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[Xodion]

Me and a friend of mine were discussing DF Adventure mode recently, and we got around to telling stories of being ambushed by various wild beasts while fast traveling. I recalled the time my fresh faced adventurer found himself at the bottom of a dried out murky pool, having to throw sand at lions until their skulls caved in and I could continue on. My friend remarked that that sounded like something from the Old Testament, and if you think about it, it kinda does. I can imagine it now...

From the book of Atrocities 3:16 "And soe the Prophet of the Forces Unknown was cast into the Lione Pit. And then with only a handful of sand he throweth it at the lions, and they were straketh down deade. And lo the Prophet did continueth in his journey, onto the heathen elves, whom he massacred, leaving not one alive. And then the heathen humans, whom he did kille, and the heathen goblins, and the heathen dwarves, and all the heathen creatures of the forreste, and those that dwelt beneath the grounde. And ye, they spoke unto him these words: "Why hast thou brought this ruin upon us?" But no answer he gave. Amen."

So, post your adventures of biblical proportions.

[ghosteh]

AND LO; URIST, SON OF URIST, GRANDSON OF UDIB DID LOOK UPON THE +Upright Adamantine Longsword+ AND HE SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD

[Itnetlolor]

Book of Oddities (##:#-#)

...And he be told with pebble in hand, thou shalt be capable of slaying thy beast before him. And so he did, with his faith in full, choked the alligator of legend with a rock no larger than a heart of man. From there, he was then commanded to continue towards his quest to slay the goliath with gator in hand as his new weapon. From there, he slayed a colossal rat, and killed it's brother with it's brother.

Onwards he went through what depths lay ahead, and thus appeared before him, the goliath himself. He threw the sibling rats in his attempt for escape, glanced the gator off the head of the goliath, attempted the almighty stone choke, and thus was thrown into the kingdom of heaven from the depths of the earth with such force, he has ascended.

Translation:
Choked a named alligator with a rock, used it as a weapon to kill a giant rat, used the giant rat to kill another giant rat (not thrown all times), faced the titan and threw the rats and my shot at it with the gator glanced off, and attempting to choke it with a rock like I did with the gator, I got thrown into a nearby cave wall and exploded into gore.

and thus was thrown into the kingdom of heaven from the depths of the earth with such force, he has ascended.

Probably my favorite way to describe exploding into gore.

[truckman1]

SUFFER NOT THE ELF TO LIVE

[granzteel]

From the book of Stutteredcrossed 2: 3-5

³"Then let it be!" onul the rat demon master said. "Seize the lecherous thief! Whoever brings his head on me shall be given a rank!⁴The vampire people, blinded by the prize put on their fellow vampire's head, attacked.⁵"All of you have turned on me for a filthy position.. You all shall die today!" the mercenary vampire shouted as he swing his shortsword to them.

[Confused111]

And lo; the dwarven man came upon riches beyond that of most mortal kings. He gathered it, and slayed the guardians of the treasure, each of them announcing their presence with a booming roar. On he marched, until he fell unto waters cold, and was almost drowned, but his faith in The Lord of Blood hath saved him; he scrambled ashore, dripping with the unholy waters of the deep.

[Kamudo]

The book of Urist

And Armok said to Urist, kill me the first born of every elf, and there will be much joy. Urist obeyed his lord Armok and there was much rejoicing.

[Shade-o]

From the Book of Realmsfighter 7: 9-11

"And the Lord Vetek spoke unto Cerol "Go upon this land like a plague, for there are none who dwell in their houses of stone and mud in the Solid Lion that have rendered themselves meek before my glory and might, and the fishers of the Tranquil Waves. With a sword of iron and shield of bronze carry my vengeance to them, such that all memory will know of this day. Strike down all of the first-born sons and the second-born sons who have taken a position in the temples, and cast their bodies into the flame. Of the third-born sons pluck out one eye and remove both thumbs, so that they will never again dispute my word and never again take up arms against all true believers, and will forever spread the knowledge of the chattels of disloyalty. Of all children who have not yet teethed, take your sword of iron to their bellies and spread the entrails across the streets so that all who step through the doorways will know in their minds the terror of my will. All statues made of clay or stone should be smashed to the ground, and any made of bronze should be smelted down to forge grand works in my name.

"Any wife or daughter who has a fair appearance should be sent in shackles to my temple, where they will bow before the altar and serve the holy. Of every other wife or daughter, do not permit them to scold or cry out, but silence them by tearing out their tongues and making their hair shorn to the point of hideousness. When they are all humbled before my might, take from each household five goats, and three sheep, and an ox or horse, and a cow and all the harnesses and saddles and feedbags and maintainers needed to permit them to be sent with the daughters and wives. If a household is unable to provide of the sufficient number of beasts, then take a gold coin for each beast not provided. If they are still unable to provide of the sufficient number of beasts or coins, take them into shackles and chains and send them to work in the mines and fields.

"In the warehouses and cellars do not grant respite. Carry with you the finest wines and meads, and the choicest salted meat. Of the grains and fruits and crude wines, and the almonds, tear the cloths, crack the jars and spread the produce across the ground. When this is done invite forth the rats and vermin of the plains to feast. And when they have no hope, that their sons are carrion and their daughters and wives in servitude, and no stores remain after the harvest and rats scurry freely and locusts blot the sun, gather all that remain into the centre of the town and speak freely to them of my love eternal."

[truckman1]

From the Book of Realmsfighter 7: 9-11

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"And the Lord Vetek spoke unto Cerol "Go upon this land like a plague, for there are none who dwell in their houses of stone and mud in the Solid Lion that have rendered themselves meek before my glory and might, and the fishers of the Tranquil Waves. With a sword of iron and shield of bronze carry my vengeance to them, such that all memory will know of this day. Strike down all of the first-born sons and the second-born sons who have taken a position in the temples, and cast their bodies into the flame. Of the third-born sons pluck out one eye and remove both thumbs, so that they will never again dispute my word and never again take up arms against all true believers, and will forever spread the knowledge of the chattels of disloyalty. Of all children who have not yet teethed, take your sword of iron to their bellies and spread the entrails across the streets so that all who step through the doorways will know in their minds the terror of my will. All statues made of clay or stone should be smashed to the ground, and any made of bronze should be smelted down to forge grand works in my name.

"Any wife or daughter who has a fair appearance should be sent in shackles to my temple, where they will bow before the altar and serve the holy. Of every other wife or daughter, do not permit them to scold or cry out, but silence them by tearing out their tongues and making their hair shorn to the point of hideousness. When they are all humbled before my might, take from each household five goats, and three sheep, and an ox or horse, and a cow and all the harnesses and saddles and feedbags and maintainers needed to permit them to be sent with the daughters and wives. If a household is unable to provide of the sufficient number of beasts, then take a gold coin for each beast not provided. If they are still unable to provide of the sufficient number of beasts or coins, take them into shackles and chains and send them to work in the mines and fields.

"In the warehouses and cellars do not grant respite. Carry with you the finest wines and meads, and the choicest salted meat. Of the grains and fruits and crude wines, and the almonds, tear the cloths, crack the jars and spread the produce across the ground. When this is done invite forth the rats and vermin of the plains to feast. And when they have no hope, that their sons are carrion and their daughters and wives in servitude, and no stores remain after the harvest and rats scurry freely and locusts blot the sun, gather all that remain into the centre of the town and speak freely to them of my love eternal."[/font]

....Holy crap...

That almost sounds the real bible. Maybe slightly too over the top for the real thing, but still....Bonus points for the part at the end where they round up everyone not already dead or enslaved and tell them of the glory of Armok's love.

[Shade-o]

I got a bit carried away, but yeah. There's a few things to remember when writing Old Testament:

-Be visceral. Describe what happens to the victims.

-Be inexplicable. Switch between deep, relevant detail and non-sequiturs.

-Remember the cattle. Beasts are very valuable.

-Metal is valuable. Always describe it when something is iron or bronze.

-Show no mercy. God loves you.

[Victuz]

And the lord said!
Thou shalt not butcher Unicorns for their meat is made of candy and it hurts your teeth!
Thou shalt not jump into ponds for he will not be able to exit!
Thou shalt not transform into creature of the night!
For I say so and I am the lord!

So said god.

[VoidPointer]

Ooooh! Lemme give it a shot!

בַּיֹּום הָהוּא קָטְלוּ הַגִּבֹּרִים אֶת־הָאֹיֶבִים עַל־אָרמֹכּ וְכַּסְּהוּ הָעֶרֶץ בְַּדֹּם קֹל הַבַּקַר מַתוּ מִן־יִראַה וְאַרמֹכּ הַרַג הַעַם קַטֹנִים

... Ohhhh, you meant "biblical language" in the sense of literary style.

Aaand I'm NOT going through all the effort of translating that back into English directly so you're getting an approximate version.

Book of Extremely Bloody Stories 1,345:23

In that day, the mighty warriors slew all of the enemies of 'Armok (Translator's note: It is not possible to begin a syllable in Hebrew with a vowel. As such, the hebrew letter aleph has been supplied to serve as the first letter of Armok's name, which is rendered in English as an apostrophe due to its status as a glottal stop in the Hebrew) and their blood covered the entire Earth (Translator's note: 'eretz can also be translated as "land" or occasionally "country"; the sense is nearly always of a large area of land). The livestock then died of terror, and Armok slew the entire nation of dwarves (lit. "the short nation", as the scribe of the original passage was unaware of a convenient analogue to a dwarf in Biblical Hebrew).

It would've been longer, but I've been in Hebrew for all of six weeks so my vocabulary is limited, I only know one verb aspect (which is like a tense, but more ambiguous), my ability to form subordinate clauses is nearly nonexistent, and you try typing that out on an onscreen keyboard where none of the vowels (see those tiny dots on some of the letters? most of those, but not all, are vowels) are bigger than like three pixels wide. I might do an English one later.

Edit: Oh, and to add on to what has been said here, a LOT of OT stories only make sense if you know a good deal about Near Eastern culture at the time. A lot of what goes on references that sort of thing. In terms of DF, this would involve a lot of references to things like bugs which haven't existed since Boatmurdered era, common pseudo-exploits like the danger room, weird stories (or memes even) from the forums, etc.

[Argonnek]

From the book of Repentance, chapter 5:

And so, the LORD, Armok, gave unto the world His prophet, Onul, to cleanse this sinless world of good. Onul began his travels in a human kingship, The Blameless Confederacy, and began his glorious work. He went into the houses and ended their sinless lives. He killed the mothers with child with many slices to the belly, and smiled as their innards spilled forth. He looked upon the children with disdain, and mercifully ended their lives in the name of the LORD. He went to their heretical churches and priests, and spilled their entrails upon the ground. He came to their shops and markets and burned all inside, he traveled to their capital and hung their king by the neck from atop his own battlements.

He traveled from the lands of the Blameless Confederacy to the lands of the elven nations. He descended upon these, the worst of the sinless, and ripped from them their eyes and hands. He burnt their trees and slaughtered their young, collecting an ear or a nose from each as a penance for their happy lives. He showed no mercy, he tortured them all and burnt their remains.

As the elven nations burned, the LORD looked down upon the work of His prophet, and it was good.

Onul looked upon the world from atop the Glorious Mountains, and saw but one race of sinless remained. He came upon the lands of the Goblinkind with vengeance, for they had offended the LORD. They sacked the lands of the Unholy People, the Dwarves, and failed to beg the forgiveness of the most unholy LORD. Onul found their fortresses, crucified their false gods on crosses of steel, and slaughtered all of their people. His work complete, Onul cast himself into the blood of Armok, and became one with the LORD.

((In short, I started as a dwarf, killed all non-dwarves, and jumped into a volcano. Pretty standard stuff.))

[Aussiemon]

Ooooh! Lemme give it a shot!

בַּיֹּום הָהוּא קָטְלוּ הַגִּבֹּרִים אֶת־הָאֹיֶבִים עַל־אָרמֹכּ וְכַּסְּהוּ הָעֶרֶץ בְַּדֹּם קֹל הַבַּקַר מַתוּ מִן־יִראַה וְאַרמֹכּ הַרַג הַעַם קַטֹנִים

... Ohhhh, you meant "biblical language" in the sense of literary style.

Aaand I'm NOT going through all the effort of translating that back into English directly so you're getting an approximate version.

Haha! Good thing we have Goo-... Oh wait.
"Aktlv that day men - Ibim on - Aarmach Ochashu Ahaartz easy blood of cattle died - see Waarmach killing young people"

[GreatWyrmGold]

And lo, Kel Armbell the axedwarf did get sick of trying to find someone to give him a quest. As such he did wander around and did find, and climb, a volcano. Kel did discover what the inside of a volcano looks like, but lo! he was not glad.