Also, since you mentiomed anxiety over it: I am myself a pretty feminine man, both in body and nature. And that's entirely okay. Sure, there's a bunch of people who'll probably never want to be my friends me, but I probably don't want to be friends with them either.
And you know. As I've grown up I've felt people caring about that less and less, and I've grown to care about it less myself. As a kid I grew up being treated with contempt by my peers for being less masculine, and I got a bunch of issues because of that (including most of my homophobia (as well as my theories of homophobia
)being rooted in it), but you know, kids are cruel. But as I got older people, well, matured. I often think of my gymnasium years as the best ones of my life simply because I felt I could be more like myself and be accepted among my school mates.
I know there's probably a lot of difference in macho culture between Sweden and Brazil. I also don't know how correct my impression of Brazil is, but as I've understood it there is a lot of hypersexualisation of bodies in your country, and the male body being pushed is the overmusculatured, gym-bro one. I can see how being feminine or non-masculine (I will hold to my death that there is a difference
) man in those circumstances might lead one to ponder or doubt one's gender. But what that culture hype isn't what's normal. Hell, even non-hyper-macho standard machismo culture is pushing something that's at the far end of the range of "normalcy", not what is centre of it. And there's nothing wrong with deviating from their dislocated standard.
So you do you. I'll call you by whatever you want (but not DeathSword though, never DeathSword
, whatever conclusion your introspection takes you to. I just don't want you to draw conclusions about yourself because your embarrassed by yourself, or because cultural pressure has shamed you into thinking you're not "enough of a man".
I'm thinking of all this now because just the other day I saw an interview with one Sweden's foremost trans-culture personalities. They came out earlier this year as somebody who felt they probably weren't transsexual at all, and probably wouldn't have transitioned today if they had the choice. They said that when they were younger they just couldn't come to terms with their attraction to men and their own homophobia. And it struck me (who still vividly remember the shame of my childhood over ) very close that still in this day and age, which as far as I feel our society has come, somebody can feel such shame and guilt over themselves that they would rather go through such large changes than accept themselves as they are. I don't wish that shame and guilt on anyone, that kind of shame is a wound in your soul, an infection in how you think of yourself. They ended the interview with her saying that they hoped they would have been accepted as a feminine, gay man just as they hope for acceptance as the woman they are today. And I hope the same. So basically what I am trying yo say win this mess of scrivened thoughts is that when you think and feel this through and find out where you feel best about yourself, consider also that it feels good because that is where you feel you are, and not just because it takes you away from being someplace else.