I may-or-may-not write a bit for the writing prompt. In any case, some reviews!
Hey bjlong, thanks very much for reading my writing and giving me such feedback, I really appreciate it - it's great to see another angle and it definitely opens up my own writing to me.
I thought, as soon as everybody in here tends to like fantasy, I would have a crack at this, for fun and practice - an opening to a story, based on the DF world.
Good to hear you got something from the critique! I never know if I'm being too harsh or not.
As for this story, it's got some interesting developments here! A bit unfinished, yes, but here's what I'm seeing: there is an excellent thrumming sort of build-up in the opening narration that comes to a head when the description of dwarves and goblins fighting ends so slammingly anticlimactically. The ending shows some promise, but ends up a bit out-of-nowhere, since it's not foreshadowed enough. In all, an excellent development of themes.
If you're willing to take a second look at this, then here's what I'd suggest: First, take the narrative comments by Grax back a bit--he should be fully engrossed in the story, or else we get pulled out, too. Only pull us back to show us something important. Second, emphasize the valor of the lashers. Make the reader feel like s/he wants to be in one of those squads him/herself, and show that it's important to Grax to do something in these squads. Third, even if you want to keep the dwarves incredibly amazing, give the warriors a fitting end--sure, plenty should die, but have the survivors be battle-hardened, even revered. Then we'd get Grax's inclination to steal babies much easier.
Overall, I think you've got an excellent start--almost reminds me of Beowulf. And that's a good thing.
Now, this is a different take on it than the humorous story, but I think the two are definitely compatible. I'm not sure of the specifics, but I'm sure you could find a way!
Disregard my earlier post, I think I have this somewhat presentable now. This isn't my published stuff, this is practice, and it's going to be ongoing. I am, however, not going to fix any of these up. I am putting more work into their writing from the outset rather than relying on drafts. Because, like I said, these are practice. Criticism, and comments are welcome. No blurb yet as I will leave that for later.
Good to hear you're dropping stuff to get critiqued! I'd recommend that you try revising at least once, say, for every three sections you write--50% of writing is revisions. The other 50% is also revisions. Just preemptive ones.
I have to say, you've got an interesting world going on here--and that hits me from the first paragraph, which is excellent. I see you've got an arc considered, and a protagonist who seems to be unique. I'm not quite sure about sympathetic, yet, which might be because I'm identifying with the players too much. But it seems like you've got all the basics in place for a solid story!
Now, here are some things I noticed: The action scene, while you give a definite sense of immediacy, seems to lack a sense of space--I lose track of where people are every now and then. If that's how it gets with the character, you might want to put a little tag to that effect in the prose. You're also telling this story in a disinterested prose, so the black humor that your character talks of occasionally falls flat--for instance, with the quip about the witch and her broom, you end up deflating the joke with your paragraphing and the following comments. If you'd like an opinion, I'd restructure it like so:
"...she wanted me to join her. I would have the honorable task to lead the forces protecting her from the players' inevitable raids in a glorious kamikaze that would save her.
I told her to go back to screwing with her broom.
I was banished.
It was both worth it and for the best. Two weeks later fifteen players got together, and lead an attack against her. The Sisters of the Ecumenical Gardens ceased to be."
I'm sure this could be tightened more, making the double-punchline crack like a whip, but you get the idea. Don't let me skim over the punchline!
Finally, you have quite a few wind-up sentences, where you're commenting on something that hasn't happened yet, or that just happened. Condense or cut these, and remember that in general, all sentences must do something, or else they are simply giving the reader time to get bored.
That said, none of these flaws are even close to damning--this sounds to me like a pretty good first draft of the first section of the story. Keep going!
Posted this on the MSPA forums, but didn't really get a lot of replies. So here it is here, for review.
That's an excellent little story! I'd definitely agree with the characterization issue, but the dark tone of the piece definitely shines through. I especially like how the characters we are indicated we should like in an existing story come off as horrific in your story--it's a nice touch.
Now, as for other things: I'd recommend that you give Lemonsnout a vent to his feelings, so that we don't get the feeling that this is just a bunch of stuff happening to a guy. Show him scared, angry, upset, shellshocked, whatever. Just show him reacting. I'd also recommend that you spend a little time discussing the particulars of each action, and, yes, give us more description. Right now, it's like you've thrown some paint on a canvas, blocked out some shapes, then called it a day. This might work for modern painting, but not for you. I need stuff to visualize, and in a highly visual world like MSPA, you have a ton to talk about. You could even make things up willy-nilly, practically without repercussion.
All in all, I'd add a lot more description, give Lemonsnout a voice, and call this little piece done.
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Topic: Bay12 Writers Guild (Read 58864 times)