Well, if you were all engaged in jolly cooperation against the AI, the game would be easy, after all.
The only issue was that I'd been making it easy for them and harder for myself, offering support to them whilst imposing restrictions on myself - I've been playing using just one Kingdom whilst they both went for Imperial Administration, min-maxed expansion. It's the awful moment you realise that your characters are all diplomats and theirs are elusive shadows xD
It's a pity because we originally did have jolly cooperation so powerful it restored the Orthodox Pentarchy
THE CHEEKY BUGGER IS THE OPPOSITE OF JOLLY COOPERATION
I spent most of the game as a Yuan tributary, while the British had barony-tier embassies which kept them in diplomatic range of the Yuan dynasty. The British had been storing up considerable grace through the selling of artifacts and eunuchs, though I always assumed it was spent on engineers, doctors and the such. Having spent a century and a half trying to regain my lands from the Byzantines, the stars aligned and a perfect opportunity presented itself.
For reasons unknown, my Brother inherited a strong claim to the Byzantine Empire.
I imprisoned my three children and executed them all. This act of brazen kinslaying tyranny incensed all of my vassals into assassinating me, passing the throne to my heir. After a year of consolidating my court (which had a -65 opinion of me based off my my now dead brother's tyranny), I swore fealty to the Byzantine Empire and set up a faction to install me as ruler. Both my friend in Britain and my friend in Germany were well aware of this.
The Byzantines went from being a paltry, dying thing, to an incendiary pheonix stretching from Mediterranean to the Indian Ocean. Then it became a paltry dying thing fighting a revolt against an incendiary pheonix stretching from the Mediterranean to the Indian Ocean: The Kingdom of Diogenes mobilized over 109,000 troops to fight the Byzantine's 9,000, with my real main opposition being the other two faction revolts also fighting to claim the Byzantine Throne. My friend in Germany was helping the Byzantines put down one of these revolts, with that revolt having lasted for
20 years.
I win the war and quickly rearrange my troops in order to crush the last rebel faction remaining when I receive a report which just confuses me. At first I thought the British and the Yuan dynasty were at war, then the truth of what had just occurred dawned on me. The British had spent 5000 grace to have the Yuan Empire dismantle all of my lands.
The British player lied horrendously through their teeth once they knew I knew it was them who'd done it. They cycled through a barrage of excuses - I didn't know it was you, I thought I was helping you by destroying the Empire you spent 150 years plotting to claim, I thought you wouldn't get destroyed if you were in a rebellion, you'll still keep a lot of your de jure lands (yeah 8 counties out of 500).
I must say I wasn't too concerned with rebutting these whilst
140,000 Mongol-Chinese troops were marching towards my borders, so I merely told the British that they were my enemy and left it at that. That 140,000 was not even counting their tributaries - 3,000 attacking Egypt, 20,000 Russians attacking the Baltics, 7,000 Indians attacking Persia. The Brits sent me 3,000 gold to try and prove they meant me no ill-will, but it was obvious they were just covering up - 3,000 gold was not much to either myself or him, and we both knew it would mean nothing when every Empire and Kingdom title was destroyed. He knew I was the Byzantines, and he called it the moment I wasn't a Yuan tributary.
Thank god the Germans stuck by their pact with me, as they continued to fight the Byzantine civil war faction which was in my rear. If I lost the civil war faction, the Mongols would still destroy all of my titles, so I was fighting a four front war at the same time as a civil war - truly without the Germans, there was no hope. When the Germans asked me how they could help me defeat the Mongols, I told them to send God, because there was little else they could do. I expelled the Jews to claim 5,000 gold, and summoned my mercenaries, my levies and my cataphracts, and stationed them all in Persia. The British delighted in hearing that I had never defeated the Chinese before, and the son of a bitch was a terrible liar, feigning dismay at my resilient ability to fund vast sums of troops
Disaster struck when my troops, amassed in Persia, found instead that the Chinese were attacking the steppes north of the Caucausus mountains. They force sieged the provinces there, immediately bringing me to -99% warscore. The warscore from occupation was capped at -99% until 36 months was over, or the Mongols won 1 major battle. With my troops desperately rushing up to the Caucasus, I had 1 battle to win or lose.
My heartbeat: Palpitating. German player; Anxious. British player: Calm.
Battle won. Battle won. Battle won. Battle lost. Battle won. Battle lost.
I nearly died of stress when my 15,000 strong retinue of cataphracts was defeated and only 4,000 cataphracts survived. The Western Protectorate had 126,000 gold ducats so I wasn't going to win by attrition of gold, but when it came to manpower I was doing my damned best to make every battle hurt.
Numbers, the damned numbers. I was muttering to myself, you to Abkhazia, you to Lower Dnieppe, you to Azov, you to Crimea... When the warscore went up from -99% to -59%, I received a second report that the Chinese were sending reinforcements from the Indian ocean. The German player told me he saw 500 Chinese ships approaching the Diogenesian gulf of Persia. I redeployed all but 16,000 troops south from Aden to Oman and Hormuz in anticipation of this new threat. Months went by and I nervously made the call that the Chinese had landed in their tributary in India and were marching overland to attack in the North - I was partially right, they were attacking in the North and in Persia. My character in game replied: "What does it take to kill this beast?!!"
With every battle a desperate fight to stay in the war, I began to have a nervous breakdown which culminated in me singing several beatles songs with the lyrics altered to better represent my fear of the Mongol-Chinese legions. Help, I need someone, help, not just anybody, help, you know I need someone, help, won't you pleeeeeease please help me, OH GOD, SO MANY CHINEEEEEEEEEESE
It took what felt like years, but was really a matter of weeks, for me to realise the Chinese army of 200,000 men now numbered 12,000. My warscore from battles was capped at 100%, so I had to unsiege every sieged province - only at this point did I realise the Chinese tributaries had been called into the war. I had to send my armies from Persia to Egypt and the Baltics to unsiege all these provinces, and the last one in the Baltics was a nerve wracking siege to observe. When it was done the adrenaline in my blood made me thrilled and sick in equal measures, and I was screaming such profanity as unbecoming of an Orthodox King. But fuck it, fuck the dragon, I'm the dragonslayer bitch get fucked. GET FUCKED.
The British promptly used my victory to declare their own independence war against the Yuan Empire. With the Yuan's troops exhausted, their independence bid was simple.
In the aftermath of the war I set about reforming the Byzantine Empire. I intended to destroy the Imperial Title by casting it into the flames of Mt. Vesuvius, but by the time I won the great war I realised that my most powerful dukes had already declared themselves Kings and Queens, making a return to my previous system under the precious Kingdom of Diogenes impossible. I was now forced to become the Romans. I promptly set about reforming the Roman Empire, whilst planning an unlimited retribution against the dog of the British Isles - but that would have to wait. I had the Germans to support in their own civil war, while my Empire was vastly over its vassal limit. There now is less than 40 years until conversion to EU4
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Topic: Crusader Kings 2 is released. (Read 2121042 times)