Part of me can't believe I'm doing this, but bay12 forum-goers tend to be rather enlightened people, so here goes my tale of woe:
When I was in HS, I was one guy away from the top of my class and spent all my time doing things that most people would consider rather constructive, and perhaps as a consequence of this I had rather big dreams. I loved genetics, and with stars in my eyes planned on going to college, majoring in bioinformatics, getting a doctorate, and spending the rest of my life working out a genetic cure to either a LOT of diseases or just human mortality in general. Was an incredible nerd (I founded our robotics club), had a nice if standoffish girlfriend, and my weight/lack of muscle problem didn't really bother me.
Fast-forward to what was described to me as a relatively exclusive engineering college (I know you can easily pull my IP but I'd rather maintain a veneer of anonymity). I don't get a freshman year; I get enough AP credits to land directly in the Ochem-enriched sophomore portion of my tracking course. I get a new girlfriend (last one and I decided college was a good time to break it off), this one much more visibly enthusiastic about being together, although much of that energy was pointless as we were at two different colleges. The classes prove hard to the point of near-impossibility, I lose a great deal of sleep, and I just...change. I lost something walking away from Ochem final and getting on the plane home, perhaps best described as a combination of vim and ambition. I'm still in the same school, albeit with a 2.9 GPA, and I'm still a year and a half ahead of where I should be, but...I'm not happy like I used to be. I don't do anything but my classes and studying, and those are spent consumed with anxiety; perhaps THAT was the fact that will lose me points on the next test, or was it THAT? I get emails distributed to the college entitled "for top students" and delete them without reading them. My girlfriend left me, saying she didn't want to feel guilty about cheating on me anymore (reasonable in hindsight); getting another girlfriend has never even crossed my mind as feasible. My friends are all saying how great and wonderful college is, and the last time anyone asked me about it I described it as hell made worse by the possibility of having to leave. I'm just operating by rote now, doing what my professors say and registering for things my tracking course says I should. I don't have any dreams or plans beyond college and possibly grad school.
I just feel so...second-rate now, like everyone else is going to do much better than I (and they have) for a variety of factors all related to my personal flaws. I'm not good enough at interpersonal skills to woo the right people and get ahead in academia, I'm not neurotically smart enough to wind up exploited by the pharmaceutical industry (despite my lack of morals. somewhere along the way I became some sort of nihilist), and on a more personal level I'm not attractive enough to get a girlfriend-- petty, yes, but I liked having someone who genuinely appreciated it when I tried to make them happy. I read satire about nerds and identify with it. I don't even go see my(few) friends anymore; their achievements irritate me and their merriment burns. My parents have advised me that any more of this ridiculous bull(edit)--their words-- will result in my removal from college, and that unless I grow up I'm never going to have a career. So here I am, asking people I can stand to ask:
How do I fix me?
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Topic: Do I need help? (Read 4175 times)