I'm feeling... conflicted. And confused.
The reason being that a stray thought led me to think a lot about gender lately. Specifically: my own.
Because the more I think about it, the more I feel like gender, or at least the binary two that dominate our societies, does not apply to me. If that makes sense. In other words, whenever I think about what I am I don't think "I am a <gender>", I just think "I am me". Which I guess would make me some sort of... nonbinary?
And then I look back at how I viewed my self-image through the years, about how I always tended to go for somewhat androgynous looks in games (when I'm not trying to make a character some specific type of goofy nonsense) that allow for character customization, about how I planned (and still do, really) to buy clothes that were more gender-neutral (which depended on getting a job, which was derailed by the pandemic). And about how actually giddy I get when thinking of myself as a "they" rather than a "he" or being... I dunno how to call it... less manly and "straight" in my behaviour, not having to police myself all the damn time.
And yet, at the same time, I worry a lot that I may be getting anxious about simply not being "masculine enough" or if this anxiety is born from my depression, or... argh.
Damn this was rambling and meandering and hard to type, but had to say it somewhere and get some feedback, even if it's from random (if friendly) folk on the internet.
Gods, the angst is real and clicking "post" did nothing to aid my anxiety over this.
As for why the WTF thread of all places to post this: I might as well be the incarnation of confusion right now, and this thread is a nice (and weird) place that I feel comfortable in.