So. I'm just WTFing at myself for no real reason right now.
I'm smart. And I know I'm smart. I'm not like, VERY smart, or even really smarter than most people. I'm just a wee bit above average. A little tiny bit. But all the time, I find myself thinking, "Why the fuck am I so fucking stupid?" God damn, all the time. I'm apparently smart enough to know I'm a total fucking idiot.
I'm so tightly in control of myself, all the time. It's hideously bad for me. I never do the things I want to because I'm so inhibited I... Can't. I just can't. I'm physically unable. But I still find myself doing shit that I don't want to do and that I choose not to do. So. I'm in control of myself, but not in control of myself at all. What the fuck? Why can't I just be one way or the other? Why can't I hit on a pretty woman, but I can fucking blow my money on stupid shit?
I don't really have self-esteem issues anymore. I know I'm worth something, that I'm a good person, that I'm smart and rather good looking, or at least not bad looking. But still I find myself in situations like this. I'm fucking stupid half the time. I apparently can't get a date. I do bad things, like drugs and shit. And right now, the only worthy thing about is me is that I'm NOT getting high because court order, and I have a job. So. I don't have self-esteem issues but I still am plagued by moments where I hate myself utterly.
I have no real aspirations. I want nothing. Just. Nothing. I'd like to have a date sometime, but I just. Don't really care about it anymore. I want to be a writer, but I just don't fucking care. Why should I bother? What's the point? I could join the military, but again, what's the point? Better myself, yada yada yada. Why? It's not going to make me happy. It's not going to make me enjoy my life. I'm burnt out. I can't muster enthusiasm for anything at all. Not a single thing. I get up in the mornings because I absolutely have to. Why? Because my body won't let me just quit.
I keep going through my life because as the Daleks say, "I cannot self terminate." I'm too strong to kill myself and too weak to live a life worth living.
That's all I got. I just wanted to get that off my chest.