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[Passive Fist]

"The San Luis Obispo federal penitentiary has been converted into a new "luxury prison." Stocky, bearded craftsmen worked for mere months to remodel the old buildings. While the cells are small they contain, among other things, a bed, a table and chair, and an endless supply of food and alcohol. Every available surface has been encrusted with precious metals and gems, and the walls and floors are graven with masterpiece relief murals. Prisoners have been described as "ecstatic" while serving time. Friends, family, and even pets are free to come and go as they please. Prison administration and state spokepeople say that all prisoners that leave the facility are 100% rehabilitated, free to resume their lives as if their stay within these stone walls was merely a fancy vacation."

[ghosteh]

Hello I'm Trevor McDonald and this is BBC news at Eleven. A Strange Cavern was discovered today underneath Thames Hospital, the cavern is immense and it is thought to extend almost completely underneath the entire city of London, further exploration revealed a stange vertical pillar in the very centre of the cavern that appears to be supporting the entire city. Further investigations are being conducted, the enquiry however has been withheld by the police at this current time, it is thought that a strange series of gears has been discovered leading from the 'support pillar' to an unknown location. Over to Kathy now with the details.

I'm sorry viewers it appears kathy is unavailable due to technical difficulties. Now over to Ted with the Weather-

[Gutanoth]

watching, might add one when i can

[Urist McMick]

watching, might add one when i can

Y'all Know you can watch a topic by hitting the Notify button at the top. Right?

[Gutanoth]

Ah. Didn't know that. the things you learn.

[Serio]

"Here Lies John Doe
His fall was broken by spikes."

[deoxys413]

Generic McReporter: [Live from the local bomb shelter!] Last week a large group of short, bearded, and obviously drunk individuals ran screaming out of a cave. Upon interview of some of the sane individuals, the best response we could get is "We am dig too deep!" shortly before an attempt at base jumping. Further inquiry managed to stitch together a tale that they had been driven from their cave by a monstrous ass with deadly spittle.

Naturally we didn't believe them even when it emerged not a few days later. It's still wondering around in the mountains destroying the doors of every building it comes across, and sometimes just standing there. Scientists are still baffled as to how to contain or destroy this creature.

[Thadius]

"Here in Chicago, we've recently had a convoy of wagons arrive, and in the middle of the street, start unloading their goods.  Now to Tim on-scene, with more information."

"Thanks Lucy.  These wagons were being driven by, of all things, dwarves.  They arrived in the wee hours of the morning and began unloading their goods, which ranged from anything like worthless knick-knacks and pieces of cloth to more useful things, like food and clothing.  Also included were highly gaudy pieces of jewelry, stone blocks, and steel armor.  Local scientists are very interested in some of the weapons the dwarves unloaded, but couldn't even get close without the dwarves glaring at them and tightening their grip on their own weapons.  The local churches condemned the dwarves for worshiping false idols, to which the response was a crossbow bolt over their heads, with the promise that 'the next one wouldn't miss.'  When inquires were made about the curious blue metal from which some of their arms and armaments were made from and where it had come from, the dwarves shed a tear.  'Another fort dug too deep, Armok preserve them.'  As to what this statement means, we've no information.  Back to you Lucy."

"This just in, California gets hit with a massive wave of heat, housing prices plummet, and strange demonic entities are seen roaming the countryside."

[Ieb]

"Tragedy struck [Your Neighbourhood] today, when the local community of hippies were reportedly insulted by a group of dozen immigrants who have taken residence in the local sewer system. This group has caused problems before already with their "mining operations" which has caused over a dozen buildups and backflows within the system as their piled refuse has blocked sewerways.

Eyewitnesses tell that while the two groups have had a peaceful relationship in the past, trading goods between each other, a small wooden trinket was recently offered to the hippy group, who took it as "an offense of the highest degree against Mother Nature, man".

Tensions rose between the groups until the hippies finally decided to take action and tried to sneak into the sewer systems, possibly to sabotage or even attack the people living there. Instead, the sewers became their watery grave.

It is yet unclear if they caused the accident themselves, or if something more sinister occurred, but regardless, the section of the sewers they were using to enter was flooded fully with sewage, catching all of them by surprise. Only one of the group managed to get back to the surface and report the incident to the authorities.

The effort to claim the bodies of the dead hippies is still going on, as is trying to contact the immigrant group in order to understand how this tragedy unfolded."

[Argonnek]

       Breaking news: Scientists have explained the recent swath of blackouts all over the country as violent fluctuations in the earth's magnetic field. They have attributed this to a draining of material from the mantle by the colonies of short, belligerent people who claim to need the magma to power their smithing operations. It is unknown exactly how these "dwarves" as they call themselves are taking the magma, but they claim that they are using enormous pump "stacks" to take it from the "magma sea."

Negotiators have been sent to try and prevent further pumping. We will report results as they arrive.

[Svarte Troner]

...In other news, Have your socks gone missing? A recent investigation into the disappearance of everyone's favorite cloth stockings has led to a band of small bearded people who call themselves "the trumpet-roughness of Onslaught". They have claimed total responsibility for the disappearance of the socks, and when our reporters approach them they brandish swords and axes. A standoff between local authorities, various rednecks, and the dwarves has been ongoing. Here we have Billy-Bob McRedneck, "Those damn midgits dun' took meh granma's sock, n' now she got a bad case a foot fungus, dem der midgits is takin' mah socks!". We have Phil on the scene, who's going to go into these "dwarves" burrow to find out more, Phil?

Yes, Sharron, I'm here in the middle of the Rocky Mountains trying to get to the bottom of this sock scandal.

Here we have a man who calls himself "Urist Mcdwarf", who is going to lead us into the burrows... Urist? *Urist jumps onto Phil and strangles him with a pigtail sock, the camera man turns around and runs. The camera falls to the ground, screams can be heard and in the background there is a mound of socks and dead kittens.*

[Kamudo]

And now we're back to our ongoing live, helicopter coverage of a vicious street battle between two rival gangs in down town LA. What seemed like harmless childsplay between little deformed children, and ugly green people, has now developed into a full scale war, with police trying to intervene. Withing the last month, we've been following two small gangs who both call themselves the 'Bolds' and the 'Gobs', respectively. Everything began going sour, when they started to fight over territory, which was strange enough that the 'Bolds' had set up shop in a subway station, while the 'Gobs' set up their base in an office building across the street. While both of these actions are already bad enough, they fight each other constantly, and attack any passing people. They fight with crude bows and arrows, and other primitive weapons. So the police can dispel them with gun fire easily. Authorities have been debating on how to handle these people, if they attempt to disrupt their actions, it may cause deformed midgets and ugly green people all over LA to revolt. The situation must be handled carefully. More after these messages.
*Cut to Commercial*

DO YOU LIKE CHEESE? HOW ABOUT SOCKS? THEN COME ON DOWN TO URIST MCGENERALSTORE'S AWESOME SHOP!
We have cheese! Freshly squeezed from a purring maggot! *Shocked face* Ewwww!
But it's DAMN GOOD.
Do you like socks? We have a fine assortment of pigtail socks, plenty on sale.
Ever wanted to impress your wife by slaying a mighty dragon? Well now's your chance! Come on down and get suited up for battle.

*Disclaimer: Urist McGeneralstore is not responsible for any maiming, dismemberment or death, only fight large beasts if you have life insurance.

*End commercial*

[Quantum Toast]

"...authorities are baffled by the appearance of a giant cannon-like structure in Yellowstone National Park..."

[Wizardmon]

Yesterday, a considerable drop in the water level of Lake Superior was noticed. We do not know why, but it has drained four inches average in the last 24 hours...

I live right next to lake Lake Superior and have gone into some tunnels filled with mushrooms and graffiti actually.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Oh god it's happening already.

[Gutanoth]

Quick! grab a chisel and a hammer and carve well designed renditions of a cheese into the walls