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[Walrusking]

Dear Urist McTradesdwarf,

WHY?!?

I offered you 175* over the amount I owed you. Why then did you want to increase it to 350*?!? They're just beer and wine barrels! I only needed something to drink!

Urist McSealdwarf

To Urist McSealdwarf,

Traders are greedy motherlovers, sir. I don't know exactly how sharp they are, but if you don't have a sharp, assertive dwarf, well-skilled in persuasion, negotiation, intimidation, etc, they feel they can take advantage of the dwarf you sent to negotiate with them, and may demand a deal better in their favor, and will get pissed if you keep offering them a deal which is fair by your standards.

To counter this, I recommend, if available, getting the sharpest, most persuasive and skilled liar in the fort to do the negotiating. If you can't, then just have the woodcrafters turn trees into giant spiked balls. Armok knows why, but everybody considers even babby-tier spiked balls incredibly valuable, and ones of genuine quality (for wooden objects,) will sell like crazy. Maybe they all think giant, spiked wooden balls are a form of avant-garde Dwarven art they can't understand, so they pay a premium for them so as not to appear to be stupid.

If you don't have any time for that, just seize the goods. You can go through a trade depot's menu selectively to Dump the goods you want if they're a Dwarven caravan, or just dump the whole thing (possibly including the traders' personal belongings, if you're feeling vindictive) if you're in a hurried mood.

You can also sell prepared meals for astounding prices, so if you really need to, you can buy whatever food is within your price budget, mince it all up into a roast, sell it back at a ridiculous premium, and buy whatever you like.

I just use the BALLS BALLS BALLS trick, though. By now, I'm half convinced that gargantuan wooden spiked balls are art, given the quality that my carpenters have been putting out. Thinking of hanging a pair from the walls or something.

Sincerely,
Overseer McFortressBalls

Overseer McFortressBalls,

After careful examination of our broker, we have deemed him unfit for the job and will draft him to the house builders as soon as possible (working with stone on narrow walkways 2 or 3 z-levels in the air ought to knock some sense into him) Bellmountains sends it's thanks.

Urist McSealdwarf

[TheFlame52]

The reason I'm here is for the occasional reply by people pretending to be the addressed dwarf/another dwarf.

But it's even better when said dwarf is actually helpful to the player rather than just funny.

[blazing glory]

Overseers note to all Dwarves of Wheelsthin.

I wish to commend you all for your hard work.

We have a workshop room and a huge stockpile room, but all fortress have that.

On top of that, we have a trade depot which can be sealed off from the fortress, enough iron and coal to last us a long while, bare bedrooms, and a bridge that can seal off the entrance in case of siege.

We even have some platinum crafts for the caravan.

And the year isn't even over yet, we might even be able to add cabinets and chests to the bedrooms.

Feel free to take a well earned break.

Signed,
The pleased Overseer.

[SimRobert2001]

Overseers note to all Dwarves of Wheelsthin.

I wish to commend you all for your hard work.

We have a workshop room and a huge stockpile room, but all fortress have that.

On top of that, we have a trade depot which can be sealed off from the fortress, enough iron and coal to last us a long while, bare bedrooms, and a bridge that can seal off the entrance in case of siege.

We even have some platinum crafts for the caravan.

And the year isn't even over yet, we might even be able to add cabinets and chests to the bedrooms.

Feel free to take a well earned break.

Signed,
The pleased Overseer.

Dear Overseer:
Thank you for your input.  Rest assured, we are working on ways to screw up even as we speak.  We dwarves always find a way.

[ShadowDragon8685]

Dear Treebeard McEnt

You thought you were clever. You thought you'd topple this fortress into oblivion by growing your children under a constructed overhang, so that when they grew up, their branches would brush up against the underside of a construction and destroy the world.

And it worked. Twice. Unfortunately for you, the powers of time and space are mine to command. After the second inexplicable vortex that annihilated all of time and space, I figured it out, and I stopped your devilish plan.

Now your children lay slain, their corpses converted into the very growth-restraining skirts of wood which protect my fortress from an encore.

Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS



Dear Urist McWoodcutters, Urist McRoadlayers

Thank you. The fortress is safe from the threat of trees growing under our overhangs and toppling the world. You have done a great service to Dwarvenkind this day.

Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS.

[TheKaspa]

Dear Treebeard McEnt

You thought you were clever. You thought you'd topple this fortress into oblivion by growing your children under a constructed overhang, so that when they grew up, their branches would brush up against the underside of a construction and destroy the world.

And it worked. Twice. Unfortunately for you, the powers of time and space are mine to command. After the second inexplicable vortex that annihilated all of time and space, I figured it out, and I stopped your devilish plan.

Now your children lay slain, their corpses converted into the very growth-restraining skirts of wood which protect my fortress from an encore.

Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS



Dear Urist McWoodcutters, Urist McRoadlayers

Thank you. The fortress is safe from the threat of trees growing under our overhangs and toppling the world. You have done a great service to Dwarvenkind this day.

Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS.

Which Doctor stepped in to help you?

[ShadowDragon8685]

Which Doctor stepped in to help you?

The funny one.



Dear Momuz Letmosingiz, aka Urist McMoodyChild

I'm not even upset that you made an artifact millstone. We're probably going to build a mill at some point.

I am, however, baffled, that you named it after yourself. Literally named the artifact the exact same thing you are, yourself, named.

I guess that's one way to make sure your name is memorialized.

Sincerely,
Overseer McMystified


Dear Urist McCrazyChef

I was just now looking at what was hauled to the trade depot for sale, and I found a gigantic wooden pot that the traders were apparently prepared to pay a king's ransom for. Being curious at finding a pot of food apparently worth more than all of the fortress's artifacts put together, I looked inside. This is what I found:

≡Donkey's milk roast [53]≡

This is a stack of 53 well-prepared donkey's milk roast. The ingredients are well-minced groundhog tallow, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, exceptionally minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced wolverine tallow, and well-minced donkey's milk.

You maniacs have been smoking the rat weed instead of brewing it, haven't you?

Literally nothing in that pot is fit for dwarvenkind to eat. Just breathing in the smell coming from the pot made me put on two pounds! It's a gigantic, viscous ooze of syrup, with mixed-in tallow for a bit of extra solidity and some donkey's milk for, I dunno, flavor? And yet, the traders are willing to pay 50,148☼ for it.

I don't even know why they want it, and I don't care. I'm selling it to them so they'll rid my fortress of it before this unholy abomination makes everyone who eats a bowl of it keel over dead.

Sincerely,
Overseer McQueasy

[blazing glory]

Dear...Migrants.

Go away, we don't want your kind here.

Especially not 50.

Sincerely,
The overworked Overseer.

[Dwarf4Explosives]

-Dwarven yoghurt incident-

This made me snigger for over a minute.

[HawaiianJon]

Dear Weavers...

I wish I could write a note to you about how dangerous running into a GCS infested cave is, but you appear to already have died and dragged to the magma chute for 'burial'
I hope that web that we already had 200 cloth of was important, as your children are now following your footsteps.
If you blame me for not setting the auto-loom off, I ask why you thought going past the restricted area was the best damn thing ever.

Signed,
The Guy creating the will of your children.

[gunpowdertea]

Dear Guy the Colourful Shirt,

yeronner, ye see, "restricted" tells us "go through that if you really want" - and we did want, only t' finest spidery silk for our socks, ye ken? Ye could 'ave forbidden us ta touch the webs and we'd 'ave respected yer will. Ye couldave also locked the door ta the spider cave... ye don't want that webslingin' one ta come up ta the fortress proper, dontcha?

Yer most obed'ent servants (deceased),
t' weavers guild members

[Staalo]

So, Mrs Vabôk Lanceramuses, nice to see you; I have heard praise about your conduct in the recent battle against the undead horde. I see you have given a name for your axe. "Giftlock", very appropriate. But, I also see that at some point you discarded the masterwork adamantine battle axe I made available to you and picked an ordinary woodcutter's copper axe instead. And you named that? I sincerely hope you'll never face anything armored during your military career.

Also an important announcement for the dwarves of Moonpalace: stop punching the weretortoise. You are supposed to get back inside as fast as possible and let the militia handle the attacker. Now one of you is dead and another one certainly infected with the were-curse. Please respect the civilian alert next time.

[HideAndSeekLOGIC]

Dear Urist McCrossbowperson,

[HideAndSeekLOGIC]

Sorry for the error

Please know that you have just slept through an entire goblin siege, two werewolf invasions and the massacre of your best friend despite I was there repeatedly shouting "GET THE HELL UP INTO THE GODDAM ARCHER TOWER AND KILL DEM MOTHERF****** GOBLINS NOW". Notes of your effort to crucially help in fending off the goblins will be noted in the future. Please make your way to the manager's office to receive your next task.







CLEANING UP THE DEAD

[aiseant]

Dear bunch of ecological disaster,

The amount of fishes and mussels in the river is limited. You know I use my all mighty powers to make the nature replenishes livestock every years, but I wont help you anymore if you keep wasting all those good fishes like this !
For Armock's sake, you are standing on a pile of rotten mussel corpse. You are buried on those wasted goods ! Why do you keep dragging new catches out of the water to let them rot on the ground, when there are already so many to prepare and turn into delicious roasts ?

Stop acting like humans, you fools !

Your Overseer