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[Wolock]

BREAKING NEWS - Physicist Stephen Hawking declared that the flow of time in the vicinity of Earth may be slowed by the recent demographic explosion of cats. More information later.

[GaxkangtheUnbound]

BREAKING NEWS
_____________
After the researchers developed the first "Dragon", it managed to escape. Now, there are massive dragons roaming the countryside. If you happen to spot one, SHOOT IT! These beasts steal anything and everything!

[RedWarrior0]

Yesterday, a considerable drop in the water level of Lake Superior was noticed. We do not know why, but it has drained four inches average in the last 24 hours...

I live right next to lake Lake Superior and have gone into some tunnels filled with mushrooms and graffiti actually.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Oh god it's happening already.

Heh. I'm just a troll.

What's the worst the storm waves have done to your house?

[Samrobot]

Breaking News

"Tom, apparently the state of California has actually been disconnected from the USA.  As many speculate it to be cause by repeated earthquakes scientists actually say its the work of about 5 or so of these "Dwarf Fortresses".  From the border of Nevada i can see California slowly drifting out to see."

[Urist McMick]

"This just in, one of these "Dwarfs" has barged into the Dunlop Kitchens workshop, forcibly removing Julian and Paul Dunlop, he appears to be drawing.... Trees? More on this story as it develops. Over to you Diane" "Ok and in weather news i've been told it's raining cats and dogs, so you'd better bring an umbre- what? It seems there's been a misunderstanding, there is in fact a Dwarf throwing cats and  dogs off the roof of a local shop i'm-" "I'm afraid I have to interrupt you Diane, the Dwarf who barricaded himself into the DK workshop appears to have went insane, he's flinging items around and.. Oh.. oh God. what's he doing to.. Oh no! He's coming this wa--- *Camera falls, strangled screams can be heard before signal is suddenly cut off*"

[Gnauga]

This just in: the entire earth appears to have caved in upon itself. People everywhere are noticing an extraordinarily irritating slow-down of the speed of everything, as the universe tries to keep track of all the falling rock.

[Ricky]

BREAKING NEWS

one of the small, humanoid creatures we call dwarves, who was locked away in the women's state prison for 6 years for murdering three people after a bad day's work, just gave birth to a girl?? how did the happen we do not know.

-just in!-

the woman is using her baby as a shield as she attempts to break out!

[Kamudo]

This thread is made of pure win.

I'd make a WW2/Holocaust connection, but then I'd kinda feel bad. x-x;

[Eugenitor]

American forces entering Dwarven Germany recently discovered the altogether unsurprising brutal torture and systematic extermination of human beings in prison camps. Before the prisoners could be liberated, one surviving Dwarf pulled the lever to incinerate the entire camp in magma.

"Yeah, it's nothing we haven't seen before," one GI informed the Times. "They do this pretty much all the time. You should see how they treat their own nobility."

In other news, Dwarven tanks have been discovered to be constructed out of a surprisingly tough and lighteight blue metal of unidentified origin, and rumors of strange creatures appearing in Dwarf settlements have yet to be confirmed.

[Kamudo]

Well that works. O-o Thanks.

[Imakuni]

BREAKING NEWS

A massive forest fire has just been reported to be blazing in Florida today. Firefighters have been doing their best to keep the fires away from homes. More on this later.

...

A group of small, hairy humanoids have been found in an underground burrow around where the forest fire was started. Police believe that they had something to do with this crime. They also appeared to be... Hm, I can't read this part. Well, Lorie's there right now, so I guess we're going to find out!

'Thanks Dan. I'm right outside of this settlement right now, I haven't seen any of these 'people' yet, there appear to be giant cages and weapons being held up in the air by -Pig tail fiber thread- with wires below them. I don't believe this is very safe... Oh! There's one! Coming out of the settlement right now... Oh, sh-..! Sir! Hey, sir!' 'Yeh?' 'Sir, you, you should probably start rolling on the ground, here, I have some water, here!' 'Eh, what?' 'You, you're on fire, sir!' 'Fire? Wha' is fire?' 'You, you what? You're fat is melting off!' 'Oh, yeh, it does tha' soomtimes, I dinnae know why.' 'You... Hey! Whoa, step away! No!! AAAAHH!!!' *camera pulls away and starts moving quickly away from the fortress*

...We--, we'll be right back after the break.

[Argonnek]

BREAKING NEWS: It's been two weeks now, and the negotiators sent to the dwarven fortress known as "Trumpetstones" have not returned. We can only assume the worst as the fluctuations in the magnetic field continue to disrupt electricity, telecommunications, and many, many lives.

A representative of the dwarves has just agreed to be interviewed earlier today:

Tom: So, Deler, tell me, why are your people taking magma from the mantle?

Deler: Whassa Mantle? We're gettin precious magma fr'm the magma sea!

Tom: Yes, well, Why?

Deler: We're needin it fr th' forges! They can't work wi'out magma!

Tom: Why not use coal? Or natural gas?

Deler: Can't use coal, gotta have sediments t' have coal.

Tom: Sediments?

Deler: Yeah, sediment like- SNATCHER! PROTECT THE CHILDREN!!

We will have the rest of the interview at 11.

[Samrobot]

"People it seems that the Elven race has almost been exterminated and is down to a small forest retreat of about 100 elves somewhere in Europe.  Over the hill it seems these "Dwarves" are marching a army 150 strong all equipped with this magical blue metal towards the retreat.  As military forces bombard them with bullets and tank fire its not doing any damage, WAIT whats this!? It seems that the ground under the army has collapsed.  Oh god the "dwarves" have made it to the retreat, and oh god the horror there are babies and people having their limbs hacked off. Wait no please!!!" * the camera falls with blood coating the lens and a dwarf walking away *

[Thadius]

"Breaking news, a seismic disturbance recorded in London was revealed to be Newton turning over in his grave.  In other news, the dwarven populace has built a fort nearby and is threatening us with what they call 'The orbital magma cannon.'  While it looks highly unstable and incapable of supporting its weight at all, a demonstration earlier incinerated a local animal shelter, reducing it to ash in naught but seconds.  Hail Dwarfkind!"

[Kamudo]

"What we have here, is a real life bigfoot. Took me twenty years to hunt the sombitch n I'm durn proud." Redneck sees an approaching Dwarf. "You durn little midgets best be gittin away from my bigfoot."

-The Bigfoot has been struck down.-

-The Redneck cancels admire bigfoot: Interrupted by Dwarf-

-The Dwarf has created an artifact: Big of foot; a Bigfoot Leather sock-

"Durned midgits! I be getting my revenge on yur!"