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Author Topic: Short Stories :)  (Read 4003 times)

Herbiie

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Short Stories :)
« on: September 14, 2010, 04:54:39 am »

Hey Y'All,

I've been writing quite a few short stories over the last few months, though the earlier ones aren't very good!
I've written 3 so far:
Web-Foots and Muskets:
This one was my first one, and is full of mistakes that I can't change because I don't have the word file any more! It's about some Royal Marines during the Napoleonic wars.


The Bays:
Ryan Burns joined the cavalry to escape death at the gallows. He is sent to Spain, where he must not only fight for his life in the battle of Salamanca, but also to protect his sisters from a murdering rapist...


Fist Of Iron:
World War 3. Britain has invaded China. In the Qinling mountains, the crew of a Challenger 2 main battle tank wait for the inevitable battle, that will decide the fate of the world...


Constructive criticism would be wonderful :) You can probably tell that I'm slowly improving! And yes, if my fortress in DF get's over-run I shall be writing a story based on Closteredwood!

I'm also writing another one, which I shall share with you here, bit by bit:

The Red Coat.

Part 1:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Part 2:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: September 16, 2010, 02:16:44 am by Herbiie »
Logged
The once dark-grey walls are now the dark brown of stained blood. At either side of the path leading to the great granite gates is covered with the corpses and skeletons of Goblin invaders.
Some are still fresh. One is still moving.
As you approach the gate a nervous guard looses a bolt in your direction. Silence... Slowly, gradually, the huge doors screech open. Inside there is a courtyard, the floor wet with blood. Welcome to the front-line. Welcome; to Cloisteredwood.

Supermikhail

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2010, 05:04:19 am »

First of all, bad links. Get rid of the quotation marks.

Second, while your story is an interesting journey into history, I fail to see any other purpose. Part one gives a lot of flavour, and I stopped reading at about the middle when I realized that I'm not going to get anything that I can't find in a history book. If there is some other purpose then you might want to get rid of the Pierre's section, because it looks to me... condescending. Yeah. As if other people don't really study history.
Also, the language seems a bit anachronistic. I'm not sure if people then even knew about the existence of cells, not to mention the harm alcohol does to braincells.

So, my constructive advice will be - respect your readers. And less is more.
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Herbiie

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2010, 05:45:37 pm »

First of all, bad links. Get rid of the quotation marks.

Second, while your story is an interesting journey into history, I fail to see any other purpose. Part one gives a lot of flavour, and I stopped reading at about the middle when I realized that I'm not going to get anything that I can't find in a history book. If there is some other purpose then you might want to get rid of the Pierre's section, because it looks to me... condescending. Yeah. As if other people don't really study history.
Also, the language seems a bit anachronistic. I'm not sure if people then even knew about the existence of cells, not to mention the harm alcohol does to braincells.

So, my constructive advice will be - respect your readers. And less is more.

The Pierre bit is to add a link between Steven & Pierre - the only difference being they fight for different countries. Also I so far haven't read any stories in the same era about a standard French Soldier who is in one of the Columns, which get slaughtered by British Platoon Fire.

I enjoy writing Short Stories, some people enjoy reading stories. I am not out to make a big meaningful statement about war or anything like that (I am infact a Soldier & know that war is above all things, boring, perhaps I should write a story about endless stag duty watching a field, sound good?). The first story is simply a story of some Marines, the second of a cavalry trooper and the Red Coat about the 52nd Regiment of Foot & a new recruit called Steven, who goes to fight a battle. The only story with a bit of something behind it would be Fist of Iron, but that was only because I wanted to do something other than an action story.

Thanks for the advice - as for the giving readers respect, to be honest I'm not really sure how I disrespect them, I'm not a professional writer, I'm pretty young (17) & was good at English in school & enjoy writing stories, so thought I might share them with people. I'm not out to teach anyone about history - if that were the case I would of done more research than read the historical note at the end of Sharpe books (I actually know that quite a bit of it is wrong! Fir e.g. the 52nd didn't do any platoon fire, they simply fired a close ranged volley & charged in with bayonets. But it's fiction, just loosely based on real life events). They're just simple action stories :) Admittedly fairly terrible action stories but ah well  :P

P.S I had to look up anachronistic on google, cheers for making me feel stupid :( Still not sure what you mean by it though, if you mean the way the men talked then I would imagine Sergeants & Corporals would be more well spoken when an Officer's around, Officers decide on their promotion prospects! The men really don't care about Mr. Rupert (Some things never change) so would just talk normally, and, of-course, they all have different dialects. About the cells so what? We know now, and that was what he was doing, to be honest if my Son had just been hung for poaching I wouldn't really be thinking about my brain cells & liver.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2010, 05:47:51 pm by Herbiie »
Logged
The once dark-grey walls are now the dark brown of stained blood. At either side of the path leading to the great granite gates is covered with the corpses and skeletons of Goblin invaders.
Some are still fresh. One is still moving.
As you approach the gate a nervous guard looses a bolt in your direction. Silence... Slowly, gradually, the huge doors screech open. Inside there is a courtyard, the floor wet with blood. Welcome to the front-line. Welcome; to Cloisteredwood.

Renault

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2010, 09:17:44 pm »

For being just a hobby, these are actually pretty good. The structure is sound, the grammar solid, and nothing overtly egregious. But I have to agree with Super and say while the history is interesting, the story should be more important. Remember, if you were writing an encyclopedia article, the rattling of facts is very good, and here it does add a good flavor to the writing. But ultimately, people read stories for the human elements, for the characters--and there's not much that here. Specifically, it has a very distant sound to it--there's a strange distance between us and the events. The father drinking over the death of his son should have an emotional impact, a tragic weight to it, but instead we view it through the clinical detachment where every detail is explained.
For example, this line:

" The lies were working. Steven was trying to concentrate all the parts of his brain that could still think straight around the problem. Maybe he should join the Army. He had nothing left here. So why not? And if he died, then who cares? He’ll be with his son and his wife then, and that thought made him smile. Which made the Sergeant smile. Yet another recruit in the bag, he thought."

To make it livelier and more human, don't tell us he's trying to concentrate, show us. Have him stammer, have him struggle for words, have the Sergeant persuade him. Cut the sergeants line about the recruit in the bag--just have him smile. Readers are smart, they'll know why he's smiling and what he's thinking, and making that connection is what brings people into the story.
Little things like that and this'll be great. :D Good work!
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Herbiie

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2010, 02:01:07 am »

Hmmm, Ok, when I've woken up a bit more I'll make some changes :)

Thanks muchly for the advice :)

For being just a hobby, these are actually pretty good. The structure is sound, the grammar solid, and nothing overtly egregious. But I have to agree with Super and say while the history is interesting, the story should be more important. Remember, if you were writing an encyclopedia article, the rattling of facts is very good, and here it does add a good flavor to the writing. But ultimately, people read stories for the human elements, for the characters--and there's not much that here. Specifically, it has a very distant sound to it--there's a strange distance between us and the events. The father drinking over the death of his son should have an emotional impact, a tragic weight to it, but instead we view it through the clinical detachment where every detail is explained.
For example, this line:

" The lies were working. Steven was trying to concentrate all the parts of his brain that could still think straight around the problem. Maybe he should join the Army. He had nothing left here. So why not? And if he died, then who cares? He’ll be with his son and his wife then, and that thought made him smile. Which made the Sergeant smile. Yet another recruit in the bag, he thought."

To make it livelier and more human, don't tell us he's trying to concentrate, show us. Have him stammer, have him struggle for words, have the Sergeant persuade him. Cut the sergeants line about the recruit in the bag--just have him smile. Readers are smart, they'll know why he's smiling and what he's thinking, and making that connection is what brings people into the story.
Little things like that and this'll be great. :D Good work!


*edit*
Made a few small changes, and added a few lines in, what do ya think?
« Last Edit: September 16, 2010, 02:15:09 am by Herbiie »
Logged
The once dark-grey walls are now the dark brown of stained blood. At either side of the path leading to the great granite gates is covered with the corpses and skeletons of Goblin invaders.
Some are still fresh. One is still moving.
As you approach the gate a nervous guard looses a bolt in your direction. Silence... Slowly, gradually, the huge doors screech open. Inside there is a courtyard, the floor wet with blood. Welcome to the front-line. Welcome; to Cloisteredwood.

Renault

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2010, 02:20:22 am »

I hope it was useful advice!
The only other comment is entirely unrelated to writing: for something so intensely historical, you realize the phrase Thin Red Line doesn't show up until 1854, right?
It's a good story. I look forward to its completion.
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Supermikhail

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2010, 11:16:58 am »

Just letting you know that I'm going to read them sometime soon but not now, no time. I already can feel that you're becoming a better author through the advice of great critics us. 8)
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Herbiie

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2010, 01:28:59 pm »

I hope it was useful advice!
The only other comment is entirely unrelated to writing: for something so intensely historical, you realize the phrase Thin Red Line doesn't show up until 1854, right?
It's a good story. I look forward to its completion.

British still deployed in 2 ranks, whereas other units deployed in 3, which is the reason it was called the "Thin Red Line", all stems from the same tactic as we used it during the Victorian ages (when we fought in ranks for e.g. during the Zulu war), and have been wearing red coats (Red dye is cheap + wounds don't look as bad if you're wearing red) since Cromwell's New Model Army during one of the billions of English Civil wars :)

@ Super I'm not really an author :P Just some idiot with time on his hands :)
Logged
The once dark-grey walls are now the dark brown of stained blood. At either side of the path leading to the great granite gates is covered with the corpses and skeletons of Goblin invaders.
Some are still fresh. One is still moving.
As you approach the gate a nervous guard looses a bolt in your direction. Silence... Slowly, gradually, the huge doors screech open. Inside there is a courtyard, the floor wet with blood. Welcome to the front-line. Welcome; to Cloisteredwood.

Renault

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2010, 01:45:43 pm »

I hope it was useful advice!
The only other comment is entirely unrelated to writing: for something so intensely historical, you realize the phrase Thin Red Line doesn't show up until 1854, right?
It's a good story. I look forward to its completion.

British still deployed in 2 ranks, whereas other units deployed in 3, which is the reason it was called the "Thin Red Line", all stems from the same tactic as we used it during the Victorian ages (when we fought in ranks for e.g. during the Zulu war), and have been wearing red coats (Red dye is cheap + wounds don't look as bad if you're wearing red) since Cromwell's New Model Army during one of the billions of English Civil wars :)

@ Super I'm not really an author :P Just some idiot with time on his hands :)

Oh, I'm not challenging your historical knowledge--you obviously know your stuff. Its just that the phrase "Thin Red Line" itself, or at least as far as I'm aware, first shows up at the Battle of Balaclava, in the Crimean War.
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Herbiie

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Re: Short Stories :)
« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2010, 02:27:17 pm »

Yeah but it doesn't just refer too the actual battle, just to how the British Deployed in general, for e.g. at Waterloo there was the thin red line (For most of it anyway) it just wasn't called it at the time :) I see your point though

I hope it was useful advice!
The only other comment is entirely unrelated to writing: for something so intensely historical, you realize the phrase Thin Red Line doesn't show up until 1854, right?
It's a good story. I look forward to its completion.

British still deployed in 2 ranks, whereas other units deployed in 3, which is the reason it was called the "Thin Red Line", all stems from the same tactic as we used it during the Victorian ages (when we fought in ranks for e.g. during the Zulu war), and have been wearing red coats (Red dye is cheap + wounds don't look as bad if you're wearing red) since Cromwell's New Model Army during one of the billions of English Civil wars :)

@ Super I'm not really an author :P Just some idiot with time on his hands :)

Oh, I'm not challenging your historical knowledge--you obviously know your stuff. Its just that the phrase "Thin Red Line" itself, or at least as far as I'm aware, first shows up at the Battle of Balaclava, in the Crimean War.
Logged
The once dark-grey walls are now the dark brown of stained blood. At either side of the path leading to the great granite gates is covered with the corpses and skeletons of Goblin invaders.
Some are still fresh. One is still moving.
As you approach the gate a nervous guard looses a bolt in your direction. Silence... Slowly, gradually, the huge doors screech open. Inside there is a courtyard, the floor wet with blood. Welcome to the front-line. Welcome; to Cloisteredwood.