "jagged rocks" at all from that. It looked more like a desert, or just some sort of generic landscape (it's drawn a bit vague).

Looking at the shading more closely, I definitely see rock outcroppings, I guess, but it doesn't look very menacing or anything. It might not help that the edge of the ground along the horizon looks perfectly smooth. Basically, it could be more obvious/striking.

[Sean Mirrsen]

It's supposed to be a view from the ground level - as in, the viewer's head is on the ground. I was never good enough at conveying proper perspective.

And anyway, that's not what I asked for. I know the limits of my art skills. What I ask is whether my view on the structure of a comic is good or not. Whether or not I am making layout and coherence mistakes when presenting my version of Filkes's story.

[forsaken1111]

I'm curious, what are the things reaching up/down from the ground/sky?

Story seems fine though, and comic structure I think would be okay with some practice.

[Fikes]

I'm curious, what are the things reaching up/down from the ground/sky?

Story seems fine though, and comic structure I think would be okay with some practice.

Those things are supposed to be a little mysterious so far as they are a major plot device. We'll learn about them more in a bit. The idea is that a green storm cloud forms and starts raining down large, dangerous... things.

I am also working on a short story from the other side of the galaxy. More of the comic should be posted before too long.

[Sean Mirrsen]

Yeah, and I still haven't gotten much of your storyboarding. (that 1-6 strip was still a 404 last time I checked) I need to know the plot a little further ahead to draw stuff properly.

[Fikes]

How much does the reader need to know when the comic book starts? There is a lot of background to the story, but I didn't think it would hurt to leave it vague. Things like, what does it mean to have an "insured" planet.

I originally intended to leave a lot of details about the universe vague and then introduce them over time, but that may have a negative impact on the setting.

[Sean Mirrsen]

Mmkay, tried to do something interesting with this one.

[G-Flex]

Why are they saying "we're going to crash" when it's clear they already have? The guy's saying "brace for impact" when they've already buried themselves into the dirt. Also, the speech bubble at the end looks like it's just getting cut off by the side of the image (speaking of which, I have no idea what's going on in the last panel).

[Sean Mirrsen]

Heh, okay, I guess that was a little too experimental.

What's supposed to be happening is: the pilot yells "brace for impact" as the craft is about to hit the ground. I suppose that one's better off in the previous strip. Then, the craft plows into the ground, at a reasonably flat angle from a glide, but still harsh enough to leave a deep-ish trench behind it since it lost power on descent. It'll plow ahead like this because of its high momentum - it had to be going fast to keep aloft at all. At this point the pilot has obviously lost control, since avionics won't steer the craft any longer. It's not a "crash" yet, strictly speaking, just a very harsh landing. And then the pilot sees this huge rock in front of them, and states the obvious "we're going to cra-". And yes, the last speech bubble is supposed to be cut off like that. The last panel is my feeble attempt at drawing a weblike crack in laminated glass, with a splash of blood, indicating that the craft did indeed crash.

Suggestions for improvement?

[G-Flex]

The last panel thing would look more like a crack if it were clear what it's a crack in. There's really just no indication what we're looking at, so it's hard to make out what it's supposed to be or what the red spidery line-pattern is.

Basically, the timing of it is completely off. There's an implied passage of time between the speech bubble segments, yet the only "crash" or "impact" the viewer is made aware of is the one that's already happened. There's no indication whatsoever that that anybody sees a huge rock; I'm not sure how you expect the viewer to know that there's any danger aside from what's already occurred. It would be more clear, for instance, if there were a frame actually showing that danger, to make it clear that something bad is going to happen that hasn't already.