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[Wheeljack]

Dear Urist McEveryone In This New Fort,

You keep worshipping but still complain you haven't been able to worship. I gave your gods each a temple of their own. With their own statue and nice containers to put whatever the heck you need them for.

Then I made you a huge temple and you were still complaining.

Stop pretending to worship and actually worship already before I tear it all down.

Sincerely,
An explosive happy overseer that doesn't mind nuking the world just because she can

[Romeofalling]

Dear Urist McWeaverPants,

Please find attached a commendation medal for your recent bravery. While my hastily assembled militia squad immediately retreated from the kobold menacing our recently built fort, claiming the need to "pick up some equipment" before dealing with the vandal, you leapt unhesitatingly into the fray.

Not only did you manage to keep the intruder from sneaking around you to the entrance, which was all I was really expecting, honestly, you managed to actually overcome the foe. For this, sir, you are to be commended.

I have been told, repeatedly (by onlooker first and afterward by myself) about how after gut-punching the kobold hard enough to knock him unconscious, you then grabbed him by the tongue and repeatedly punched him in the face until he died.

Sincerely,
Your grateful overlord

PS - Please be sure to arrive at rollcall early. You have, of course, been drafted.

[MobRules]

Dear Urist McNewlyElectedMayor

Congratulations on winning the election just two months after arriving! No, I don't mind. Being mayor, baroness, and broker all at once is rather exhausting; I'm just as glad to offload some of the responsibility onto you!

However, there is an issue that must be addressed. You won the election just as a trade caravan arrived, and immediately tried to ban the export of barrels, (and by extension, anything stored in barrels.)

Being as you are newly arrived, you might not realize that a good part of our trade economy is based on excess dwarven wine, prepared meals, and raw fish. I'm terribly sorry to be forced to override your very first edict, but really, do you really think you were being reasonable?

I'll admit, that a newcomer being elected mayor so quickly, and immediately giving such an unreasonable demand led me to -- I hope you will forgive me, one can't be too safe -- check into your background a bit. My worry deepened when nobody seemed to have any connection to you or any idea who you are, and that you seemed to tell everyone you talked to a different story about where you are from. I was quite relieved to hear about your most dwarfly drunken antics in the public tavern.

I also learned that you are a bard, and have been dissatisfied at a lack of opportunities to practice your craft. To soften the blow of having given (as Baroness) myself (as Broker) permission to ignore your barrel edict, I've arranged the opportunity for you to play regularly at the citizens-only legendary dining-hall-tavern. Not nearly so much competition for floor space as there is upstairs in the public tavern where the visiting bards are allowed!

I hope that we are able to start our relationship off on the right foot.

Sincerley,

Baroness Broker Reg Ningfath Burnsack of Urnclobbers

[LordPorkins]

Dear Urist McBard

Now, i know that you are as pumped about the new update as i am, but i do have some gripes with you. First off, i have been informed that you are skille din the art of music. While this is good, the fort only has 8 inhabitants. We dont need entertainers. Also, i know i accidentally designated the wagon as a temple, but i already have decreed that the horses are not, in fact, gods. However, you have a peculiar habit of running to the wagon on random intervals and bursting into song. Frankly, this is quite frightening to the others,and when i put you on guard duty you immediately abandoned your post to sing tales of the mighty Wagon. Please at least try to maintain some effort at sanity.

Sincerely

Urist McBoss

[Iapetus]

Me: Kogan Kovestadil, I was under the impression that you hated slugs.
Kogan: That's right - I absolutely detest them.
Me:  Right.  So why, when I comissioned you to make me five copper statues, did you make them all of slugs?
Kogan: ...

[AzyWng]

Dear Urist Mchungries:

Could you please make sure to actually eat the food that is cooked, instead of simply taking the raw plants?

I know there's so many more plant barrels than prepared food barrels, but that is simply no excuse.

If you're going to complain about the lack of decent meals, my chef is preparing MASTERPIECES! EAT THOSE!

Enjoy your meals,
Urist McOverseer

[flyteofheart]

note to urist: when one idiot wanders out into the vile sludge rain and gets knocked unconscious immediately, 20 more do not need to run out to move him to the hospital and get caught in the same rain. After you see one or two pass out, you should logically understand that the fucking rain is hazardous to your health!

[TheBiggerFish]

Note to Overseer Flyteofheart:
Well, you didn't tell us to stay inside, and how were WE supposed to know it was the rain?
We can't look up!

Sincerely,

Urist.

((Burrows?))

[endlessblaze]

dear scholars.
why are your ponderings always purple and never seem to satisfy you? and why are you not writing?

dear scribe
I guess we have nothing for you to copy right now....can you go slap some sense into the scholars?

[MobRules]

Note to Overseer Flyteofheart:
Well, you didn't tell us to stay inside, and how were WE supposed to know it was the rain?
We can't look up!

Sincerely,

Urist.

((Burrows?))

A civilian military alert is helpful in this situation (they aren't just for sieges!)

[Admiral Obvious]

Dear Harvesting Dwarves.

That is indeed an impressive haul of grapes you are bringing in. Would you be so kind to explain why you feel the need to store a single grape per tile? I realize we are low on bags at the moment, but you also seem to be storing entire stacks of strawberry PLANTS, not the fruit, in stacks of 5 without bags...

Fortunately we have enough space for this, but until we get bags, you are restricted to a single grape per meal. Maybe then you will learn something.

Your amused, and annoyed overseer.

[Klitri]

Dear Urist McEverybody

I understand that this world is brutal and unforgiving, however, it is because of that fact that you should be LESS scared of a certain flying green bird commonly referred to as a "Kea."

It's a fucking parrot

PARROT.

PARROT NOT A FUCKING MONSTER.

Finish ALL the tasks you've been told to and then report to A.T.O.M.S.M.A.S.H.E.R room #4, as the other three are currently closed for cleanup.

Thank you.

With kindest regards, Your Overseer.

[Amperzand]

Dear Overseer;

'Ave you seen what a flock o' them "Kea" things can do to a dwarf, Lord? Them monsters can rend flesh from bone in minutes, and they steal things left an' right. Ya need to purge the godsdamned things before they breed!

Sincerely, Urist.

[Solon64]

Dear Overseer;

'Ave you seen what a flock o' them "Kea" things can do to a dwarf, Lord? Them monsters can rend flesh from bone in minutes, and they steal things left an' right. Ya need to purge the godsdamned things before they breed!

Sincerely, Urist/

RE: keas

Dear Urist, i have already communed with Armok to eliminate all keas from this universe. If the particular reality you exist in still has them, i suggest you make an offering to Armok and your god of war, then grab your kitten leather cap and wooden training hatchet and get to purging them yourself. As overseer, i cant be arsed to deal with the vermin avian creatures of my own universe, much less a different one.

[RunawayCactus]

Dear Urist McGatherer


It is not a good time to pick strawberries when there are over 100 invaders at our doorstep. Come inside or I am raising the bridge.

Signed,

God-Commander RunawayCactus