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[reality.auditor]

Dear McHunter,

why you don't bash with crossbow when it would be actually useful? And if you insist to stop hunting due to lack of ammo and return to fortress, you can just run past this damn unconscious giant otter, you moron.

[pisskop]

]

Yup. He did. Very very !!dwarfy!! indeed.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Fortress:

I just heard that another fortress has dwarves who are capable of destroying each other using their own weaponised blood. You lot couldn't kill an angry capybara in the dining room with decorated weapons and plate armour! I'm very disappointed. The children it managed to maim and kill are very disappointed as well. And now we have a depressed doctor. The Gods only know how that's going to turn out. Good luck recovering from your capybara-induced injuries without a trained doctor.

--The Overseer.

Dear overseer;

  Havent you ever heard the tales if the fearsome Capybara demons?
  How do we know that he wasnt one of them?  Should we abandon caution within our own home?
Nay, much better that we took the time to understand the beastie first.

  With Stern Regards

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Dear Miner Union,
Can you not Chanel out stone without standing in the pit being filled with water? Three out of five of you died!
Sincerely,
Overseer


Dear Peasents/haulers,
When a caravan is in town and all the cut gems are marked for trade, those should tak living priority over freaking stones!

[The Big D]

Dear Dwarves.

Next time you decide to park the wagon, DON'T DO IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 12 STRONG HERD OF ALLIGATORS AND THEN RUN OFF TO THE HIPPOS FOR CONSOLATION!

Sincerely, the hive queen.

[Pirate Santa]

Dear Fortress Terraforming Crew,

I would like to thank you all for your outstanding performance during the highly risky recent operation. Channeling out grooves in all those frozen pools and filling them with walls has finally allowed us to complete construction of the compound wall and drawbridges, the security of the fortress is now assured. Congratulations is in order for completing the operation without a single casualty, and just in time for the arrival of spring. I am incredibly proud of you all.

Sincerely,
The Overseer.

Dear Urist McRandomDumbass,

I would like to thank you for ruining our perfect safety record two days later by walking over a rampless pool just as it thawed while on your way to complete a job which should have been perfectly safe. Your body will be retrieved and laid to rest in approximately 9 months when the pool freezes again. I am incredibly disappointed in you.

Sincerely,
The Overseer.

[Adragis]

Dear Urist McBerserk and his recently-deceased family,

You have contributed to dwarf society by somehow limiting the damage caused by the recent tantrum spiral to only your family and nobody else.
Unfortunately, your relatives are mostly Legendary craftsdwarves, and about half my entire crafting population.

You have been awarded the rank of Major, posthumously of course. Please follow the enclosed map to the lava pool and hit the lever there and await promotion.

--Overseer

[Pirate Santa]

Dear Urist McBroker,
I ordered you to the depot to trade with the elves, only to be told you couldn't access it.
I was extremely puzzled as to how this could be, so I tracked you down.
Now I'd like to know, how the hell did you get up there!?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

You're badly injured but all the the combat log shows is a couple of lines about various body parts "taking the full force of the impact".
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.

Sincerely,
The (thoroughly confused) Overseer.

[Bumber]

Dear Urist McBroker,
I ordered you to the depot to trade with the elves, only to be told you couldn't access it.
I was extremely puzzled as to how this could be, so I tracked you down.
Now I'd like to know, how the hell did you get up there!?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

You're badly injured but all the the combat log shows is a couple of lines about various body parts "taking the full force of the impact".
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.

Sincerely,
The (thoroughly confused) Overseer.

Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe he thought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that tree had a climbing mishap from a higher level.)

[Thisfox]

What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.

Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe he thought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that tree had a climbing mishap from a higher level.)

It's possible. I've had horses suddenly and unexpectedly up trees that weren't there before. Also, on at least one occasion, the merchant caravan got hit by a fast growing tree... They're dangerous things.

[blazing glory]

What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.

Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe he thought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that tree had a climbing mishap from a higher level.)

It's possible. I've had horses suddenly and unexpectedly up trees that weren't there before. Also, on at least one occasion, the merchant caravan got hit by a fast growing tree... They're dangerous things.

The way it's being described it sounds more like Elves have planted landmines all over the place to attack poor Dwarves with trees.

[Ieb]

Dear militia:

When the Fortress Guard decide to dispense justice to a new recruit among your ranks, and exercise unnecessary force, it is not a proper reaction to such tragedy to turn your blades towards your kin. Due to the rash decision by our militia commander, and several others, our 30-strong force of masters of their weapon are now but 10. Due to the unfortunate events earlier this year, it seems unlikely as well that we will be able to entice migrants from back home to come here to replenish our need for a strong and dependable defensive force.

Dear Fortress Guard:

Next time, just throw the fucker in jail.

[Gutsy]

Dear Urist McMason:

I am a huge fan of stonemasonry, so I have a lot of respect for what you do. In fact, I built your stonemason workshop especially for you! I even put a stockpile of rocks next door, so you wouldn't have far to walk. Why then, do you insist on dragging stones from the deepest reaches of the mines- when there are several hundred closer rocks mere feet away from your workstation?

If you continue this behavior, the Fortress Guard may have you deemed 'clinically insane', a title punishable by exile and/or death. Please consider your behavior carefully in the future.

- Overseer 'Gutsy'

[blazing glory]

Dear Urist McMason:

I am a huge fan of stonemasonry, so I have a lot of respect for what you do. In fact, I built your stonemason workshop especially for you! I even put a stockpile of rocks next door, so you wouldn't have far to walk. Why then, do you insist on dragging stones from the deepest reaches of the mines- when there are several hundred closer rocks mere feet away from your workstation?

If you continue this behavior, the Fortress Guard may have you deemed 'clinically insane', a title punishable by exile and/or death. Please consider your behavior carefully in the future.

- Overseer 'Gutsy'

Dear annoying overseer Gutsy:

We Dwarves will always be able to smell out good stone beneath or above us better than we can smell them on our current level, the Fortress Guard will support me on this matter.

If ye moved yer fancy stone stockpile a Z level below me and placed the stairs next to me workshop, then I will almost certainly use that instead.

Yours truly, Urist McMason.

(I'm pretty sure there was a bug that caused Dwarves to not be able to factor Z levels into distance, so they'll go deep under ground to grab a rock rather then one in the stock pile because the rock was right under him when he was at his workshop.)

(It may have been fixed though.)

[Urist McShire]

Dear Urist McMason:

I am a huge fan of stonemasonry, so I have a lot of respect for what you do. In fact, I built your stonemason workshop especially for you! I even put a stockpile of rocks next door, so you wouldn't have far to walk. Why then, do you insist on dragging stones from the deepest reaches of the mines- when there are several hundred closer rocks mere feet away from your workstation?

If you continue this behavior, the Fortress Guard may have you deemed 'clinically insane', a title punishable by exile and/or death. Please consider your behavior carefully in the future.

- Overseer 'Gutsy'

Dear annoying overseer Gutsy:

We Dwarves will always be able to smell out good stone beneath or above us better than we can smell them on our current level, the Fortress Guard will support me on this matter.

If ye moved yer fancy stone stockpile a Z level below me and placed the stairs next to me workshop, then I will almost certainly use that instead.

Yours truly, Urist McMason.

(I'm pretty sure there was a bug that caused Dwarves to not be able to factor Z levels into distance, so they'll go deep under ground to grab a rock rather then one in the stock pile because the rock was right under him when he was at his workshop.)

(It may have been fixed though.)

Dear Urist McMason,

While your nose for quality stone is certainly excellent, perhaps it might improve productivity if I chain you to your post or assign you, your workshop, and the stone stockpile I provided for you to the same burrow? You see, there's been a rush of deaths in recent months, and we really would like to have some coffins and slabs dedicated to remembering the fallen 'lest they start haunting the place.

Sincerely,

-Overseer's Aide, Urist McShire

(Even better, use a stockpile link to force him to use those boulders)

[Gutsy]

(Seriously? Thanks. I'd been wondering for like three forts what the heck my stonemasons were attempting by dragging rocks from several stories down. I can finally get productive again (Well, as productive as Dwarves can be.) )