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[TD1]

Dear Urists in the military,

Please kill the vulture murdering our legendary cook instead of just standing right next to it while placing bets.

Signed, Baffled Overseer.

P.S. The vulture has also collapsed from exhaustion, so get on with it.

Haha, this truly paints a picture of Dwarven society and outlook! No doubt they'll rush to help when they realise their food rations will be porridge without him

[Wooster]

Dear Urists McWereoppossum the First and Second,

We've walled you in for your own safety. But ideally, we'd let you out in order to free up those hospital beds for more deserving needy recent patients.

Now, see here: we have very kindly drafted you into your own special unit with orders to walk to that very attractive room where you can die see out your days in the warmth of hot, fiery magma each other's company. But every time we take the walls down, you refuse to go there. Or, indeed, anywhere else: you just sit on those beds.

You're perfectly able-bodied -- in rude health, indeed, and never ruder than at a particular time of the month -- so for the love of Armok, why won't you just follow orders, get off your sorry backsides and march?

Yours in weary frustration,

Guv'nor

[pisskop]

Guv'nor;

  I cannot get out of this bed.  You see, I feel a charie horse come along every time I try.  That magma room sure  does look nice, but so does sittin' here getting pampered by the best doctors your money can buy.  As Im sure youve noticed, Im not interested in your food; cooked meat just isnt apettizing any longer.  And booze?  enh.  Im sure Ill be fine.
  Just keep telling me to do things.  Dont dconstruct my bed and throw me out of bed.  I like it.

  Urist

[origamiscienceguy]

Dear Urist McLegendaryGelder:

No.

Sincerely, The unpixilated man.

[Wooster]

Guv'nor;

  I cannot get out of this bed.  You see, I feel a charie horse come along every time I try.  That magma room sure  does look nice, but so does sittin' here getting pampered by the best doctors your money can buy.  As Im sure youve noticed, Im not interested in your food; cooked meat just isnt apettizing any longer.  And booze?  enh.  Im sure Ill be fine.
  Just keep telling me to do things.  Dont dconstruct my bed and throw me out of bed.  I like it.

  Urist

Dear Urist McHelpful,

Many thanks for your invaluable advice.

I regret to announce that our resident wereopossums appear to have Gone Missing after being sent to test out the new sauna. The fort's current theory is that there was some kind of Freak Malfunction. A magma-safe slab for each is being prepared memorialising the dwarfly manner in which they faced their end, to be placed at the spots where they bravely passed into the Halls of Armok.

After one of them initially emerged screaming something about needing new clothes, we have decided that such a dangerous sauna needs a more secure lock, so its door has now been linked to a lever. I hope this will ensure any future mistakes.

In related news, the weaver and clothesmaker are slightly peeved that some of their masterfully tailored creations have been destroyed. I am valiantly attempting to persuade them that all is well that ends well, as this is nothing compared with being bitten by a creature of the night.

Yours indebtedly,

The Guv'nor

[Foxite]

Dear Mayor,

Please stop mandating the construction of flutes. You know very well that you can't play, and that pretty much no living thing in the world can.

Signed,
The actual mayor.

[Guvnah]

Dear Migrant waves 4-7,

When approaching the fortress, please mind the unholy dust clouds. They are clearly visable and you could just as easily walk around them.

[Thisfox]

Dear Mayor,

Please stop mandating the construction of flutes. You know very well that you can't play, and that pretty much no living thing in the world can.

Signed,
The actual mayor.

Dear Urist McUsurpingMayor:

I'm trying my best to sponsor an entertainment industry here. If we have enough flutes, SOMEone will learn to play them, right?

Besides, I hear that the Mayor of the next dwarffort over got a really cushy warm downstairs room and a fancy tomb when he kept mandating things. I'm figuring that that might happen to me too. Perhaps ones with flutes carved on the walls and floor?

--Urist I'mTheRealMayorVoteForMe.

[Walrusking]

Urist McCatowner,

PLEASE CONRTOL YOUR CATS! We're only one month in, and already much of the embark site is covered in squirrel corpses! This is not going to look good in our first report to the mountainhomes.

[Pencil_Art]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Urist McCatowner,

PLEASE CONRTOL YOUR CATS! We're only one month in, and already much of the embark site is covered in squirrel corpses! This is not going to look good in our first report to the mountainhomes.

Hey, He/She/It is just doing His/Her/It's job.

Onto the actual complaint:

Addressed to the Committee of Fisherdwarfs

How are your Fisherdwarfs just walking across the river? Is that possible?(clearly, yes) Are they like, really faithful or something? (No offense meant)

[CaptainGame]

Dear Armok,

Stop putting the volcanoes on tiny islands miles out in the ocean. We can't throw goblins into them if the goblins can't reach them.

Sincerely,

Someone who has not made nearly as many offerings as he would like to

[UltraMagnus]

Dear Urist McDoctor,

Yes, yes, I know you're excited about the amazing new well in the Hospital. I am too! This the very first time I've ever ordered a seperate well all just for tbe benefit of better healthcare. See, I was worried some poor injured fellow would accidentally get knocked in. See, I had the brilliant idea to put it in its own room to ensure only the able bodied medics would bother with it.

My mistake was thinking you were able-bodied. You have proven, in spectacular fashion, I shouldn't have bothered with all the plumbing and time spent on it. I need a clean well. A clean well I can no longer have thanks to your corspe at the bottom of the well.

But don't worry! I've locked the door, and no one can follow or disturb your final resting place.

Your annoyed Overseer,
Jackie

Dear Jackie,

RETURN TO AUTOBOT HEADQUARTERS AND CEASE PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES ALL DAY.

Signed, Ultry.

[Naryar]

Dear Armok,

Stop putting the volcanoes on tiny islands miles out in the ocean. We can't throw goblins into them if the goblins can't reach them.

Sincerely,

Someone who has not made nearly as many offerings as he would like to

DEAR WORSHIPPER,

THE MAGMA SEA IS A FINE REPLACEMENT FOR VOLCANOES AS FAR AS SACRIFICES GO. I KNOW VOLCANOES ARE MORE ICONIC BUT I CARE NOT ON -WHERE- THIS PARTICULAR GOBLIN BURNED TO DEATH IN MY NAME AS LONG AS IT -DID- BURNED TO DEATH IN MY NAME.

ALSO, THESE GOBLINS ARE FAITHLESS HEATHENS. IF THEY WERE MORE FAITHFUL I WOULD ALLOW THEM TO WALK ON WATER TO REACH YOUR FORTRESS AND SPILL THEIR BLOOD AND YOUR DWARVES'S BLOOD, BUT HEY. THEY'RE GOBLINS. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE GODS.

IT IS NEVERTHELESS GOOD TO HAVE A DEDICATED WORSHIPER.

HOWEVER, I DO NOT FEEL YOU HAD ENOUGH FUN LATELY AND IT DOES NOT PLEASE ME. HERE, I HAVE DROPPED A FEW DOZEN ZOMBIE ELEPHANTS JUST NEXT TO YOUR FORT. HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

SINCERELY,

ARMOK, GOD OF BLOOD

[mate888]

Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader:
Are you sure you don't have any better name for the fortress? Really?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I swear to Armok that I didn't made this up.

[CaptainGame]

Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader:
Are you sure you don't have any better name for the fortress? Really?

Dear Overseer Guy,

D^uu_uu^uu_ude, not, like, cool.

Sincerely, Urist McWhoaMan

PS: Got any plump helmets? I, like, have the munchies, man.