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Author Topic: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.  (Read 2227 times)

Huesoo

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Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« on: August 28, 2010, 11:56:23 am »

Yeah I write stories, deal with it.  8)


Sigmund’s Castle
By Wulf Schilling
It was a dark and gloomy day on 1960 20th of July in East Germany. The day was a beautiful one until… until it took a turn for the worse for Helga and Rolf Sinning. They where on vacation and decided to go to the country side for a calming hike in the mountains. The couple stopped at a Gas Station to ask for directions and tips from the locals.
“Hello? Is anyone there? We need directions for a hiking trip.” said Rolf.” Ah, hallo, vait a minute, I need to finish fixing ze faucet.”Said a man who appeared to have hoarsest voice Rolf had ever heard, while also having a heavy German accent. Whilst the man was fixing his faucet, Rolf took in a view of the place. There was dust everywhere, the boxed foods looked like they where from the rations which where given away during the war when he was a child, spider webs in the corner and that thick sheets of black paper where pasted over the windows. “Zer! Ze faucet IST fixed! Okay, first you vill vant to carry onvard straight for tventy kilometers zen take a left- while the man kept on talking Rolf did not hear a word he said. The man had a fake eye that looked like it stared into his soul. All the teeth had fallen out of his rotten mouth, a sick wonder that this man could pronounce words at all.

Rolf was lost for words, the shock of this mans combined ugliness disturbed him, his hoarse voice sounding like that of a lung cancer patient, filled with disgust he franticly tries to come up with an excuse -be careful zough because zer ist a castle nearby and vhenever ze young men go to drink in ze voods, zey disappear! Some say it ist ze doctor zer who abducts them.” continues onward the man. “Thank you… but… um… I must go sir I am very sorry.” Says Rolf whilst he slowly backs away from the gas station, silly him! For if he had not been filled with bigotry then he could have heard some valuable advice.
“So? Did you get directions? Hey why are you panting and sweating?” Said Helga. “I’m… I’m sorry. It was just that… that man was horrible, it was wrong, it was all wrong. The food was old, dust was everywhere and there where spider webs everywhere. And the man… the… the man was something dark and evil, I don’t know why but it just seemed everything was going to go horrible wrong if I didn’t leave the place.” Said Rolf, shivering when he mentioned the man. Helga not really taking care said a few kind words while just brushing it off as her husband’s bouts of Xenophobia. Rolf told his wife of what little directions he heard from the man, he said that at least they still have time for the hike and she shouldn’t be worried.

Astounded they where when they saw that the few directions he heard sent them to a hiking trail that led off to the mountains, not taking notice that they where the only ones parked there. “All righty then, do you have the gun? Remember the brochure said that there where black bears in the area” Rolf said when they where getting the bag outs. “Yes, yes I do.” Helga said with a smile on her face.
The Hike they had was amazing, the sights, the sounds and all the smells of the forest where appealing to them. The dark musty evergreen forests scared Helga, for she saw short shape scurrying across in the distance, dancing almost, teasing each other… then running off again. Near the top of the mountain they where, tasting the fresh mountain air and feeling the jagged rocks underneath their feet. Not taking care, they wandered off looking for a picnic site they could stay at.  Finally they found a nestled spot they could have their picnic, it was a bed of needles on the outskirts of an evergreen forest halfway up the mountain. Eating good food and drinking fine wine they had not a care in the world that would be their undoing. The wine, which was so fine, made them both drowsy. Falling asleep in each others arms, they wandered off to the realm of unconsciousness.
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Huesoo

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2010, 11:57:55 am »

Chapter Herp

“Make haste Markus!” Whispered the small dwarf which was covered in rags and bandages “Josef will need want us to sack them, take their things, so, when they wake up they will have nothing.” Three dwarves beat up, ugly and scarred wearing nothing but rags, and some bandages that covered some of their ghastly wounds. They had sharp teeth, mangled hair and eyes adapted to dungeons and labyrinths; with their nimble fingers they took all valuables away from the happy couple.”Wilhelm, Christian look! It is one of the guns from the big war, remember our parents talked about it!” “It looks like a Luger, Josef shall probably know which model it is, they probably took it for the bears” Said Christian. “Good, very good, now, we are off! O my brothers Josef shall be so happy with us! Maybe our Sofia will get an eye or maybe even lips so she can talk again!” Said Wilhelm, apparently the leader of this dangerous trio. Markus, Wilhelm and Christian went their way quickly, hopping into one of the hidden entrances that led to the tunnels that circumnavigated the mountain, finally leading to the dungeons of the Castle.
Left for dead, Rolf and Helga wake up. The gentle pit pat pit pat of rain working as an alarm. Though the pine trees worked as a shield for them, blocking most of the rain, little droplets fell on their faces. “Ugh, Rolf, Rolf wake up, I think its raining. Oh god Rolf wake up, it’s DARK!” Said Helga with a grimace of panic strewn across her face. “What? Wait, hey its dark and its raining.” Said Rolf in a state of being half asleep. “Why are you so calm?! Of course it is captain obvious! Jesus Christ no! Our stuff… it’s gone, we’re stuck in a forest, and it’s dark and raining.” Said Helga, starting to panic now “Our stuffs gone too” Said Rolf trying to be cheery “Do not interrupt me! Oh god oh god oh god WHAT ARE GOING TO DO!” Yells out Helga fully panicked now. They continue fighting and worrying until Rolf suggests going to the castle he saw while climbing the mountain. With that they leave the forest edge to go searching for the castle. The search is a nightmare for them; thunder exploding across the sky illuminating twisted dead trees whose branches are reaching up like sinners in Hell reaching up begging for forgiveness. They saw horrid sights, oh God or Allah or whichever merciful god you worship, the sights where sights of evil. Trees acting like makeshift gallows with men hanging from them and horrible hags in trees, waiting to jump out on to you. The wonderful smell they smelt during their climb during the day was gone; with it the sweet smell of rotting flesh came over the forest. “Make it stop please! I… I can’t take it anymore, I am sorry” With those words Helga collapsed, falling into Rolfs arms.
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Huesoo

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2010, 01:22:30 pm »

Chapter Derp.


Unknown to her they where right outside of the castle. Its rugged edges protruding into the moonlight, now visible since the rain stopped. With Helga held in one arm and the other one slamming on the door, Rolf was ready collapse. “Why hello there I wasn’t- Rolf got on one knee, dropping off Helga unto the ground. He then collapsed, falling on top of a fancy Persian rug.
When Rolf and Helga woke up they where greeted by a well groomed man who looked about 50, he had posh cologne on and his hair was groomed back. “As I was saying before you collapsed, I wasn’t expecting visitors” Said the posh man. “We are very sorry sir, it’s just that our things where stolen, it was dark, raining and we where seeing such horrible things. Such… such horrible things.” Whispers Rolf. Gazing off into the distance. “Ah, about that, my man servants found your camp site early in the morning, cheap old wine and half eaten mushrooms where found. That might explain your predicament. Oh! How rude of me, I forgot to tell you my name, my name is Sigmund, Sigmund von Freeden!” Says Sigmund with a grin on his face. “Mushrooms? I… I really don’t remember any mushrooms.” “Honey it must we must have found them after we got drunk and wondered off.” Helga and Rolf say. “Well its dinner time, I propose that you two get ready” Sigmund says while walking out of the room. “We shall” Helga and Rolf say in unison.

Rolf gets out of bed and washes up, while Helga eavesdrops through the door. “Josef! You are finally out of there- “Silence, we have guests over so my name is Sigmund, you got it? S-i-g-m-u-n-d! Now don’t muck up again!” Snarls Sigmund. Helga tells Rolf what she has heard and gets ready. Outside of their room they can feel the cold from the old weary stones that make up the floor and taste the mildew in the air. The dark eeriness of the castle is doubled by the massive dining room. Taken right out of the scary pulp fiction they read as children, the dining room is large and only illuminated by the iron cast chandelier in the middle, the corners staying dark, letting their imagination only guess what horrors are there. With a massively long table in the middle, Josef chooses to sit at one end with his three dwarf man servants while Rolf and Helga sit at the other. After an awkward dinner, Josef invites them to explore the castle but not to go underground for that is where he works. The castle is an alien planet to them; cold wet water dripping from the tops unto the floor which is covered with scurrying rats in some places. Helga and Rolf split up, Helga wanting to explore more, specifically the underground while Rolf goes to bed.

Helga sneakily goes down to the underground, she hears footsteps coming so she jumps quickly into the next door she sees. After she hears them pass she looks around the room. Jars everywhere and a 3 surgical tables, in the jars the most disgusting things imaginable, human eyes, organs and fetuses all float in the jars, while on the surgical tables are dwarves, 2 of them. They are both have lost several body parts, maybe an ear or an eye and even on one of them her lips are missing. Disgusted by what she has seen she almost faints, but keeping her compouser and continues on deeper. As she walks closer she sees that there is a name tag on the third table, she bends over for a better view. To her horror she sees that it has her name on it. Desperation, fear; these are the emotions she feels right then and there. Helga turns around to get away from the dastardly place, but to her grievance Josef is standing right there. “Oh naughty you, I said not to come down here but you did. But before I kill you, I would like to give you a back story, nobody likes to die in confusion. I was once a wonderful and talented doctor in the glorious Reich at the revered camp Auschwitz, but sadly the war went badly for us and I had to escape. So I came here, I heard there was a rundown castle for sale and I bought it, with a fake alias saying that I was a wealthy surgeon and that the dwarves where my manservants. The ignorant villagers gobbled it all up. To not stay bored for the rest of my life I continued my studies here, with my dwarves drugging or kidnapping some of the intrepid hikers that came into the forest.” “Y-you’re Josef Mengele! Oh god.” Whimpers Helga. “Clever you, you found me out. Im quite safe here considering I almost never have contact with the local popoulice.” Helga grabs a bottle containing some strange liquid off the table and smashes it, revealing its sharp teeth. “You try to touch me and I’ll gut you like a pig!” Yells Helga. “You think I would tell you my story and what im going to do while aswell putting myself in any remote risk of danger? Do you think im a comic book villain of some sorts? I added sedatives to your food before dinner time, your husband went to sleep and got his jugular cut by my dwarves. Ahhh, nothing like seeing a red rose grow. To think of it, your time should be coming soon, in fact (Josef pulls out a stop watch) its in 3.. 2.. 1, sweet dreams buttercup. Helgas eyes flutter then close, she falls and her head hits the edge of the table. A puddle of blood pours around her body, Josef calls out for his dwarves.

The end.

I wrote this one evening for school, critique as you wish.
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Dwarf

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2010, 05:38:07 pm »

tl;dr but I can see that the first and the last paragraph have got different times, so you might've screwed up.
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Now, if we could only mod Giant War Eagles to carry crossbows, we could do strafing runs on the elves who sold the eagles to us in the first place.

Huesoo

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2010, 05:42:14 pm »

tl;dr but I can see that the first and the last paragraph have got different times, so you might've screwed up.

Different times?
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Chutney

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2010, 05:47:08 pm »

You tense switch a lot. Like, using was in the first half of a sentence, and is in the second.

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Rolf was lost for words, the shock of this mans combined ugliness disturbed him, his hoarse voice sounding like that of a lung cancer patient, filled with disgust he franticly tries to come up with an excuse
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Supermikhail

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2010, 10:05:36 am »

You tense switch a lot. Like, using was in the first half of a sentence, and is in the second.

Quote
Rolf was lost for words, the shock of this mans combined ugliness disturbed him, his hoarse voice sounding like that of a lung cancer patient, filled with disgust he franticly tries to come up with an excuse

You're wrong about the second case. It's gerund or something, and completely legitimate. The first and the last, however, are... ugly. In my experience on these forums, it's one of the most grating issues with writing. Maybe it's just me. Basically, you have to decide when your story is set. Is it a contemporary event, a live report from the site, or a subsequent account of the events? Hopefully, you'll settle on the latter, and most of the verbs in your work will be in the past simple tense.
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Huesoo

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2010, 02:28:30 pm »

Thanks alot, did anyone enjoy the story? The only thing my teacher wanted was that it had a gothic setting, so I got a good grade.
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Supermikhail

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2010, 02:00:17 am »

Did you name the chapters "herp" and "derp" in the work submitted in class?

I've read it, and the positive side to it is that it's short and proceeds to the point quickly. The rest is negative: each character should speak in a different paragraph, the tense shift mostly in derp, lots of grammar, and it would generally work better in the fairy tale format, instead of I don't know what it's supposed to be, presumably a short story. So I'd really rather you edited it before I read it.

Also, I don't think sedatives work like that.
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Josephus

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2010, 02:07:33 am »

Oh my god, "It was a dark and gloomy night"?

Really?

Also, spelling and syntax, man.
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Solar Rangers: Suggestion Game in SPAAAAACE
RPG Interest Check Thread
i had the elves bring me two tigermen, although i forgot to let them out of the cage and they died : ( i was sad : (

Huesoo

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2010, 08:02:03 am »

Well my teacher thought it was nice...
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Josephus

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #11 on: August 31, 2010, 08:06:35 am »

How long have you been writing?
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Solar Rangers: Suggestion Game in SPAAAAACE
RPG Interest Check Thread
i had the elves bring me two tigermen, although i forgot to let them out of the cage and they died : ( i was sad : (

Medicine Man

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2010, 08:06:49 am »

Well my teacher thought it was nice...
Teachers have a bad habit of sugar coating things...well some of them do.
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Huesoo

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2010, 08:09:26 am »

I dont write in my sparetime. I wrote this one evening for school because im great at procrastination. Just thought I'd share it. From the reviews you guys have given me I atleast know its going to be great /x/ creepypasta.
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Josephus

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Re: Huesoo's amazingly good horror stories aboot gothics.
« Reply #14 on: August 31, 2010, 08:12:18 am »

You should practice more, man.
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Solar Rangers: Suggestion Game in SPAAAAACE
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i had the elves bring me two tigermen, although i forgot to let them out of the cage and they died : ( i was sad : (
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