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[Jackrabbit]

That is rather hard to believe. Are you saying that in his entire lifetime, he's never seen his own blood before?

[Shade-o]

I don't think it says that he's never seen his blood before, but that his hand has turned transparent thanks to his immunity instead of red or green. Actually, this zombie apocalypse sounds like it would be very festive. Plus the survivors are invisible. Awesome.

[Jackrabbit]

That does sound cool! It's the holiday cheer!

What's the scientific reason for your blood losing all its color, incidentally? Wouldn't that mean, no red blood cells?

[Dasleah]

That does sound cool! It's the holiday cheer!

What's the scientific reason for your blood losing all its color, incidentally? Wouldn't that mean, no red blood cells?

I don't think there's ever been a need to scientifically explain why blood has no colour, as that'd be nigh impossible. Your skin is the shade of red it is due to the oxygen carried along in haemoglobin - if there were some reason why this would automagically disappear from your bloodstream, then it would simply revert to a darker shade of red. If you were really fucked up it might go slightly brownish, but yeah, fully transparent blood would mean Something Horribly Psuedoscientific has occured. I mean if you spin out the plasma, that's a kind of watery-yellow colour, sure, but that alone is not conductive to the whole 'being alive' thing.

Well, reading that Wikipedia article more, if he were some manner of mollusk with an insanely large amount of Hemocyanin in his blood, a fresh wound might be a blue-tinted shade of see-through. But that wouldn't even be remotely mammalian in any way so I don't think that would work here.

I'm bored so how about some more critiques.

So at first he was like

He heard crazed shouting in the distance, and, squinting, he saw a barricade made from scrap metal. *proceeds to read perfectly off this barricade*

but now he's like

Walking down a narrow alley, he spotted the large sign of the nearby Wal-Mart, or he damn well thought it was. He had bad eyesight, he couldn't read small text farther than a few yards and had trouble reading large text from afar.

lol ok

He heard crazed shouting in the distance, and, squinting, he saw a barricade made from scrap metal. One read 'Ellcott City City Limits, Population 20,395.' He sighed, "Cannibals. Crazy ones, at that. Cannibals are crazy by default, however. I'm fucking talking to myself again!"

Notching the safety off, he closed his right eye and held the scope up to his left. Not many, maybe five cannies. He placed his right hand down on the barrel and held his breath, thinking mentally "One..Two...Three" BAM! One down, four left. The cannies scattered and he picked one off just before it got into cover. Three more left, he thought. He ran behind a shed and leaned out, peaking into the scope. They're not there.

He heard the hum of an engine, and a huge, fortified van emerged from the driveway of a house. He had seen these before, but never had to confront one. He fired like crazy, emptying his clip at the driver's window. Bulletproof, he thought, and ran into the house and hid in the fridge, shooting down a Zed in the process.

BAM! He heard an explosion, and the fridge was knocked over, it's doors opening. Fire surrounded him, and he crawled out, looking at the van. All of them were dead. Or so he thought, walking up to the van, one fell out, and looked up at him.

"Pray for me" John said, and he silenced the man.

Walking from the ashes, he squatted down, examining a necklace. It was golden, with diamond studs. This would sell for a lot, but he knew it was valuable. He would pass it on to his children, and them onto theirs. This would be his heirloom, his legacy.

This entire entry smacks of "HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HOW COOL THIS GUY IS!" The jumping into a fridge to escape danger is obviously taken straight from the newest Indiana Jones movie. And despite showing no religious inclination, preference, or anything even remotely related to anything of the sort, suddenly he's all asking a dude he's about to kill to pray for him (which makes a whole tonne of sense - THOU ART WHO ABOUT TO DIE, PRAY FOR MINE IMMORTAL SOUL, AND VERILY - OH SHIT HOW CAN YOU PRAY FOR ME WHEN I AM ABOUT TO KILL YOU ??) reminds me of what, Book Of Eli? Which seeing as this whole thing is pretty much shitty Fallout 3 With Zombies fanfic, makes sense, as BoE is supposed to be a very Falloutesque movie.

For something subtitled "A Zombie Story" this story thus far contains very little actual zombie content. And everyone seems to be living pretty fucking ok for something that's supposed to be post-apoc. Armoured vans, plenty of ammo, plenty of fuel around to cause RANDOM EXPLOSIONS YEEEEAH. This is more The Virus: Zombies Are Here Somewhere I Guess.

The entire thing with the necklace is just pure nonsense. It makes no sense at all. It's another one of those "hey I bet this would make my protagonist look cool!" things that has absolutely no logical foundation or precedence. At first we're told this guy is just trying to survive and make his way to Israel, and now he's picking through cannibal corpses thinking to himself THIS HERE NECKLACE WILL BE MY LEGACY FOR MY FUTURE CHILDREN ;-;

Why are there cannibals anyway? Fresh human flesh would be at a premium. Uninfected humans are supposed to be rare as fuck with this supposed 99.94% infection rate. This is basically forcing yourself to eat only the rarest and most unobtainable food source on Earth. Zombies don't eat vegetables. The virus doesn't seem like it's infected any vegetation or animal life. Sure, fresh meat might be at a premium, but presuming you're in the right area, there should be plenty of farms, woods, whatever, with as much palpable and undisturbed vegetation as you can safely grow and eat as you want.

due to it's 99.94%(roughly) contagion

how is any figure to 2 decimal places considered 'rough'

Also, immune or not, he better get that huge gaping wound where the left side of his hand used to be looked at, or he'll bleed out pretty quick. Probably get infected and die, too.

[x2yzh9]

As far as the clear blood goes, on contact with the infection all the red blood cells that were bleeding out would turn clear, simply because all of the red blood cells hemoglobin was destroyed in the process. I'm no biologist here.

On the cannibals, they aren't strictly cannibal of course, it's just when they see another human, they kill it to eat it in addition to what veggies they eat.

Everything else you said is pretty valid, and I'll take it into account next time I write.

[Jackrabbit]

Okay, the first one still doesn't make sense, as Dasleah just explained that destroying all the red blood cells would just make the blood even darker.

The second one actually does make sense though, so I'll buy that. Make that clearer though, because you can say that these cannibals also raise livestock and eat veggies after someone asks but the fact that someone needed to ask is not good.

Really, sometimes the best way to improve is to get older. You have more experiences, read more books which influence your writing style and learn more so that you can recognize when your character is clichéd, when you're forgetting ground rules you laid down earlier (like, he has bad sight, except when he doesn't) and when your plot has more holes in it than a mesh fence. I sorta hesitate to say this, given I'm only slightly older than you, but I think it's true. Sometimes the best way to improve is to grow. And keep writing, obviously, but don't expect improvements to be major by the end of this story unless you take like a year to write it.

[x2yzh9]

Episode 1, Chapter 2 - 4
He was losing blood, and fast. He couldn't grip the rifle correctly, and he managed to fit it into the sling on his back. He took out the pistol and stumbled forward, out of the alley.

Zombies, hundreds of them. They were as far as the eye could see. He trembled, and held the pistol to his head. In seconds he would be engulfed by zombies, he had to pull the trigger. He closed his eyes, and heard a loud discharge.

But it was not his.

He opened his eyes, and surrounding him, zombies were dead or falling to the ground.. He looked up, and heard whistles. Loud whistles, and then BOOM! Artillery.

It was the military.

They were the remnants of the U.S. military and government, they had came to Ellcott city, he was going to be okay. Within minutes, almost all of the zombies were dead, and he was on the ground, unable to support himself. He heard vehicles passing by, and, fading in and out of consciousness, he screamed as loud as he could. Men came over and bandaged him, and he passed out.

He awoke at a gas station, and Yohann was there, looking over him.

"Don't speak. The Military dropped you off here, but they had to leave. Like nomads. We'll be leaving once you can support yourself. Your right ring finger and pinky are gone, and they gave you wooden ones. Surprising, no?"

He weakly nodded, and faded out of consciousness.

[Jackrabbit]

Okay, question. If the US military could deal with the zombies so handily, why is there a problem at all?

[x2yzh9]

Well, they were engulfed originally before they could mount and organized resistance, and by that time almost all of America would've been taken over, so, for story purposes, they just roll in one massive convoy.

[x2yzh9]

Episode 1, Chapter 2 - 5
He woke up. He was a fool - who would think that scavengers would leave good supplies in a store? That would be the first place people went! He didn't even get inside the store, he almost died. He sighed and looked down at his mutilated hand. Gone for life, over in Israel life was probably not as good as before the infection started spreading.

"When are we going to get to Wilmington, Yohann? I don't think I can bear this depressing-ass countryside."

"Not long now, maybe 30 minutes."

John nodded, and continued carving some wooden fingers. From college history and books, he had learned that before prosthetic limbs, they used wooden ones. It may now work well, but at least he wouldn't look freakish. It gave him something to do, too.

"Alright, John, load your rifle. We're at the rally point."

He looked up and saw the parked truck and Humvee. He put the fingers in his bag and hopped outside, rifle in hand.

"You're here, good. Both of you, Tommy and the other officers are waiting inside for you" commented a guard.

"Thank you, soldier. Return to your duties, John and I will do what we need to."

The soldier nodded, and they walked into the gas station. Tommy and some other officers were gathered around a table with a map. It was the entire world, and they had push pins where they would travel through.

Trying to throw some humor in, Tommy remarked "I'm not passing through Jersey, I'm not that desperate!"

The officers laughed, including Yohann and John.

"So, we're concluded here. Officers, get in the Humvee, soldiers, get in the trucks. Yohann, John, come speak with me after we disperse."

Clapping his hands, the officers dispersed at Tommy's will.

"Right. Yohann, John? I need both of you to steal the plans for the construction of a craft capable of making it to Israel. Dr. Braun and his lackeys refused us entry to have the plans, so I fear you two must do it by force."

"How exactly armed and trained are the survivors of Wilmington?" said John.

"That I do not know very well. All I know is that Dr. Braun has ex-military training in survival, so I'm thinking he taught them what he learned. Force is not an option. We do not have time to try gaining their trust. Stealth and thievery are the only possible way."

Yohann nodded solemnly, and John, already leaving for the door, spoke

"Yohann, come, we must do this quickly."

"Of course, John. Let me talk with Tommy for a bit, and I'll be outside with my gun."

After a while, Yohann came out and saw off Tommy. As the vehicles rolled out and they started walking towards the large chain-link fence that surrounded Wilmington, they talk.

"I hate to be nosey, but what did you and Tommy talk about?"

"What life was like before the infection came. And what we're gonna do when we get to Israel."

[Medicine Man]

All I see in this story is "Zomgz! Liek zombys and BIG ASPLOSHUNS1!11!!". Not a story that will keep somebody hooked and wanting to read more. It's just like a cliched Hollywood movie.

[x2yzh9]

Well how the hell do I go about keeping them hooked?

[Willfor]

You keep on writing while asking to be critiqued. It seems to be working as a valid hook for you so far.

[Dasleah]

You keep on writing while asking to be critiqued. It seems to be working as a valid hook for you so far.

He's the author. What 'hooks' him into continuing to write is irrelevant. It's his audience - us - that needs to be hooked, and he ain't doing it, beyond the normal morbid fascination that comes with watching a train wreck unfold before you.

[Medicine Man]

Why the fuck would the military have to STEAL plans for a boat? Who the fuck are they going to steal it from? Zombies and cannibals? And more importantly, why would they trust a STRANGER who possibly has no training in survival to find plans for a boat?