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[Tawa]

Dear Queen Lorbam,

Fuck your piccolo mandates. Fuck your imprisonment of people that aren't even involved in the production of piccolos. But most importantly, fuck you. You are the most annoying noble I've ever had. I'd kill you if you had any successors in my fort, but you don't so you live. At least until I decide enough is enough and take my chances with random succession or impregnating you via DFhack.

Man, that's gotta suck. At least the one king I ever managed to get only loved rings and shields.

[Skribbblie]

Dear Èrith Nirsibrek Zonfarash Akath, Dwarf Slayer,

I know you're upset about the pile of bodies I left in the dining hall for three years. And I know you're upset about all the unarmed civilian mobs I enlisted to kill innocent sentients and unstoppable beasts, and how you were a part of all of them.

I know almost everyone you've ever had friendly relations with is dead.

And I know you don't really care about anything anymore.

And I know you have an endless list of injuries to the head.

But please stop throwing tantrums and murdering/maiming people. I know one of them was insane, and one of them was throwing as many tantrums as you, but the disciplinary beatings won't stop, and since those clearly aren't getting through your head, I hope you understand what I'm trying to tell you in this message.

(Keep doing what you're doing, it's very Fun, and I relish in every beating you survive with a fractured skull - you are invaluable to this great psychological experiment)

Sincerely,
Armok

[escondida]

Dear Queen Lorbam,

Fuck your piccolo mandates. Fuck your imprisonment of people that aren't even involved in the production of piccolos. But most importantly, fuck you. You are the most annoying noble I've ever had. I'd kill you if you had any successors in my fort, but you don't so you live. At least until I decide enough is enough and take my chances with random succession or impregnating you via DFhack.

Dear Urist McGuard,

Keep up the good work! Every artisan you maim our imprison serves as an object lesson for my other rebellious subjects. It sure is a lucky thing our overseer decided to have a Guard squad in addition to the militia, or these plebs could just ignore my mandates with no consequences!

Sincerely,
Queen Lorbam

[pisskop]

Dear Queen;

No!  You go away!  Go back home; we don't want you here!  We can't support you with our current set of furnishings!

To make matters worse, the King Consort is a damn Baron!

And Its even worse insofar as her bloodline has held the crown since the dawn of time, passing down the matriarichal line.  So I'll feel bad if she dies.

[Callista]

Dear Urist McLiteral:

...but not like THAT.

[Ulfgard]

Dear collective Urists of "region 1":

I have come to understand that the 21 of you have managed to embark in such a location that everything above the aquifer level is made entirely of fire clay. To date, you're the only colonists to have been able to locate so much as a single tile of the stuff. So good on you for that! However, there are several concerns that need immediate addressing.



Dear Urist McWoodcutter:

I don't care how many langurs and keas are flitting about-- you done goofed, mate. Yes, I know they're scary, but they're also thieving bastards, and that was the fort's only axe. Given that we have no stone whatsoever to work with, I think you can figure out the problem on your own. I'm strongly considering ordering your fellows to bash you against the remaining trees until the trees fall over.

I wouldn't have cared if you're a lumberjack, if you're okay, if you sleep all night and work all day, and have a number of Royal Canadian Mounties singing back-up for you. As it stands, you, good Urist, have blown it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Urists McFarmer and McBrewer, respectively:

I have no idea what you're on about that there's no more plump helmet spawn, or any other seeds in the fortress for that matter. Our books clearly indicate that there are nearly 100 sitting in that stockpile directly in front of you. Why haven't you been planting? For the last three seasons, you've been camped out in the middle of one of the farm patches just staring at a wall.

This, then, brings us to the second point: there are barrels of perfectly good plump helmets sitting in the stockpile at the other end of the room, adjacent the still, and there are still a score of empty barrels in which to store the derived brew. Maybe if you'd brew the damn plump helmets and personally hand Urist McFarmer the plump helmet spawn, he'd get back to planting them.

At present, food stocks should be sufficient to feed a fort twice your size. That'll go faster than you think, though, so please get back to doing your damn jobs. Bastards like you two are exactly the reason that "region 2" is a goblin fort. At least they actually get shit done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Urist McGlassmaker:

I know you're new here, but we deal in one export material and one export material only: fire clay. Don't you even think about getting into a Mood and 1)demanding a Glass furnace or 2)demanding glass of any variety.

I will order 3 entire Z-levels dropped on you out of spite.

This is your one and only warning.

Don't. Test. Me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear collective Urists McPotter-to-be:

The fort's got more clay and more kilns than dorfs right now. Make use of them while you can, because Urist McWoodcutter isn't going to be cutting any wood any time soon. What's cut now is to be parceled out to each workshop in the fort that needs it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Urists McCarpeter and McBookkeeper collectively:

You two are the only dorfs in the fort who actually do their jobs. I both thank you, and offer congratulations. Urist McCarpenter, please keep on churning out as many masterpiece wooden items as you desire. Urist McBookkeepr, (either) you're doing an excellent job with the records (or you've goofed everything, and the rest of the dorfs standing around like idiots telling me that they don't have any of the things they need are correct).


Signed,
The Voice of Reason.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, in "region 2"


Dear Stasosts (or Snodubs, whichever you prefer):

I think I may be the only person to say this, but... BREED, DAMN YOU! BREED! You may or may not have noticed, but we stopped getting both migrants and caravans about 5 years ago, and the attrition is really starting to add up now. We've had a 1/3 reduction of the population. Nowhere is there a single baby or child to be seen. It's up to you to put us back on a growth trend. Get to it!


*PS-- Dostngosp McMiner....erm, Rock-biter(?):
When I specifically told you to vein-dig that hematite, I fully expected you to STOP DIGGING once you hit the obsidian wall of the magma tube. I'm not sure what should have been your first clue-- that it was hot stone, or that it was obsidian instead of hematite. In any case, you single-handedly incinerated one out of every three goblins in the fort with your little screw-up. (How you, yourself, managed to escape incineration is beyond me, though.) While I can't pin the lack of merchants or migrants on you, the fort's death toll lies largely at your feet.


Sincerely,
Bittermalice, Demon Lord of Plaitedshrieks

[Finn]

Dear collective Urists of "region 1":

I have come to understand that the 21 of you have managed to embark in such a location that everything above the aquifer level is made entirely of fire clay. To date, you're the only colonists to have been able to locate so much as a single tile of the stuff. So good on you for that! However, there are several concerns that need immediate addressing.



Dear Urist McWoodcutter:

I don't care how many langurs and keas are flitting about-- you done goofed, mate. Yes, I know they're scary, but they're also thieving bastards, and that was the fort's only axe. Given that we have no stone whatsoever to work with, I think you can figure out the problem on your own. I'm strongly considering ordering your fellows to bash you against the remaining trees until the trees fall over.

I wouldn't have cared if you're a lumberjack, if you're okay, if you sleep all night and work all day, and have a number of Royal Canadian Mounties singing back-up for you. As it stands, you, good Urist, have blown it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Urists McFarmer and McBrewer, respectively:

I have no idea what you're on about that there's no more plump helmet spawn, or any other seeds in the fortress for that matter. Our books clearly indicate that there are nearly 100 sitting in that stockpile directly in front of you. Why haven't you been planting? For the last three seasons, you've been camped out in the middle of one of the farm patches just staring at a wall.

This, then, brings us to the second point: there are barrels of perfectly good plump helmets sitting in the stockpile at the other end of the room, adjacent the still, and there are still a score of empty barrels in which to store the derived brew. Maybe if you'd brew the damn plump helmets and personally hand Urist McFarmer the plump helmet spawn, he'd get back to planting them.

At present, food stocks should be sufficient to feed a fort twice your size. That'll go faster than you think, though, so please get back to doing your damn jobs. Bastards like you two are exactly the reason that "region 2" is a goblin fort. At least they actually get shit done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Urist McGlassmaker:

I know you're new here, but we deal in one export material and one export material only: fire clay. Don't you even think about getting into a Mood and 1)demanding a Glass furnace or 2)demanding glass of any variety.

I will order 3 entire Z-levels dropped on you out of spite.

This is your one and only warning.

Don't. Test. Me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear collective Urists McPotter-to-be:

The fort's got more clay and more kilns than dorfs right now. Make use of them while you can, because Urist McWoodcutter isn't going to be cutting any wood any time soon. What's cut now is to be parceled out to each workshop in the fort that needs it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Urists McCarpeter and McBookkeeper collectively:

You two are the only dorfs in the fort who actually do their jobs. I both thank you, and offer congratulations. Urist McCarpenter, please keep on churning out as many masterpiece wooden items as you desire. Urist McBookkeepr, (either) you're doing an excellent job with the records (or you've goofed everything, and the rest of the dorfs standing around like idiots telling me that they don't have any of the things they need are correct).


Signed,
The Voice of Reason.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, in "region 2"


Dear Stasosts (or Snodubs, whichever you prefer):

I think I may be the only person to say this, but... BREED, DAMN YOU! BREED! You may or may not have noticed, but we stopped getting both migrants and caravans about 5 years ago, and the attrition is really starting to add up now. We've had a 1/3 reduction of the population. Nowhere is there a single baby or child to be seen. It's up to you to put us back on a growth trend. Get to it!


*PS-- Dostngosp McMiner....erm, Rock-biter(?):
When I specifically told you to vein-dig that hematite, I fully expected you to STOP DIGGING once you hit the obsidian wall of the magma tube. I'm not sure what should have been your first clue-- that it was hot stone, or that it was obsidian instead of hematite. In any case, you single-handedly incinerated one out of every three goblins in the fort with your little screw-up. (How you, yourself, managed to escape incineration is beyond me, though.) While I can't pin the lack of merchants or migrants on you, the fort's death toll lies largely at your feet.


Sincerely,
Bittermalice, Demon Lord of Plaitedshrieks

I enjoyed this, very funny.  But can't your carpenter make a wodden training axe for the woodcutter? Or does that trick no longer work in .40?

[Ulfgard]

I enjoyed this, very funny.  But can't your carpenter make a wodden training axe for the woodcutter? Or does that trick no longer work in .40?

Ah, glad you enjoyed it. And to answer your question, it still works that way in vanilla, yes. It would appear, though, that one of the mods I'm running removes that functionality from training axes as I've already pursued that particular course of action. Either that or my woodcutter is, in fact, too busy singing about being a lumberjack.

[pisskop]

Dear Doctor and Hauler;

First of all, I'd like to say a work in praise of your skillsets.  Good job corpse hauling.  The cleanup of the depopulation oof the second cavern caused by that one FB is slowly completing thanks to your efforts.

Now, on to the problem at hand.  Yes, we locked you out.  Yes, we know you're trying to carry those rutherers to the stockpiles.  But look!  There's a passage going down that we need you two to either a)wall off or b)get down and let less upset individuals handle.  Standing there bitching at the drawbridge will not make it lower, and that sound?  Well, thats the sound of a war dog being incinerated and the the entire cavern burning to a crisp.  Except for that Beast.  He's immune to fire and coming your way slowly.  The crundles will only distract him for so long.  Please move.

  Regards,
    OS

[SimRobert2001]

Dear Doctor and Hauler;

First of all, I'd like to say a work in praise of your skillsets.  Good job corpse hauling.  The cleanup of the depopulation oof the second cavern caused by that one FB is slowly completing thanks to your efforts.

Now, on to the problem at hand.  Yes, we locked you out.  Yes, we know you're trying to carry those rutherers to the stockpiles.  But look!  There's a passage going down that we need you two to either a)wall off or b)get down and let less upset individuals handle.  Standing there bitching at the drawbridge will not make it lower, and that sound?  Well, thats the sound of a war dog being incinerated and the the entire cavern burning to a crisp.  Except for that Beast.  He's immune to fire and coming your way slowly.  The crundles will only distract him for so long.  Please move.

  Regards,
    OS

You could recruit him into the military, and station him elsewhere.

[CaptainGame]

Dear Magical Robot Bear,

The recent siege of a gnome caravan by the drow left us with many clockwork animals - as such, your presence in my base does not surprise me. What does confuse me, however, is how you got to nearly the bottom of the main stairwell in absence of any apparent means of locomotion given you're in a bloody cage. But somehow, instead of arriving in the depot like your robot brethren, you chose to simply materialize in the cavern stairs, cage and all, and begin vomiting excess amounts of smoke into my base, driving all my dwarves insane while triggering an excessive number of "cannot find path" cancellation messages.

I don't know where you came from and I don't know why you won't go back there, but I've deleted you as well as all the negative thoughts you've caused. You cheat, I cheat.

Sincerely,
The Overseer, who's a much better wizard than you are

[PyroTechno]

Dear Urist McQueen,

Please stop asking for maces when our fortress doesn't have any metal.

Thank you,

-The person who will commit regicide if you keep it up, even though you are one of the only 7 dwarves that still exist on this planet, so help me Vush Crimsonlilacs the Tax of Luxuries, the imp god of wealth, jewels, minerals, metals, mountains, volcanos, and fire

[pisskop]

Dear King of Kumil Nosig;


Why are you hanging out in a destroyed ruin of the old capital?  You're the only living critter there, too.

[escondida]

Dear Tokda Gethdazilid, Human Diplomat:

Greetings to you on behalf of the dwarves of Lanterngroove, and in the name of Her Majesty Urdim Konosssoloz, queen of the Mountainhomes of the Obscure Spears, Protectress Extraordinaire of the Cantons of the Deep, may her rule be eternal and wise, &c., &c.

[Editor's note: it appears that Mayor Keskalesmul sent several letters to a visiting human diplomat. The preamble and closing were more or less identical between them, so they will each be included only once]

[First Missive, dated 5th Hematite 253:]

I was greatly pleased to hear of your mission to visit our humble fort. I have looked forward to our meeting for some time now. When you arrive at the fort, any of the citizenry you encounter will be happy to point you to my office, where I shall have a banquet laid out in your honor.

[Second Missive, dated 23rd Timber 253:]

I received your reply to my letter. I absolutely understand that among your people, it is customary to visit the local aristocracy before meeting with lowly civil servants, but alas Duchess Endok is currently indisposed. I shan't bore you with the details, but it seems that the Duchess is the sole witness to a rather grisly murder---an exsanguination, in fact---in one of the poorer quarters of the fort. She was able to give me a detailed description of a figure she says she saw running from the scene, but I happen to know that the suspect so named was busily at work on our curtain wall at the time. Because we have yet to apprehend the true culprit, and because I fear there may be reprisals from the killer, I have taken the liberty of confining the Duchess to her quarters indefinitely---for her own protection, of course. Fortunately for the fort, but unfortunately for the Duchess, who doubtless must continue to live in fear, the killer has not struck again since I took this step. I hope you understand my reasons for not allowing you in to see her; we cannot be too careful.

My offer of a meeting still stands, of course; I think you'll find that, in the Duchess's absence, I have somehow managed to struggle by and keep the fort running.

[Third Missive, dated 1st Hematite 254:]

You have been camping on the outskirts of Lanterngroove for very nearly a year now, awaiting word from the Duchess. I've been generous--I even had her office restructured for you, fortifications carved through which she could speak with you without leaving the safety of her desk. This was at great risk to the fort the Duchess, I might add, since the door had to be unlocked to allow workers into her office. Somehow, though, this wasn't good enough for you, and still you waited out in the rain. Perhaps you think that this is no way for a noble to be protected? I assure you, Her Grace is ever...sanguine. If you'll at least tell me what this visit is regarding, I can pass on word to her and we can resolve your business and you can go home.

Yours,
Iden Keskalesmul,
Mayor and Protectress of Lanterngroove by the grace of her people and in the name of Her Majesty Urdim Konossoloz, may her name be sung forever and her wine be ever bountiful, &c., &c.

[Fourth Missive, dated 1st Granite 255:]

Dear Kumil Partnergates, Militia Commander,

I think that human diplomat waiting on the other side of the dry moat is in league with Duchess Endok. Your revenge on Endok for murdering your father still has to wait until we can make it look like an accident, but if you'll take care of her tall lackey for me I'd be very appreciative.

Yours,
Iden

[MobRules]

^ Pure. Gold.