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I'd like to become a professional writer in the next decade.

7 (29.2%)

Less than videogames.

6 (25%)

I am a professional writer.

3 (12.5%)

More than my health.

2 (8.3%)

I'm not sure.

5 (20.8%)

More than videogames.

0 (0%)

Not at all.

1 (4.2%)

Total Members Voted: 24

Voting closed: April 23, 2012, 11:42:36 pm

[bjlong]

I'm back to punch babies, poison wells, burn down family homes, and write ruthless critiques!

mendonca, I read your piece, and the writing definitely strikes me as good. This is both good and bad--your writing is good enough that it doesn't get in the way of the story, and, on top of that, makes some interesting little connections. On the other hand, it's definitely playing safe in this piece. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you definitely have some room to try something a little more esoteric in the piece. Take heart, though! There are definitely bright spots, like the huge donkey-thing or the description of the bar. You've got some skills, you just need to throw them at the piece in places.

As said before, the guy in the red car and the man are confusing monikers. It's probably better to just give your character a name and call him that. But if you're able to make it work, more power to you.

If I can pick one thing to harp on, though, it's that the first bit of the story doesn't hook enough. Generally, when I read the first page of a story, I'm going to be looking to get a taste of what the plot is, what sort of things to expect. Here I'm not seeing any sort of obstacles besides the man's own grief, and no goals save to get over the grief.

(Here I have to put a big disclaimer that I might not be one to talk, because I don't like this sort of fiction.)

But this in general doesn't do it for me. Having an entirely interior plot is very, very, very, very difficult to pull off, and I speak from experience here. Generally, the way to do it is to mate the interior issues with exterior obstacles, and give the protagonist something s/he must do. I'm not saying you can't pull it off, but I'm also saying an obsession with a wife that ran away might be more interesting if the man does something to try to find her, has all these crazy encounters, and then does meet the wife in a cathartic ending, or something like that. Might catch John Q Public's attention more. But the thing is, you have to tell me that there's going to be plot, it's going to be interesting, and do it subtly in the first bit of text. As it is now, I have to really connect some pieces to find a plot.

However, I do like your description of the world. It seems like a small-townish feel, in the almost-quaint way that spread-out cities often do. You called up like a thousand images from me driving on back roads, so you're definitely on the right track there. The little encounters definitely are building to a image of this guy as a generally good guy who somehow lost his wife, and we're not sure how. The fretting over little details, this helps ground the story in what limited experience I've had. In short, I'm saying that this is a solid piece, and you're definitely headed in a good direction.

What else can I say? You can tighten up some spots of the writing, such as the car-line, sure, but these aren't big issues. Go through, edit the writing, consider your plot carefully, and drop some hooks in there, and you'll have a great start to the rest of your piece.



In other news, I have something up in the library, which perhaps should get a blurb. Do I do that here, or release the blurb to the aether of space-time, and let the future time travelers retroactively change the description? Or possibly PM it to Supermikhail?

[Supermikhail]

Really, whichever way you like, bjlong, but if you go radio, you'll still need to use other methods to tell me the frequency and time.
I'd prefer you posted it here (one more bump to the thread, and it might attract additional attention to your story).

[bjlong]

Ok, so here's a back-cover blurb:

Peace's in Loda, thank the gods. Sure, the Hdal below us are muscling their way in, but it'll be a time afore they can declare war. The Proconcella, bless her heart, doesn't seem to want war any more. Sure, we know it's coming. Hell, Sir Renolds, the Protectorate, is leaning on some of his nobles to come up with some troops. You know how it is with them nobles. That ain't what concerns me.

Yeah, there's Garadesh's men, sure. He keeps pumping in the whores around here, takin' hard liquor and opiates up north, to the bigger cities. They'll cut your head off soon as blink, sure, but they ain't stupid--you're only in danger if you get in their way. They ain't what concerns me.

Huh? The circus? Well, I never heard of a problem from the circus. Ain't been, neither, but they seem fine enough. A little odd, maybe, but they mean well--keep sayin' somethin' about peace. They definitely ain't what concerns me.

What concerns me is the mercenaries down the road--you know, Nine Swords Tavern? Yeah, only really five of them to speak, but the name's stuck. They're out of work, and they got the look of desperate men. You know the type--hungry for somethin', lookin' ta make money 'cause they're goin' under. This peace ain't good for their business, no sir, an' they're dangerous men. You ask me, I think we oughta watch them real close. Stick 'em under a glass, like, cause they might just take down half the town when they get too desperate.



After I get through quite a bit more drafting, I'll post a longer sample than the one linked and look for readers to help me edit the thing. The genre is definitely a low fantasy epic, set in something half-Arabian, half-Southern US, and will be novel-length, so if you're interested, keep it on the radar!

[Supermikhail]

That's a good long blurb, at least by hereabouts' standards. And I'm getting "The Expendables" vibe out of it, in the good sense, whatever good that film had in it.

[bjlong]

Yeah, I figured it was a bit long. Don't know about The Expendables, I've not seen it.

[Supermikhail]

It's a movie about action-movie heroes. And global terrorism and government conspiracies. Well, not about, but has themes. And a dumb movie.

The part that I'm getting as vibe is high-action movie. I consider it a given with such a blurb, actually.

[Fishbreath]

No amount of planning is ever enough. But if you don't start then no amount of planning is going to give you a finished piece of work.

Something I saw today. It seemed to be worth sharing.

EDIT: In other news, I don't have too much to do for the next few hours, so I do believe I'm going to be browsing some of the library and/or recently posted stuff in the thread and saying what I think (for whatever my opinion is worth).

[Willfor]

Yet another quote to reinforce my notion that moderation is best in anything.


I have 744 words so far in this new thingy ( I hope you're happy, Supermikhail ) and I would have more if life wasn't a constant interruption. And yes, I have read everything about setting times for writing if I want to get it done. BITE ME. Life has been hectic (more so than usual) for me over the past few days. Time hasn't been my only enemy as I am already getting the feeling that I shouldn't even bother showing it: It's not a true show of my writing capabilities, it never will be, and I don't feel like getting criticism from it.

I feel like a guy telling a room full of art critics that I am halfway done drawing my family in crayon on a piece of construction paper. YEAH GUYS, GET EXCITED ABOUT THIS BIG PILE OF CRAP.

[Fishbreath]

Some writing from earlier this week, cross-posted from Many Words (and unrelated to the main story) to avoid artificially inflating my hit count.

Spoiler: Untitled (click to show/hide)

NPAS Warspite and NPAS Hermes drifted along in what any halfway competent astrogator would have refused to call orbit above Jason, the largest moon of Threshold VI, which itself was locally known as Argo. Both ships showed signs of battle.

They'd got the better end of it, though, thought Ship Commander Charles Weatherby of Warspite. Their opponent, the Exile Fleet heavy cruiser Vengeance, which had struck her colors five minutes before, wouldn't last in Jason's orbit for more than one or two more revolutions; after that she'd most likely fall into Argo, and if Weatherby or Lassiter aboard Hermes couldn't get a prize crew to her and get her maneuvering before then, they'd have to deal with lifeboats, too.

Weatherby had more pressing issues, though. Warspite was in a bad way. She was a point-defense cruiser, built to support fleet actions, limited in armament useful against large ships, and hardly a match for another vessel of her size on the best of days. Vengeance was bigger, and only a handful of Confederate cruisers were capable of taking ships of her class in single combat in any case. It was a good thing Hermes had been close at hand when Weatherby's deck officer called out the contact. Her centerline kinetic had been the deciding factor, even if the rest of her armament had been as ineffective as Warspite's.

Weatherby kicked off a bulkhead and floated into the patrol bridge, near the ship's bow. Miraculously, it hadn't taken any serious hits—CIC, amidships and centerline, hadn't been nearly as lucky—most of the screens still worked, showing test patterns or no-signal status indicators. A pair of engineering warrants were splicing test gear into the cabling leading to them. Four officers were waiting for Weatherby. They were Ship Subcommander Athelney Jones, who'd been running damage control during the battle, and Warspite's senior lieutenants, Callamy from engineering, Leighton from gunnery, and Rawlings from navigation.

"Well, gentlemen," said Weatherby, catching himself on a console and a toehold, "where are we?"

"Nowhere we'd like to be, sir," Jones said. "Seventy-one men dead or dying, including Mr. Tillis and Mr. Bullington. Another hundred and twenty-four out of commission for the near future." He looked grim. "We'll not be fighting until we can come up with more of a crew, sir, or at least we'll not be fighting well."

Weatherby nodded. It was a serious blow; Warspite's complement was at two-thirds strength, and the loss of two senior petty officers wouldn't do anything good for morale. "Engineering," he said. "When will I have my ship back?"

"Not fully until we refit," Callamy said, in his typical soft Highland brogue. "You've maneuvering control in all three axes right now, captain, but it's not fast. I havna had time to see what I can put together from the rest of the thrusters. Of the mains, we'll not be using one, three, or four again. The rest are coming along. In another half an hour we may be able to answer a slow bell."

Weatherby looked to Leighton. "Better news, sir," the lieutenant said. "The primary point defense computer survived. We have twenty-eight working masers and thirty-one point defense guns which can still put munitions downrange. We can fire from one missile tube now—maybe another later once we steal parts from the others—and two of the autocannon. Ammunition may be a problem. We took a hit to the number three magazine."

It was something less than half of Warspite's normal armament, but enough to protect herself and Hermes on the way back to the nearest Naval Arm installation, supposing they were able to avoid any foes of Vengeance's caliber.

That left Rawlings. "We have a working radar set. We'll have to see about the infrared, but Callamy's boys have more important matters on their hands. The message laser is at your disposal. We've been signaling Hermes, but there's been no response."

"What about the flight deck? Can we get a boat over to Hermes?" asked Weatherby.

"No sir, unless we cut the doors away."

"Is there a reason not to?"

"We havna yet pressure-tested the adjacent compartments, sir." Callamy grimaced at the captain's look. "We lost containment on the number three engine, captain, and she melted a hole in the pressure hull. I'm working wi' half a crew, man, in a compartment that's halfway open to space. You canna expect miracles."

"We're rather going to need some," Weatherby said. "Rawlings. Is Vengeance responding to signals? Good. My regards to her captain, and tell him to launch lifeboats while they still have the delta-v to match courses. Vengeance is a loss." His officers took the news well, considering they'd all just lost a small fortune in prize money. "Callamy, I want those flight deck doors open in no more than thirty minutes. Engines are your second priority. I want a one-third bell in ninety minutes. Leighton, am I to assume that the number three magazine is open to space?"

"Yes, sir."

"Round up as many sailors as you can find and get that hole sealed. Cut from the interior bulkheads if you run out of patches. Gentlemen, I want Warspite and Hermes underway toward safety in two hours. The enemy knows we're here, and we're in no shape for another fight. To your tasks."

[Supermikhail]

My compliments to the chef, sir. Your excellent après-bataille has had my appetite whetted for new entrées. I'll be visiting frequently.

Seriously, Fishbreath, you should consider moving Anja and the others into space, or I don't know. Very nice scene... Although the first paragraph had me confused. I didn't know what "Both ships showed signs of battle" meant, as in "huge explosions of an ongoing battle" or, as it turned out later "gaping holes in the carcasses barely under control of their captains".

@Willfor: Wow, there's something bad going on here if a writer is refusing to have critique on his new story. What if I promise to make it absolutely constructive?

Well, about two years ago I had a period when I saw my writing so miserable and unsalvageable that I swore I wouldn't show it to anyone and write for myself because I wanted to. Well, I don't know how much good it did for me - what set the current situation in motion was my reintroduction to a writer that clicked with my psyche, I guess, Philip Dick, and that's how I was able to start writing again. But what I realize now is that in the time of crisis I didn't have the best critic - he was experiencing a crisis of his own, but with real life, almost raged at my writing, - and I probably had too high ambitions - every idea I had I wanted to develop into a huge epic novel. So...

Don't you lose it on me, ya hear me! Don't deny yourself nice critics like us , and don't worry about length.

P.S. About setting time aside.

There is a book, Screenwriters' Masterclass, so there professional screenwriters talk about their work, and you know, one or two say that they've got regular schedule, other write almost as inspiration comes to them - one has an idea and then sits from dawn till dusk for 2 days writing it down (his stories are all almost documentaries), other mucks about all day and only in the evening finds release from procrastination; his brother writes from 9 till 2 every day.

So, basically, write when you can, no one's going to bite you. Thinking about time is procrastination in itself.

[Grakelin]

Howdy, folks. I've started writing a bit of a sci-fi adventure romp. My first few stories are going up as more of an introduction to setting and some of the characters moreso than starting on the principle plotline. Let me know what you guys think!

Here's the thread.

I'm open to critique and suggestions!

[silverskull39]

Posting a short story I'm kind of happy with, at least happy enough to subject it to critique, and to keep track of the thread. I'm not really sure how to describe it, but.. well... here it is, anyway.

Edit:Taken down to be reworked and submitted to a magazine. I'll post details if/when it's accepted/published.

[Dwarf]

I thought it was really good. I'm a bad critic, though.

[Fishbreath]

I'm a harsher critic, and I still thought that was really good. Take it down from here, find someone you trust to edit, and sell it to a magazine is my advice; I'd certainly say that's among the better fantasy I've read of late.

[Supermikhail]

@ silverskull39: I don't know which kind of critic I am, I'm going to say it's good, although I am not a fan of such "big" endings. While you're searching for someone you trust (I was afraid it would be taken down before I can read it), some advice and critique:

I think the story could bear some sectioning - just a couple of asterisks in the middle, because it kind of loses momentum going on the same wind.

Then, there is a section in the middle where I strongly suspect tense shift, but expect Fishbreath to disagree with me.

And, a couple of words feel kind of anachronistic, relative to the narrative.

Anyway, these are points for debate.

@Grakelin: Jesus Christ, where have you been hiding until now, guys? Three killers in a row on my head!

That's definitely better than the last entry, good characterization, dialogue, action... and I'm going to confess to you - I love expertly thrown in terms of a field I understand nothing in, like cards. I honestly don't have any critique to give.