I learned "be yourself" can't work for me; society isn't trans friendly enough yet, by far.
I have a medical condition:being transgendered. Many people would rather ruin my life than help me with it, or even leave me be. Even people I have majorly helped, have shunned me for it (got them out of serious felony jail time). "It's society's fault," sounded like a shameful cop out. Past tense. It isn't. "Being myself," around society will lead to society harming me. Thus, society doesn't deserve the real me. Only feasible solution: protective false persona.
Spent a long while trying to "be myself." Wasted too much time on shame. Wanted to be left alone, but that's a slow death today. Everyone posts everything on social media today: Facebook, Linked in, etc. It looks funny if you DON'T have those things. Publicly showing "who you know" is more important BS than ever, in truth, because HR people want paid for a job they don't know how to do and expect social media to do for them. Those people are in power though, so don't tell them that, or they'll retaliate.
The people "I know" are bastards to put it lightly. "Scum of the earth," is more correct. They don't make good references. Many are criminals, and/or are being indicted/tried (yes, many of the business contacts too). I kept clean, and provided everything to the prosecution, so I'm free. They aren't.
Tried to be isolated, and not bother people. That's not accepted today and people think "what's wrong with you?" "Are you damaged goods?" Must fake smile; must fake being male, convincingly. Have to set up convincing masks again. Have to shut down and fake it even though it hurts. Especially, though it hurts.
Faking it again.
Need job to survive. Have many many relevant qualifications and experiences (am freaking lawyer, business turn around expert, financial adviser, etc), but HR doesn't care. They won't hire trans for job and won't hire without "friends and references." Thus, must hide being trans and fake it to make phoney friends as cover. Must not appear as a loner. Must have phoney social media profiles and list phoney friends and phoney interests, in self defense.
I have very little interest in most non productive material things (can't produce food, useful text, or some output, or aren't required consumption). My real interests include digital landscape art (as used in game design) and hydroponics/aquaponics, small livestock raising for meat and hides, construction and building economically, interior and architectural design, fashion, etc. Many of these would be considered odd and not widely shared. I will have to fake being material in this society. Perhaps I can list things that can be easily resold to recoup monetary value to purchase necessities/productive material things... (no question mark).
I will have to show greater fake interest in women. I did this in the past, and had strictly platonic girlfriends who would say we were romantic with each other (informed beards). They knew I could never romantically be with a woman and only liked men, but I was fun to pal around with. Sometimes we'd go shopping and stuff, and maybe we can do that again. It might even be fun. [shrugs]. Their dads, husbands, boyfriends, and sometimes moms were always a problem / sometimes didn't believe I was "gay" or just didn't like GLBT people. Will have to compensate/overcome.
I refuse to build large amounts of muscle mass, as I've always been based in agility and technique physically. Will go back to what I know is a healthier diet and not seek comfort from food. Exercise will focus on isometrics again. It worked once, incredibly well. It is a fairly recent phenomenon that I have an ounce of fat on me (depression related). I was all muscle and speed before, though there was never need for much bulk before. I'll go back to that. No escaping through food or alcohol (Also, I've not drank anything at all for 4 months, and have cut back on soda).
I've been wondering how to deal with people for quite some time.
Answer, fuck 'em; fake it; they don't deserve me. Never compromise fundamental integrity, but deception is necessary for the unworthy / intolerant.
"Living a lie" isn't completely, but only for my benefit against them.
I'm gonna go throw out this chocolate and snack on some apples from now on.
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Topic: Things that made you go "WTF?" today o_O (Read 14913896 times)