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[Keaman]

Dear HumanBard McLongDevil,

Why do you and your other bard friends keep trying to walk past the giant forgotten beast dinosaur to eat a food?  The only reason that gate is open is so we can lure the dinosaur into a trap; not so that you can go have a picnic.  I could be wrong but I am pretty sure I never put a dining room in the caverns.  Please stop ASAP; every one of you that dies is generating more hauling jobs and thus more innocent casualties.

Signed,

Your Loving Overseer

[ForestDump]

Dear fisherdwarves, when goblins are shooting arrows at you, it's time to stop fishing.

[Eric Blank]

Dear urists

Everything is on fire.

Please try not to walk into patches of vegetation where fire is about to spread to.

Please evacuate to the nearest fire safety designated zone.

Please stop spamming complaints about not being able to drop off items that are outside these zones. That's not important at the moment.

Sincerely, upper management.

[Fish Preferred]

Dear goblin babysnatchers:
I know we've had our differences in the past -I cannot atone for the hundreds of soldiers slain and dismembered in a multitude of humerous ways at my command- but, seriously, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? It's been fifteen years since this settlement was founded, the babies have been booming like crundles, and I have yet to see a single one of you clods or find any evidence of your handiwork. Why? Is it because of the Grizzly Corridor of Horror? Or the grindgore device? Or the pulper? Because I can just turn those off for you. Honest.
Okay, maybe not the pulper, but you can just avoid that route anyway.

 Sincerely, Your (Most?) Hated Enemy.

Dear Asob Pulleyshocks:
Stop puking on the vegetable pile. Yes, I know you can't help if you're nauseated by the sun, but you do not need to puke on the vegetable pile. We have plenty of dark and abyssal living quarters for you to play in. Stop exposing yourself to the blazing summer sun every time you want to play with a toy hammer. At the very least you should be capable of moving into the shade (or, you know, off the vegetable pile) before the uncontrollable retching starts. I've been quite lenient with your behaviour since your mother was driven insane by having nothing to do and being too busy doing nothing to see you, but if this behaviour continues you may just find your bedroom occupying the same space as the grindgore tracks.

 Sincerely, Your Beloved Ruler.

Dear Unes Bucksoak the Lush Crab (Hill Titan):
While I was initially rather amused by your decision to fly directly into the underground garbage dump (i.e. mass grave for suicidal idiots and cow parts), your refusal to leave, either to face my firing squad or indeed even to stop an undefended bricklayer from sealing you in, has become something of an issue. You see, without a centralized location for the storage of idiot remains (and cow parts), most of these articles have simply been flung off a high bridge onto the farming village below. As you can probably imagine, the property value has since declined considerably. I am therefore currently in the process of plotting your untimely demise and would like to know what times work for you?

 Sincerely, A Friend.

[NeoSilverThorn]

Dear Urist McWhatwereyouthinking:

I understand coffins were at something of a premium when the jewel setter went berserk.  While sad, he died well after the first couple coffins were made and one was promptly set in the designated burial area.  Please remove the corpse from the corpse stockpile and place him in one of the coffins.  Now, before our horrified hunters scatter all the game and we starve.

Irately yours,
The Overseer

(Dictated but not read)

[Pirate Santa]

Dear Keas,
I have had it with your Armokdamned bullshit, my formerly perfectly happy dwarves are suffering from tantrums and depression thanks to you.
From now on all keas who get within range of my settlement will be exterminated with black magic. A dozen of your brethren have already learned this final lesson.
You have been warned.

Sincerely,
Reality warping Overseer.

Dear Urist McSpearmaster,
I'd ask that next time you are driven to tantrum you refrain from picking fights with your fellow spearmasters while you're all in full uniform. But there will be no next time. You are dead. And the squadmate you assaulted didn't even suffer a scratch. Rot in hell you idiot.

Sincerely,
Overseer.

Dear Urist McChild,
You have managed to hospitalize, among others, my only skilled animal trainer with your tantrums. Whats more you did it in the depths of winter when we have no water. If they dehydrate I will be locking you in a pit to suffer the same fate.

Sincerely,
Vengeful Overseer.

[azrael4h]

Dear Urist McNarcissist;

I know you really don't give a flying capybara's behind about your children and loved ones being butchered by goblins. But when I tell you to install the coffins so I can have them buried, do not wait until they bodies have rotted completely away to nothingness. Build the bloody coffins! I dug out enough room for the rest of the military, and smoothed most of it before you built the first one!

[Infinityforce]

Dear Urist McCrossbowDwarf....
                   You REALLY did not need to jump down from that ledge in order to engage that cave crocodile in melee combat.
                   You are wielding a crossbow. You could easily have fired bolts through that channel on the floor above instead of jumping through it.
                   I'm sure you were very confident in your ability to use your crossbow as a hammer, despite having little-to-no experience in doing so, but now you're dead.
                   Thanks alot. Next time, use your bolts first, at least you could have softened it up before waltzing with it.
                       R.I.P.
(in hindsight, I should have put a grate over the channel, or constructed a fortification, instead of thinking; "there's no way a crossbowdwarf will jump down to, and run up to a cave crocodile.... right?".... wrong, in fact... very wrong... note to self: crossbow dwarves should be chained to a wall or something to ensure they don't leave their station/position)

[scourge728]

Dear Tavern Dwellers of all species
Please stop trying to disprove physics when I turn my attention to something else (aka leaving dwarf fortress running in the background while doing other things), two of you CANNOT move into the same space, it sends reality back in time (aka a game crash)
tired of having to redo things,
Scourge the overseer

[Fish Preferred]

Dear Litast Laborrakes:
I must admit, your ability to jump through an isolated hole in the middle of the ceiling and climb across the exterior wall until you reach the point you started from is quite amazing. The way you performed five consecutive runs on an empty stomach without falling into the water hazard was made even more impressive by the fact that you did so without ever alerting the forgotten beast or any of the cave ogres to your presence - only a few yards away.
Great though my admiration is, it is tempered with no small amount of frustration, as I would much rather see you employ this superb gymnastic skill in the process of getting yourself inside, rather than sitting in the caverns like a dead plump helmet every time you rebuild the wall that divides the two. When next you decide to wall yourself in on the safe side, I would reccommend that you simply stay on that side and leave the daredevil stunts for more unsavoury situations.

 Sincerely, A Concerned Onlooker


Attention all Urist McWhiningImbeciles:
I know you're upset by the lack of dining tables. Obviously, the interior designers have made a greivous and unforgivable error by neglecting to install one at every seat in the temple, bath house, and myriad bedrooms all over the fort for your every convenience. Rest assured that they will be reprimanded most sternly, and possibly even yelled at, for their oversight. In the meantime, feel free to use any of the auxiliary tables already prepared for you in the spacious dining/drinking hall directly above the food stockpiles while we sort this out.

 In deepest sympathy, Your Beloved Overseer

[Pirate Santa]

Dear Urist McMilker,
I am terribly sorry but as you may be aware due to a clerical error you have been convicted of one count of disorderly conduct and sentenced to be chained up in the dungeons for 26 days. I assure you that while your sentence cannot be amended I will ensure this will never happen again, and that the miscreant who did commit the crime you are accused of is going to suffer.

Sincerely,
Your apologetic Overseer.

Dear Urist McChild,
You are in so much trouble you little shit. I've got 40+ counts of disorderly conduct and one of building destruction pinned on you. Enjoy childhood while it lasts. Once you're an adult I'm sending you to the dungeons for a very very long time.

Sincerely,
Your vengeful Overseer.

[AzyWng]

Dear Urist McChild,
You are in so much trouble you little shit. I've got 40+ counts of disorderly conduct and one of building destruction pinned on you. Enjoy childhood while it lasts. Once you're an adult I'm sending you to the dungeons for a very very long time.

Sincerely,
Your vengeful Overseer.

I'd like to know what kind of parenting would result in that kind of behavior.

That way I know what not to do if I have kids.

[Derro]

Dear dwarves,

As you may remember, one of you tragically died to mysterious causes, which wasn't his fault. That means you shouldn't all run towards his corpse to steal his stuff, okay? Obviously I'm the guy who gets instant death dust, and who finds nearly every item on the surface is coated in it.

[Fleeting Frames]

I'd like some weaponizable instant death dust. Currently, getting thralling dusk, which is so-so for shooting into enemies and terrible for birdhunting.

[MonkeyHead]

Dear dwarves of BronzeFurnace...

Why have you suddenly started ignoring orders to move captured exotic beasts from crude wooden cages into the fancy cages in the zoo?

Yours, Overseer MonkeyHead