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I'd like to become a professional writer in the next decade.

7 (29.2%)

Less than videogames.

6 (25%)

I am a professional writer.

3 (12.5%)

More than my health.

2 (8.3%)

I'm not sure.

5 (20.8%)

More than videogames.

0 (0%)

Not at all.

1 (4.2%)

Total Members Voted: 24

Voting closed: April 23, 2012, 11:42:36 pm

[Deon]

What would you suggesst as a word to replace the player's name in voice acts? Friend, boy/girl/fella/what? Something not gender specific would be great.

[Fikes]

You can either just ingore it, or use "friend". "Come back anytime, anytime!" or "Come back anytime, friend, anytime!"

You could throw out the player name thing all together, but I think it is a realistic dipiction of this type of person (as I see him, you could have a totally different idea). Gives him character.

[Deon]

Yeah, it's a nice idea. And we could have a question topic: "Why do you keep calling me by name?" And he would answer: "You people are all alike, I have to remember names not to mix you up. Iguanas... iguanas are all different though, every has its own pattern on its beautiful soft skin." Something like that .

[Fikes]

I don't think you want to make it too obvious why he uses people's name so much. Also, if he loves iguanas it is unlikely he'd be prone to cook and sale them.  Here is a sample conversation he and the player, Fikes could have.

Also, I think it would be really fun to make the player suspect John is using human meat, since Bob did in FO1. The quests could meet in the middle with a handy plot twist.

John: Welcome to my establishment! Not much to look at, I know, but I’ll fill your belly cheaper than old Buck over there.  What’s yer name stranger, and what can I getcha?

Fikes: My name is Fikes. Do you have anything to eat other than Iguanas?

John (looking offended): Ya know Fikes, you just are not going to find a better source of pro-timber (purposeful mix of protein and fiber, because John doesn’t really know what he is talking about) than in the tasty iguana, Fikes. Let me tell you, I was raised on the stuff! I turned out great ya know, Fikes.

Fikes: Why do you keep calling me Fikes?

John: Customer service! It is what separates me from old Bucky over thar. It is like my dad always said, he said “John, some day you’ll be in charge. The shack is run down and the meat is stringy, you really have to sell this stuff ya know.”

[Deon]

Also, if he loves iguanas it is unlikely he'd be prone to cook and sale them.

He loves them not in that way how you love cats. No, he loves EVERYTHING about them: their look, their habits, their ability to survive in this terrible world and their taste . He thinks that they are the best of all animals, and the most tasty.

Also, I think I really love the way you write dialogues :3. Thank you.

The part with a "human meat" suspicions may give you tips about Buck's real business (if you didn't complete his quest) or allow you to kill poor Iguana John if your intelligence/speechcraft are high without any consequences because you could "convince" others that he had human meat too (if you brought some from Buck's house and dropped it in his storage). It would make no sense, but it could be a quest from a man across the street who hates the look of John's arse every morning under his windows...

So many possibilities .

[Grakelin]

He should have a copy of the classic Tenessee Williams play, Night of the Iguana.

[Vertigon]

Well, I beat this together in my 30 minutes of free time today
I enjoyed writing it and that what matters most
Beat it down, rip my writing in to shreds because that's the only way I'll improve
Here goes everything:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

In the dim glow of dawn on Ichar IV, rockets whistle down and erupt constantly, punctuated by gunfire and the screams of dying men. I hunker down, hugging the trench wall, and tighten my grip on my las-rifle. We've been fighting - if you can call this slaughter 'fighting' - for two or three weeks, and quite honestly, I don't even remember why I'm here anymore. My platoon's latest order is to storm the ork bunker up on the hill, and claim the hill for the might of the glorious Emperor. At this point, Emperor be damned, taking the hill is our only avenue of survival. Our platoon of 5 squads has been decimated; my squad is the only left, and of that half of us have been killed in action. No flag waves on that hill - hardly that, more a mound of dirt - and time is running out on us. We're scheduled to pull out in a few days if the last push isn't successful, and at this rate, the 6 assaulters left aren't going to make it out in a body bag, much less a shuttle. Suddenly, without any warning, Franx breaks away from his cover, grabs the spare flag we've been using as a bandage - Matterson doesn't need it anymore, after all - and charges up the hill, zigging and zagging and miraculously surviving so far. We mutter a few curses, take up our weapons, and provide what meager covering fire we can without getting our selves killed. He makes it up to the top of the dirt mound, plants his flag, turns around, grins, and is promptly blown apart by a hail of gunfire. Then, to make matters worse, the entire hill disappears in a plume of dirt, fire, and smoke, and the five of us left are rocked back off our feet. Marn decides he's had enough of this and makes to desert. He gets about ten steps before Jun, the highest ranking officer left, blows Marn's legs out from under him. Jun struggles to his feet, traces Marn's steps, mutters 'Traitor,' and obliterates the poor trooper's head, flinging fragments of skull and gray matter in every direction. He doesn't even bother to say the standard phrase - 'Let that be a lesson to the rest of you scum' - instead just growls, 'Pull out.'
        'That's not fair!' I exclaim. 'That's exactly what Marn was doing!'
        'Marn wasn't under orders now, was he, Kage?' Jun snarls.
        'Fair enough,' I concede, packing my gear. I'm glad to get out of here, even if we left millions of good soldiers down here without even a prayer, much less a grave. When we get out, they'll just orbitally bombard the planet from existence, like they always do. All those lives in vain - not that it matters to His Greatness, whose arm stretches thousands of galaxies in every direction - just for a planet that won't even be habitable until fifty years after the orbital bombardment. The unfairness of it all makes me want to retch, but I know my only hope of being pardoned for my crimes is to be the last man alive in this Prison Legion. And I will survive, because that's all I know how to do.

[Supermikhail]

@Vertigon: Well... Bad news, or very bad news, soldier?... WRONG ANSWER!... I can't hear ya!... That's right, here's your very bad news for your hardcore marine ass, because the Empire doesn't need any other kind of ass!... WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? GET GOING!

Nice development of the story, and nice twist in the end. This goes a long way to keep readers interested, making them think and wonder.

Your biggest fault, as I see it, is genre confusion. You've got a verbal conversation in mind, but, possibly, literary clichés make you try to write a regular action piece. Verbal conversation requires believable language, and not only in dialogue, but throughout the story. And, well, I'm having a hard time imagining an ex-con soldier start his story with "In the dim glow of dawn..." In a first-person piece, in general, language is very important. If you do it wrong, the reader's reaction may range from "Is he joking?" to "Hm... Experimental pieces aren't really my thing." As a fiction writer, you have to be an actor inside, so my advice if you're going to work on this piece further, would be to try to get into the shoes of the protagonist, put on a funny accent, and tell this same story, addressing an appropriate audience. Maybe some jargon to taste would be a good thing.

And while you do that, pay attention to dialogue-tags. It goes without saying that no one speaks like that in real life. More importantly, no one writes like that. Your dialogue-tags attract a lot of attention. I at first, after getting to "I exclaim", read only the dialogue tags. It may be because in your dialogue they're so redundant that they are a part on their own, so if you omitted the dialogue leaving only the dialogue-tags, you wouldn't miss anything. Keeping both parts is probably a bad idea, and I'll leave it up to you to decide which one you like most. However, if you decide on characters' words, a way to reduce the prominence of dialogue-tags lies in simplifying them. "Exclaim", "snarl", and "concede" are pretty fancy. Simpler substitutes are "say", "ask", "reply", and that's pretty much it. Well, "shout" for very tense situations... Hm, I lied. Technically, you can keep both parts, but you have to turn the dialogue-tags into separate action lines. That is, instead "snarling", Jun would glare at the protagonist, lowering his gun with a hidden threat, probably.

My biggest gripe, however, is that the story is in the same old space war, planet under orbital bombardment setting. Although, I suspect that it's related to some video game which I haven't played.

[Fishbreath]

A whole tabletop/video game franchise, in fact: Warhammer 40K.

[Supermikhail]

Hm. You think it'd be a good idea to update my brain with some lore pertaining to this franchise? It's a second time at least that I encounter references to it in a thread, feel an urge to participate, but can't make out hands from feet in it.

[Fishbreath]

It's certainly worth looking into, I'd say. The tabletop game is way too expensive for my tastes, but some of the books are pretty good. I'd look into the Ciaphas Cain series, although those aren't all that much like the feel of the series as a whole. On the other hand, it's my opinion that the rest of the 40k mythos takes itself much too seriously, but I've always had more of a soft spot for Warhammer Fantasy anyway.

[Vertigon]

-critiquesnip-

Jeez, that's a glaring contradiction that I totally missed
Thanks.

[lordnincompoop]

Hello writers and readers of Bay12. I'm embarking on a game quest mod I've had in the cooker for a while now, and I finally got around to pinning the plot down. However, plot is one of my weaknesses, so I implore upon you guys to tell me it's shit critique it and suggest improvements, as well as point out any plot holes.

Spoiler: The plot (click to show/hide)

There are two main characters other than the player. They will be called NPC1 and NPC2. NPC1 is the first person the player will meet, and is the agent for the ancient entity behind all this that the player will eventually face He is the impostor of NPC2, and to the player they are almost exactly alike. NPC2 is the second one, and this man has been kidnapped and has been trapped in a dungeon for a good amount of months.

The quest starts out with the player accepting a rather minor task; to clear out a goblin/undead infestation nearby that has harassed the villagers. As the player is on the way, NPC1 runs up to and meets him, explaining that he wishes to join the player on his quest (the player will now believe that NPC1 is the real one, because he has no reason to think otherwise), as his family (in reality NPC2's family) has been attacked by these undead and came out injured (they are currently living in a cheap inn, according to NPC1. They are not). He will be wearing armour and holding a weapon. He'll be armed a little too well, which is the first subtle hint that something is amiss.

[Vector]

That's a setup, not a plot.  We need to know a general idea of the problems and motivations of the characters for plot to happen.

[lordnincompoop]

Yeah, I know. I pressed the send button after the first paragraph. :facepalm:

I'm editing it right now.

EDIT: here's the full plot.

Spoiler: The plot (click to show/hide)

There are two main characters other than the player. They will be called NPC1 and NPC2. NPC1 is the first person the player will meet, and is the agent for the ancient entity behind all this that the player will eventually face He is the impostor of NPC2, and to the player they are almost exactly alike. NPC2 is the second one, and this man has been kidnapped and has been trapped in a dungeon for a good amount of months.

The quest starts out with the player accepting a rather minor task; to clear out a goblin/undead infestation nearby that has harassed the villagers. As the player is on the way, NPC1 runs up to and meets him, explaining that he wishes to join the player on his quest (the player will now believe that NPC1 is the real one, because he has no reason to think otherwise), as his family (in reality NPC2's family) has been attacked by these undead and came out injured (they are currently living in a cheap inn, according to NPC1. They are not). He will be wearing armour and holding a weapon. He'll be armed a little too well, which is the first subtle hint that something is amiss.

They fight through the dungeon and kills the goblins, until the end in which NPC1 gets "kidnapped". The player continues into another dungeon (now looking more like an old fort) and here he'll meet NPC2. They will fight through this dungeon, lasting several nights. Near the end, NPC2 will get swapped out with NPC1. They find some "clues" , and NPC1 brings the player to the conclusion that a certain few people need to be killed to advance this. He will convince the player that this is necessary.

They kill these people, and the player will be troubled by how they seem to recognise NPC1 and how they seem rather innocent. Hidden to the player, NPC1 will have watched all this happen and will blame it on the player, as the people killed were in fact his family.

The quest advances and the player enters the second part of the dungeon along with NPC1. During yet another sleep sequence NPC1 will be swapped out with NPC2, who has been fittedout for this occasion. During the dungeoneering, NPC2 will attempt to assassinate the player to avenge the death of his relatives.

The player will wake up with NPC 1 tending to him, and predictably the player will panic. NPC1 will convince the player that there's been some trickery involved and that NPC2 is the perpetrator. The two will again fight through dungeons until they get close to the real source of this, and they concoct a plan to kill him.

In the most essential part of the plan, NPC1 will betray the player and they will get captured. The screen will fade to black.

When the screen fades back again, NPC1 is seen dragging the player in chains toward the Boss. The Boss will make a monologue about how they played them all, while NPC1 slips a knife into the player's hand (this is because of his own motives; he seeks to usurp the Boss).

As a final heartwrench, the now horribly mutilated NPC2 will be dragged out in front of the others, and NPC2 will begin a rant and scream and yell and gibber. He'll try to fight the Boss in his insanity (despite having no weapons and being a pathetic person in general now) and immediately get struck down.

This is the cue for the player to fight the Boss, and when he wins the player will have a choice to make. Either destroy the base and NPC1 forever, or leave the base intact with NPC1 as the new more benevolent overlord. NPC1 will promise to not disturb the outer world and instead focus efforts inward, for the events to come. Whether he will keep his promises if the player leaves the base intact remains to be seen.