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[Demonic Gophers]

Dear militia captain Nyllo,

I understand from you profile that you are distracted after being unable to practice a martial art.  This is also the case for your three squad mates.  Your squad is currently assigned to train.  All of you are standing around the squad's armor stand, carrying out individual combat drills, which do not seem to be satisfying your emotional needs.  You are not only allowed to practice a martial art, or encouraged to do so - you have been explicitly ordered to!  I'm not sure what more I can do to help you fulfill your need for combat practice, especially given the current absence of invaders, mildly troublesome wildlife, or elves.  Perhaps, instead of wasting time in useless individual combat drills, you could organize a couple of sparring matches, or a weapon demonstration to share your talented mace skill?  However, I know of no way to MAKE you do so.  All I can do is give you and your squad the opportunity.

P.S.  You also appear to be distracted by unfilled religious inclinations.  You were recently off duty while the temple of all gods was active, for this precise reason.  I would be interested to know why you did not pray to ANY of the many gods you worship during that period.  What, exactly, are you doing with your time?  I would prefer not to purge all traces of religious belief from future iterations of your civilization, but I will do it if your species cannot be persuaded to satisfy the need to pray with a reasonable degree of encouragement and opportunity.  I can still design shrines to the appropriate gods, even if the qarryn do not actually believe in them.

[anewaname]

Dear militia captain Nyllo,

I understand from you profile that you are distracted after being unable to practice a martial art.  This is also the case for your three squad mates....

Do these guys have partially-equipped uniforms, where they are not wearing some of their items even though the item is available?

[Eater of Vermin]

Dearly departed (or soon to be)

Yes, I know vultures are scary.  But can't you get it through your thick skulls that fleeing to the top of the nearest tree just puts them even closer to you?

And if you must climb a tree, why don't you climb one of the many, many trees that have already had scaffolding built for access to get down again without my intervention?

Now, every last one of you is up a tree and there is no-one on the ground to build more scaffolding.  Admittedly, I can divinely teleport one of you down, but I'm having a season or three off. Here, have a couple of half full buckets of water and a few of the masterwork prepared meals that no-one has bothered touching since day one.

Have a nice afterlife, don't bother praying: you'll just get my answering service.

- Armok.

[TheVulture]

Dear migrants

I'm aware you came here to Rocksfight searching for a new beginning, but please, stop coming faster than i can produce rooms, food and drinks for you, and no, we don't need more fishers thank you.

Yours truly
God

[Naryar]

Dear farmer,

You seemed to ignore burrow orders unlike everyone else when a siege came. I know the sun was painful and you were vomiting at the moment, but none of the other dwarves did so.

So in order to save your sorry ass (you are after all a rather good herbalist), I drafted you into a "capitain of the guard" position temporarily, ordered you to move, and then immediately got you out of that position.

You didn't need to go beat up a soldier and one of the best masons for perceived "violation of production order", and put them both in the hospital.

I need those soldiers a bit more than I need you. If I see any other stupidity from you, your room and valuables will be confiscated and you will sleep on hard rock.

Sincerely,

A frustrated fortress overseer.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McExMiner,

I know you liked digging and you're sulking because I gave your pick to an otherwise useless immigrant, but you're the only furnace operator and smith we brought with us.
You do not have 'no job.' You have furnaces and a smithy to build. Stop slacking.


Re: Urist McEVERYBODY.
After putting out an all-dwarves notice to let you burn and smelt stuff, you're all still keeping a wide berth from the waiting construction.
Nothing is forbidden, you're all walking right past them to pick up rocks, there are plenty of you ignoring work altogether.
You're dwarves. What do you have against furnaces and smelters? Get working.

[comicraider]

Dear outpost liaison and dwarven caravans;

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU. IT'S BEEN SIX YEARS. I KNOW YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, I CHECKED.

Yours, overlord of a 200+ strong yet count/duke/baron/monarch-less metropolis that's got millions of dwarfbucks worth of shit that's mean to be offered to the Mountainhome and is running out of space to put things.

[escondida]

Dear Urist McExMiner,

I know you liked digging and you're sulking because I gave your pick to an otherwise useless immigrant, but you're the only furnace operator and smith we brought with us.
You do not have 'no job.' You have furnaces and a smithy to build. Stop slacking.


Re: Urist McEVERYBODY.
After putting out an all-dwarves notice to let you burn and smelt stuff, you're all still keeping a wide berth from the waiting construction.
Nothing is forbidden, you're all walking right past them to pick up rocks, there are plenty of you ignoring work altogether.
You're dwarves. What do you have against furnaces and smelters? Get working.

Dear Overseer McMachina,

On behalf of the Guild of Furnace Operators, I'd like to point out that our contract specifically states that it is the responsibility of the Guild of Architects to design our smelters and the Guild of Masons to construct or deconstruct them. We'd love to get to work, but it simply isn't our job to build the building itself.

Yours,
Urist McGuild Rep

[VolcanoQueen]

Dear giant keas and bluejays,

Why the heck do you need to be so annoying? What did my dorfs ever do to you? Nothing! There is no need for you to spam me with announcements saying "Urist McExample cancels whatever: Interrupted by giant kea/bluejay". Freaking stop it already. Thanks.

Sincerely, the overseer of this random fort

EDIT: You stole a pick. Prepare to die.


Dear Urists,

When I drafted you all into the military as marksdwarves to fight that werewarthog, I expected you to shoot at it with your crossbows, not try to wrestle it into submission and get repeatedly bitten in the face. I now have to lock most of you up, including the commander, to make sure none of you turn and infect the rest of the fort. Plus, the hospital is nowhere near finished yet, so the horrible wounds that those of you who survived now have will have to wait. You will probably get infected and die. Please use common sense next time.

Sincerely, a very disappointed overseer

EDIT (AGAIN): Damn it, you guys turned into werewarthogs before I could finish your cells. I hate everything.

[Thisfox]

Dear Aquifer--

Where the sodding hell are you? I finally made a successful, interesting, active fort, and I cannot find the aquifer I ordered on the top left corner of my map. There is no water topside, a forgotten beast war (no less than five so far) has happened in the only wet cavern, I've got an injured armourer dying of dehydration in the hospital, and I cannot turn the tap on. Where the hell am I meant to drill for water?

--Overseer.

[scourge728]

Dear Urists,

When I drafted you all into the military as marksdwarves to fight that werewarthog, I expected you to shoot at it with your crossbows, not try to wrestle it into submission and get repeatedly bitten in the face. I now have to lock most of you up, including the commander, to make sure none of you turn and infect the rest of the fort. Plus, the hospital is nowhere near finished yet, so the horrible wounds that those of you who survived now have will have to wait. You will probably get infected and die. Please use common sense next time.

Sincerely, a very disappointed overseer

EDIT (AGAIN): Damn it, you guys turned into werewarthogs before I could finish your cells. I hate everything.

Looks like you've been visited by the !!Funhog!!

[comicraider]

Dear Mountainhome/Outpost Liaison/King/Whoever,

Cool, the liaison finally turned up, but we've sent back a solid 50,000+ uristcoins worth of shite as offerings since the fortress was founded seven years ago, a good 50% of which was sent off last year when you graced us with your prescence for the first time in almost a decade, we have a higher population than any other Dwarven territory and not to mention enough adamantine to equip the entire army without making a dent; can I PLEASE pick a baron now?

Yours,
All the royal accomodations I spent months digging out, decorating and generally pimping out that are sitting empty because you don't deem us worthy Overseer of Skinnedseals.

[KittyTac]

Technically adv mode, but still...

Dear zombies,

Could you please stop gibbing my enemies' heads, this is like the sixth camp completely sacked with no gain.

~~KittyTac's latest dorf necromancer.

[mikekchar]

Dear Urist McGatherer,

I realise that you weren't keen on military service.  That's why you always skipped the training sessions to go out gathering plants.  And, to be honest, I was happy to have the plant variety for the still and kitchen.  But, do you think you might have found it within you to use that silver battle axe your were carrying on the kobold that stole the step ladder right out from under you?  It is regrettable that you will not have the opportunity to learn from your mistake as you comically hung in midair for a month while my attention was on piercing the aquifer.  Imagine the surprise of your fellow dwarf, who upon discovering your levitating dead carcass, somehow caused it to crash to the earth.  From now on, you will be known a Schrodinger's Dwarf.

Side note:  I assume it's a slightly amusing bug. I got notified that a kobold stole a step ladder.  I didn't think much of it until I noticed a dwarf at the top of a step ladder, dying of thirst.   I couldn't figure out why he didn't just climb down (and no, there were no trees around).  I send someone to build a staircase next to the step ladder.  As soon as the builder showed up, the stepladder vanished and the dead dwarf plummeted to the ground.

[VolcanoQueen]

Dear Urist McWoodcutter,

Yes, I know that we don't have any wood to build things with. You are a woodcutter. Our shortage of wood to make barrels and crafts out of is entirely your fault because you refuse to do your job. When merchants eventually arrive, if we don't have enough useless crafts to trade, then I am blaming you for whatever happens when I am unable to get the supplies that we need. In short, please do your job.

Sincerely,
The Overseer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear trio of kobolds who have randomly appeared out of thin air twice now,

Thank you for not stealing anything on your regular trips past my fortress, despite there being a decent amount of random supplies just laying on the ground near where you usually appear. However, please know that if you do intend to steal anything in the future (especially anything valuable), I will send my (hopefully not useless) military to kill all three of you. You are welcome to be near the fortress, just don't. Touch. ANYTHING. You have been warned. Have a lovely day.

Sincerely,
The Overseer