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[inaluct]

Lying to people about yourself usually doesn't do much to help you ingratiate yourself with them. Coupled with your obvious, massive overestimation of your own abilities and your glaring lack of any tact, or even any empathy, I don't think you're going to be able to pull off lying to her.

You should definitely post the stories and poetry, though. Maybe it's all legitimately good.

[Retro]

you do not 'win' friends.

Spoiler: dale carnegie disagrees (click to show/hide)

[Little]

As a female, I have to say: DON'T GIVE HER THE POEMS OR STORIES UNTIL YOU'VE BECOME BETTER FRIENDS.

If some weird, arrogant, loner, kid who I've seen in my classes a few times and never talked to handed me a bunch of poems and stories with me as the starring character, I'd be inclined to start carrying Mace. Also, lose the arrogance and self-centered viewpoints, it's a serious turnoff.

edit: whoa. Ø makes a really good point, actually. if i start to sit next to her, she'll become more comfortable with me slowly. i don't have to force anything. furthermore, it'd give me more time to actually look into what she likes and see if it interests me, that way i won't be pretending at all. this is pretty much the perfect plan.

...I really hope you're trolling? 

[Renault]

As a female, I have to say: DON'T GIVE HER THE POEMS OR STORIES UNTIL YOU'VE BECOME BETTER FRIENDS.

If some weird, arrogant, loner, kid who I've seen in my classes a few times and never talked to handed me a bunch of poems and stories with me as the starring character, I'd be inclined to start carrying Mace. Also, lose the arrogance and self-centered viewpoints, it's a serious turnoff.

edit: whoa. Ø makes a really good point, actually. if i start to sit next to her, she'll become more comfortable with me slowly. i don't have to force anything. furthermore, it'd give me more time to actually look into what she likes and see if it interests me, that way i won't be pretending at all. this is pretty much the perfect plan.

...I really hope you're trolling? 

Unless I misunderstood, the thing about his poetry being good was a joke. He's not seriously that arrogant, at least. His ironic tone just didn't carry well into the text, which is something that someone who needs advice to get a friend would believably not realize.

Also, I don't see how being a female has anything to do with this, this time. It'd be as weird if it was a guy he was writing these stories about.

[Heron TSG]

Whatever you do, don't do something just so that you can know what it is that she likes. Be yourself. It won't help you at all if she's friends with the imaginary person you're trying to create.

[Little]

Also, I don't see how being a female has anything to do with this, this time. It'd be as weird if it was a guy he was writing these stories about.

Because, as a female, I'd know when that would seriously creep the average member of my gender out? Then again, I guess it is common sense, so my gender is irreverent. It's a seriously bad idea, anyways, and I highly recommend against it.

@WhiskeyMeister: Sorry for not picking up on the sarcasm.

[Renault]

Also, I don't see how being a female has anything to do with this, this time. It'd be as weird if it was a guy he was writing these stories about.

Because, as a female, I'd know when that would seriously creep the average member of my gender out? Then again, I guess it is common sense, so my gender is irreverent. It's a seriously bad idea, anyways, and I highly recommend against it.

Ah, I see. I guess I just get sort of annoyed when I see the "as a female" line. It's used by more than a few annoying girls as a sort of "look at me! I'm a GIRL! ONLINE! GIMME ATTENTION BOYS!!!" and I hate that.
Hate. Hate hate hate. It's demeaning and damaging and undignified.
But in this case I see what you're saying.

[Grakelin]

i'm going to build your expectations up so high, you'll expect something absolutely incredible. something so amazing you'll be awed by my brilliance. and then, when you see what it truly is, you'll be utterly stupefied by how it exceeds every preconceived notion you've developed.

Also, more relationship advice: sarcasm is not a humor substitute. It really depends on the person though. Generic joke telling is best saved for your guy friends. I found light hearted inside jokes/games to be the best. Remember that women have a completely different sense of humor than you're probably used to, so tread lightly.

You must be doing it wrong, but women appreciate my sarcasm and dubious wit far more than men do.

[Renault]

i'm going to build your expectations up so high, you'll expect something absolutely incredible. something so amazing you'll be awed by my brilliance. and then, when you see what it truly is, you'll be utterly stupefied by how it exceeds every preconceived notion you've developed.

Also, more relationship advice: sarcasm is not a humor substitute. It really depends on the person though. Generic joke telling is best saved for your guy friends. I found light hearted inside jokes/games to be the best. Remember that women have a completely different sense of humor than you're probably used to, so tread lightly.

You must be doing it wrong, but women appreciate my sarcasm and dubious wit far more than men do.

I'd agree--though I cant say for Grakelins, heh--I've always thought girl humor is far more based on irony and wordplay then mens, which seems to revolve around crude jokes and insults.

[Grakelin]

I'm way more witty and clever in real life than on the internet, I promise.

[Eagleon]

You sound mysterious and lonely, the way you write poetry about girls that sound mysterious and lonely. The way you write everything down is also fascinating to me, perhaps the start of a psychosis, or a sign of genius.

I guess what I'm saying is, do you want to be platonic friends?

[nenjin]

It's either the start of a beautiful friendship, or a story about what the internet is bad.

[Ø]

I think Eagleon just won.

i'm going to build your expectations up so high, you'll expect something absolutely incredible. something so amazing you'll be awed by my brilliance. and then, when you see what it truly is, you'll be utterly stupefied by how it exceeds every preconceived notion you've developed.

Also, more relationship advice: sarcasm is not a humor substitute. It really depends on the person though. Generic joke telling is best saved for your guy friends. I found light hearted inside jokes/games to be the best. Remember that women have a completely different sense of humor than you're probably used to, so tread lightly.

You must be doing it wrong, but women appreciate my sarcasm and dubious wit far more than men do.

I'd agree--though I cant say for Grakelins, heh--I've always thought girl humor is far more based on irony and wordplay then mens, which seems to revolve around crude jokes and insults.

Everyone's going to have their own experiences on what kind of humor to use around women, though I will say that sarcasm is definitely a substitute for "men's humor". In fact, almost anything would be an acceptable substitute. Avoid at all costs.

you are fantasizing some grand romantic plot to manipulate this person into liking you

I'd say he's subject to a subconscious desire to present himself, the compulsion to throw himself headfirst into the selection process. Females are very selective and must choose only the best mates while males have pissing contests, show off, and can go through as many possible mates as fast as possible. Hence, guys have macho theatrical moves designed with the intent of getting a mate that incidentally will have him going from potential to next potential pretty fast. Or at least that's the explanation I'm told, but this still makes no sense in modern times, which I guess is just because it's that recent these things have really really changed from the standpoint I'm thinking of.

Oh, also, I'm just assuming your age and schooling here, but if you are where I think you are, it is imperative that you learn to think about and analyze all of your actions and interactions from someone else's perspective. Incidentally, the ability to understand and analyze your own compulsions to any degree is good as well. A girlfriend (or at the least friend that is a girl) around your age is good practice. You have to learn to be very self aware socially and build many connections, both of which will come in handy later. In fact, the practice is probably more important than this girl. The fact you had to ask the internet tells me you need the practice.

[Creamcorn]

Twenty bucks OP fucks this up!

[ChairmanPoo]

It's time to post WORLD'S BEST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE!!!

Sample

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

when trying to impress a woman, it is often helpful to call upon her ancient instincts.  To show that you are a strong provider, sometimes it is necessary to kill things.  Contrary to popular belief, this is real reason why women like flowers.