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[Gnauga]

Inspired by this post.

Imagine Dwarf Fortress, except genned on Earth.
"A gas line has been ruptured recently, cutting off heat to the East Village. The cause seems to be a copper pick which was found left behind in a very long tunnel, seemingly dug by said pick. The digger has yet to be identified."

Extrapolate.

[OcelotTango]

There is a hole in the middle of your kitchen, leading into the bowels of the earth, and all your booze is gone.

[Canalan]

Random pyramids spring up everywhere.

[RedWarrior0]

Yesterday, a considerable drop in the water level of Lake Superior was noticed. We do not know why, but it has drained four inches average in the last 24 hours...

In the past month, we still have yet to discover the reason for Lake Superior's draining. Shipping has been cut off as the Soo Locks do not allow Superior to be lowerthan the other lakes...

Over the past years, Lake Superior has drained over a hundred yards, but researcher are still working to get t the bottom of this...

A short humanoid genetically similar to humans was found dead and covered in vomit at the entrance to a tunnel near Lake Superior. Drones have been sent in to investigate...

The hole near Lake Superior appears to reach the bottom of the lake and is connected to some kind of living complex. We bring you Jeff live at the scene.
Jeff (crouching): A community has been discovered of short drunk humanoids who live off cultivated mushrooms. We have dubbed them dwarves for now. I am currently being brought on a tour to the deepest part of the fortress, apparently somewhere in the mantle of the earth... Does that pump go down there? Oh my god, look at some of these engravings. Is that... A squirrel? With tentacles? Oh my god what is it doing to that human? Is that an elephant? Oh my god, it's horrifying. What is this one. It's... Covered in blood. The gore... Is it... Cheese? What the hell? and *chunk* ohmygodwhatwasthatwhatdidthatminerjustdotothatdwarfsheadhesmotherfuckinginsaneholyshit *chunk*...
Reporter: Jeff? Jeff?!?

[Kamudo]

*The US Population was recently swayed by our newest preisential candidate. He seems to be some sort of Blue vomit blob, yet has such rhetoric of a future, that we have no choice but to except him as our leader. And now for the weather. Tom?*

*Thank you, Barbara. Seems there's going to be a storm of kittens, near downtown Seattle, where a rather large group of small hairy men have taken up residence in an old animal shelter, converting it into a one hundred foot tower. Architects are baffled at how this is possible with mere chunks of stone. But if you're in the area, bring an umbrella, kittens stain easily. Back to you, Barbara.*

*We've now got a live report coming in of a band of enraged greenish people. Let's take it over to (Generic news room name).*

*Thank you Barbara. I'm standing here with the leader of these people. They apparently want to capture children, and raise them as slaves. The Authorities are on their way now. Now then, tell me about yourself, why are you green? Did you come down with an illness? "Filthy human. I am a proud Goblin Master Lasher." Ah, so you look like a mighty warrior indeed. "I am a Goblin Master Lasher." Tell me about your thoughts on the town. "Ask me when I've returned to my home!" Well, there you have it. An insane hobo who believes himself a goblin. Hey, don't touch that!*

*A goblin snatches a baby, and then is arrested by the police.*

*Well, that all for now. Elves, are they fact or fiction? And what's up with the small humaniod mushrooms now appearing in our favorite vegetable aisles? All this and more at 11.*

[Gnauga]

BREAKING NEWS
The Dwarves have turned Newton's laws of physics on their head, constructing the world's first perpetual motion machine. Physicists are stumped after watching the machine be built from two stone boulders and one tree and power a grinding mill indefinitely. Engineers are scrambling to put the machine into generating electricity, and get in touch with dwarven leadership.

[Eugenitor]

(Read this in the voice of your favorite telegenic-but-clueless TV newscaster)

President Barack Obama announced the recent success of Project Magma Flood, a secretly-developed operation designed to remove one of Al Qaeda's bases and the suspected hideout of Osama bin Laden.  Operating literally underground, this mile-long pump funneled hot lava from the Earth's mantle into a series of caves in the Pakistani side of the Tora Bora mountain range.

"Of course, it will be difficult to know if we got most of the leadership,", the President added. "There won't even be bones left."

[Samrobot]

11:00 News

BREAKING NEWS
"Sorry people but a couple minutes ago as the scientists tried to make contact with these dwarves something horrible happened, Barbara?

"Tom as we were following the scientists into this underground civilization the scientists were killed.  As they headed in first a pair of what to be steel floodgates covered in jewels and images of death closed.  After a few minutes the floodgates opened again and what the sight is disgusting the scientists have been ripped to shreds from some kind of monster. Back to you Tom"

"Jesus Christ!  tha... thats unimaginable, wait this just in the local police force has been called in to deal with the problem, more to come later this evening"

[Kamudo]

You're watching Reality TV, now back to your show.

*The camera is focused on a short bearded man, covered in scars.*

"My name is Urist McReal and I am a Vietnam war veteran."

*Queue epic music*

Vietnam: The untold stories.

Urist: "I saw a lot of things out there, did a lot of things I wasn't proud of. Though, there were a lot of things I was proud of."

Interviewer: "So you turned to a life of booze because of the war?"

Urist: *Laughs* "No, I drank during the war, and before. Can't have a good time without booze."

Interviewer: "What happened to the rest of your squad? The 21ist Deepground Unit?"

Urist: *Tears in eyes* "Aye, they be all gone now."

Interviewer: "Can you tell me what happened?"

Urist: "Nay.. They was all around us, then some bombs fell, and cannot remember where they went. I passed out, whenna I woke up, I was in da hospitial of a broken pinky finger."

Interviewer: *Slight Pause* "We'll be back after the break."

[TherosPherae]

Dear lord, what have I started...?

edit: Might as well post something relevant.

12 o' Clock News

Mr. Generic Newscaster: We report to you live at the White House, where they are apparently being picketed by little wrinkly green men. We take you live to the scene, with Joseph. Joseph?

Joseph: Thank you, Mr. Generic Newscaster. I'm here live at the scene where the White House is being picketed by wrinkly green men. Oddly enough, they're not yelling, protesting, or even carrying signs. They seem to just be standing around, waiting for something. Oh, I think the President is going to try to address them now. Look, he's walking toward them.... are those whi- OHMYGOD TURN THE CAMERA AWAY TURN THE CAMER-*CHUNK*

Mr. Generic Newscaster: Uhhh.. Later at 10, we show you the horrific footage of the assassination of the President and Ambassador Urist McPolitician, as well as footage of the dwarves' war declaration.

[Samrobot]

WE!!! MUST DO A STORY!!!

[LemonFrosted]

Negotiations in the UN reached a fever pitch today as once again the Elven nations brought the subject of forestry to the table, while the Dwarven nations aggressively defended their right to industry and called into question the Elves' right to demand stiff sanctions over environmental issues while they have outstanding human rights violations in countless acts of eating other sapient beings.

[Thadius]

"Something of interest today, a group of seven dwarves were found outside of Mount Saint Helens, digging out a small fortress.  We go to Jim on site with the rest of the story."

"Thanks Lisa.  These seven dwarves appeared apparently at the start of the new year, driving a wagon up the side of the mountain.  When asked what they were doing, they merely replied 'Trying to survive.'  We've observed them for nearly a year now, and we think we've worked out who is responsible for what.  Three dwarves work almost exclusively within the hole they've made for themselves, though when the occasion calls for it, they do a bit of work building walls to 'protect the fortress.'  We've had to use a helicopter these past few months just to get any pictures.  Two dwarves seem to be responsible for all the food production, another crafts items from wood, and a final dwarf hauls metallic ore from the depths, bringing it to some separate facility, grumbling mildly at being outside.  Not too long ago, a small convoy of more dwarves showed up to trade with these dwarves.  Though nothing changed hands, the convoy implies that there lie entire civilizations of dwarves outside of the one we've found.  When we asked the dwarves what plans they had in the long run, we only got two other coherent replies.  The first was 'Operation MountainHollow,' the second, 'Operation FuckTheWorld.'  Neither one sound pleasant."

[Zidane]

I like it Thadius.

[GaxkangtheUnbound]

"In later news, a thermonuclear explosion was caused by. . . snakes?! Amy has more on the story."
Amy:"Interestingly enough, when these stout creatures embarked, the idiots brought along "fire snake" foods when they embarked. The booze must have come in contact with said food and exploded."