Just had a really weird panic about go.
My ranking on the game site went down, because I lost matches against weaker players, and I nearly got to 19 kyu (worse than 18th). I started panicking, but kept losing matches, partially because it was too late. I began to think that I was getting stupider.
Then I finally realised that I wasn't playing stronger players, in part because it takes longer to find matches against them (player numbers petering off at every level so far), but later because I was scared to lose again, and wanted to win against weaker players, to fufill my sense of self-worth and give me my confidence back. This meant it would be pretty much impossible to rank up, as a victory against a 23 kyu (weak) player gains me little to nothing, while I gain around 1/4 of a kyu by beating a 17 kyu (stonger), and the reverse is true when applied to rank loss on losing.
I also was losing more against lower level players because I was playing weak-agressive and too fast, and didn't want to let myself admit they were a threat. So it was really a viscious cycle. But happily, I know now that I just need to go up against stronger players.
This all happened in about 4 hours. I know I seem a bit rank-obssessed, like one of those kdr fetishists playing fps, but your rank should average to your ability on the go site, so it going steadily down is very scary; as if one is losing brain cells.
While this probably wasn't very interesting, writing it was helpful and cathartic. Maybe there should be a "things that made you anxious and upset but you then realised were inconsequential" thread.
All I really learned in the end was that being lazy and picking the low hanging fruit never pays. Losing is fun: a DF and souls fan should not have forgotten this.