I'm idiotic on the topic, and I don't know where else to post this: I woke up today thinking that maybe my only path forward is to break my teetotalism. I've honestly never tried alcohol, and the common swill that comes in cans, just thinking about it makes me nauseous from the many many many bad memories that are tied to the smell, in relation to the uncountable cases of my Mom's drunken fighting, arguing, sometimes being hurled as weapons, and the mess and smell getting around, and then just having the cans littering the house.
I just want an avenue to be able to relax and stop caring constantly about my pretentious high-minded ideals and my constantly anxious worrying about every little thing. I was thinking wine might do the trick, as that was a form of alcohol that my Mom never purchased (her preferences being American beer, schnaps, and vodka), and it might not hold the strong disgust in my psyche that those do, as far as taste and smell are concerned. And it's basically just fermented juice right? I like juice.
The plan would be to purchase some (I don't know what the expected price would be, though I'm fairly certain it commands a luxurious markup. I'm honestly thinking I might come up to to liquor section and about-face after seeing the price) and then enjoy a small amount by myself in the comfort of my apartment with no intention of going anywhere else for the day. I think that would minimize the risk of the experiment to the smallest possible amount.
Or maybe this is just the path to my ultimate self-destruction. I'm not certain.