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[andrian]

Notice to all mercenaries:

While your offers to assist in defending our fortress from invaders are appreciated, our military has a strict policy regarding uniforms. Our uniforms currently only come in sizes appropriate for dwarves, and as such, all militia applicants must be able to comfortably wear dwarf-sized uniforms. All others will be rejected. Exceptions will not be made on the grounds that our fortress is capable of producing appropriately-sized uniforms, due to the increased workload this would place on the manager and overseer. If you are unable to join our militia due to your nonstandard height, you may still apply for citizenship through our performing arts or exchange student programs. Please, if you are unable to wear clothing sized for dwarves, do not petition the mayor for a position within the fortress, as this will merely waste everyone's time.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Led Tulonzeg, Militia Commander

[Sanctume]

Dear Urist McGatherer,

I realise that you weren't keen on military service.  That's why you always skipped the training sessions to go out gathering plants.  And, to be honest, I was happy to have the plant variety for the still and kitchen.  But, do you think you might have found it within you to use that silver battle axe your were carrying on the kobold that stole the step ladder right out from under you?  It is regrettable that you will not have the opportunity to learn from your mistake as you comically hung in midair for a month while my attention was on piercing the aquifer.  Imagine the surprise of your fellow dwarf, who upon discovering your levitating dead carcass, somehow caused it to crash to the earth.  From now on, you will be known a Schrodinger's Dwarf.

Side note:  I assume it's a slightly amusing bug. I got notified that a kobold stole a step ladder.  I didn't think much of it until I noticed a dwarf at the top of a step ladder, dying of thirst.   I couldn't figure out why he didn't just climb down (and no, there were no trees around).  I send someone to build a staircase next to the step ladder.  As soon as the builder showed up, the stepladder vanished and the dead dwarf plummeted to the ground.

The recent LNP had a purple text that So-n-so is stuck in a tree.  Kinda neat and annoying.

[andrian]

Dear Urist McFoodCritic,

I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.

Sincerely,
The Mayor

*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*

[Derpy Dev]

Dear Urist McFoodCritic,

I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.

Sincerely,
The Mayor

*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*

I'm just imagining how much the chefs want to punch this jerk in the face.

[Baffler]

Dear Urist McFoodCritic,

I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.

Sincerely,
The Mayor

*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*

Dear Mayor,
We find that, yes, the meals prepared by you and your subordinates are indeed delicious! However we the workers, much like yourselves, are contractually obligated to see to our duties first. Our rest periods are the only time available to us to eat, drink, sleep, pray, read, and socialize; as such we will tend to go through the necessary motions as quickly as possible. Whatever food is closest when we decide to go eat is what we'll get. We don't have time for anything else in busy times, and the habit persists even among the most idle dwarves so they're ready if their workload increases again. We'll grab the prepared foods most of the time, but if you really want to keep workers out of the larder the best thing to do would be to set out meals closer to the work areas from a central kitchen, or to restrict access to the room where raw ingredients are stored to kitchen staff only. We hope to work with you on this, and improve conditions for both of us.

On Behalf of Those Concerned,
The Manager

[andrian]

Dear Urist McFoodCritic,

I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.

Sincerely,
The Mayor

*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*

Dear Mayor,
We find that, yes, the meals prepared by you and your subordinates are indeed delicious! However we the workers, much like yourselves, are contractually obligated to see to our duties first. Our rest periods are the only time available to us to eat, drink, sleep, pray, read, and socialize; as such we will tend to go through the necessary motions as quickly as possible. Whatever food is closest when we decide to go eat is what we'll get. We don't have time for anything else in busy times, and the habit persists even among the most idle dwarves so they're ready if their workload increases again. We'll grab the prepared foods most of the time, but if you really want to keep workers out of the larder the best thing to do would be to set out meals closer to the work areas from a central kitchen, or to restrict access to the room where raw ingredients are stored to kitchen staff only. We hope to work with you on this, and improve conditions for both of us.

On Behalf of Those Concerned,
The Manager

Dear Manager,

It has come to my attention that you and many other dwarves, including Urist McFoodCritic, to whom my original letter was posted, have been traveling great distances out of their way to avoid eating prepared meals. This seems to have little effect on the enjoyment of the food, however, as demonstrated by Urist McFoodCritic's refusal to find any food of any type desirable. As Urist McFoodCritic's only flavor preference is for pearl millet beer, and as Urist McFoodCritic refuses to eat prepared meals containing that ingredient, despite such meals almost always being closer in proximity to him than the raw ingredients upon which he dines, it is his own fault for not enjoying the food.

Furthermore, the cooks report that even citizens with preferences for actual food complain about eating their masterpieces unless said masterpiece contains their favorite ingredient. I understand that it can be hard to go without one's favorite foods for a long time. I, myself, have been craving slug meat for many seasons now. However, we should at least make an effort to appreciate the hard work our cooks put into preparing our meals.

With Regards,
The Mayor



Dear Hunters,

While your efforts to feed the fortress by killing large game are commendable, could you possibly spare some of your time to collect slugs? I find their meat delicious, and I have been unable to dine upon them since coming here from the Mountainhomes. I know Urist McButcher claims he is unable to get usable meat from slugs, but these protests clearly stem more from laziness than from actual inability. Slugs are my favorite food, and how could that be if slugs cannot be butchered?

Also, please do not allow the cooks to prepare any slugs you manage to collect, as I will have difficulty identifying meals containing slugs. All prepared meals look the same to me, due to the fact that our cooks' only means of preparing food is mincing it into such tiny pieces that the original ingredients are unrecognizable. Their ability to do this with booze and milk is, however, miraculous, and our scholars are still attempting to understand how our kitchen knives are able to cut liquids. Anyway, I seem to have gotten off-topic. Please go get me some slugs!

Cordially,
The Mayor

EDIT:

To whoever spilled prickle berry wine in the area that is soon to become our new tree farm:

Well done! I had not considered christening our new grove with an offering of wine, but this is a nice touch, and a good way to start things off. Here's to hopefully being able to stay ahead of our carpenters and wood burners in the years to come! Also, due to the fact that homeopathic dilution is a law of nature, when we restore the water to our dry riverbed, the entire river, and eventually the ocean, will be ever-so-slightly alcoholic. Thank you for making the world a slightly boozier place.

Sincerely,
The Mayor

[Fleeting Frames]

Heh. On that note, if you make an alcoholic well, the dwarves drinking from it will get happy thought due inebriation, lesser bad thought due drinking dirty water - but alas, this does not state their alcohol dependence.

[Pirate Santa]

Dear Irami Chantsnarls the Sculptures of Perfection,

Why must you have so many teeth? I get being a hydra means a lot of heads but seriously, why so many teeth? And why are they so loosely attached? As soon as the militia got a hold of you it turned into a teeth flinging free-for-all. I've got teeth on the ground, in trees, in fences, I even found a tooth lodged in some fortifications 7 levels up and 12 tiles northwest of where the militia dog-piled you. Thanks for leaving me with this enormous mess to clean up you dick.
Also the lead statue of you I commissioned for the victory garden says that you were the only one of your kind, can't say I'm disappointed by this.

Sincerely,
Tometowers Upper Management.

[Unhacker]

Dear Dwarves of the Crown of Hope

For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.

Signed, Your Most Omniscient Overlord.

P.S. If you could also build those weapons that I ordered like a month ago, that'd be great.

[escondida]

For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.

Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,

We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.

- Your faithful builders

P.S. If you could also build those weapons that I ordered like a month ago, that'd be great.

Oh, I didn't realize you wanted those jobs done (n)ow! You might visit the workshop where you queued the orders in order to put the official "do it (n)ow" stamp on them.

- Your harried weaponsmith

[andrian]

Memorandum to all dwarves:

I get it. Nobody wants to remember the precise events that led up to their friend's death. However, this does not make it okay to immediately throw all records of combat involving the deceased into the volcano. Despite popular belief, I am neither omniscient nor omnipresent, and as such I do not always know the cause of someone's death. If you see someone die, please leave their combat records intact so that I can discover who or what caused their demise, thereby preventing future deaths of a similar type and possibly allowing me to seek revenge upon whatever or whoever killed them.

With regards,
Your frustrated Overlord

P.S. Would someone please make a casket for our recently-deceased expedition leader? I know he died very close to our carpenter's workshop, which is upsetting for everyone, but we must be brave and press on without him.

EDIT:

To All Dwarves:

Your feats of engineering are truly legendary. I had never even considered the possibility that you might be able to construct levitating cage traps. I realize that you did so due to a miscommunication between us, and I am sorry for the many cave-ins that resulted from my error. However, I would like to point out that this innovation of yours makes the cage traps virtually useless, as they can no longer be emptied or reset. In the future, please do not attempt to remove constructed floors from beneath other buildings.

Sincerely,

Your Befuddled, Yet Also Impressed Overlord.

[Unhacker]

For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.

Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,

We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.

- Your faithful builders

P.S. If you could also build those weapons that I ordered like a month ago, that'd be great.

Oh, I didn't realize you wanted those jobs done (n)ow! You might visit the workshop where you queued the orders in order to put the official "do it (n)ow" stamp on them.

- Your harried weaponsmith

To my faithful builders.
The stones are right next to the bloody construction area and I made sure that they were the same kind of stones, I can't make this shit easier for you, its like a two second walk from the blocks to the construction site.

To my weaponsmith
Hows it going, I'm doing well, do you like your friends, your booze, etc. Then move faster, I have a fuckhuge stockpile of iron and wood across the hallway, its like a 30 second walk at most. I even relived you from hauling duties so that you could work faster.

-Signed Unhacker, your most annoyed overlord.

PS If anyone can figure out where the hell that wardog went that'd be wonderful because I need a warning system for when the ogre comes around.

[JStheguy]

Dear Urist McMiner, Urist McExcavator, Urist McDigger, and so on,

Would you all please stop trashing your work orders and then yelling at me just because you've "found damp stone"? Of course you're finding damp stone, you're digging out chambers underneath the waterworks! Now knock it off and get back to digging, there is absolutely zero risk of flooding as long as your actually following your orders properly.

Sincerely,
Your Overseer

[escondida]

For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.

Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,

We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.

To my faithful builders.
The stones are right next to the bloody construction area and I made sure that they were the same kind of stones, I can't make this shit easier for you, its like a two second walk from the blocks to the construction site.

Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,

See, that's the problem. We *can*, technically, build walls from raw boulders, but it's very, very slow going--both to drag the boulders to the site and to build the wall once there--and the resulting walls are eminently climbable by our enemies. Fortunately, if you'll allow us to create blocks at a mason's workshop, perhaps by assigning multiple unskilled dwarves masonry and allowing them to use only the masons' shops you intend for blockmaking, we can build much, much faster, and the end result will be much, much better!

Sincerely,
Your dorfs

[Unhacker]

For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.

Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,

We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.

To my faithful builders.
The stones are right next to the bloody construction area and I made sure that they were the same kind of stones, I can't make this shit easier for you, its like a two second walk from the blocks to the construction site.

Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,

See, that's the problem. We *can*, technically, build walls from raw boulders, but it's very, very slow going--both to drag the boulders to the site and to build the wall once there--and the resulting walls are eminently climbable by our enemies. Fortunately, if you'll allow us to create blocks at a mason's workshop, perhaps by assigning multiple unskilled dwarves masonry and allowing them to use only the masons' shops you intend for blockmaking, we can build much, much faster, and the end result will be much, much better!

Sincerely,
Your dorfs

Dear dorfs,

I would put such plans into action and I would also point out that the stockpile, building location and the workshops are in the same floor as well as the fact that all of you have masonry enabled. But unfortunately, I'm a massive idiot and I *accidentally* deleted your save file.

Regards, Armok

PS. I didn't care how good the wall was, you were blocking an underground tunnel with only 1 Z-Level, I don't care if it is climbable, this is only a temporary solution until you lot can actually be trained in the art of not dying.