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[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McMason,

Nice Try. Sure, that job to build the wall has been sitting there for roughly the last 2 years, and you kept insisting you were really busy and just about to get to it. And apparently when I set an alert and told everyone to get inside, you were just about to get to it, right? That's why you immediately suspended the job, said "Oh, just about to do that, but now I can't, I guess I'll wait another year before getting back to it." Yeah, nice try. Anyway, the goblins are dead, the alert is cancelled, that means you can go out right now and build the fucking wall. Get to it.

R/OS

[TV4Fun]

Dear Urist McMayor,

We have lots of clothes in the fortress. You don't need to walk around naked. And you really don't need to throw tantrums about how embarrassed you are about being naked. All a tantrum adds to your nakedness is a propeller effect. Go look in the stockpiles or the leatherworks, trust me there's lots of stuff you can wear.

R/OS
P.S. That diplomat is still following you around, maybe you could take a break from picking up equipment from every corner of the map to go talk to him.

[Chevaleresse]

Dear Urist McHatesNature,

STOP PISSING OFF THE BADGERS. THEY'RE HALFWAY ACROSS THE MAP.

[Lost_Deep]

Dear UristMcBroker,

I know you don't like elves. That's no excuse to throw a party as soon as I tell you to get to the depot, and then proceed to party, by yourself, until the elves leave.

Seriously. You look like an idiot.

I don't care if the miner joined your party, he told ME that he was attending a meeting! A meeting, I might add, that no-one else was informed of!

[sickboy]

Dear urist mcmilitarycommander

I know you feel important, being the commander and all, but let me be truthful, you only got the job because you could do nothing else and were not in terrible physical shape, you're nowhere near as good at fighting as I need you to be, so don't get cocky and please put on the whole armor suit I assigned you... I'm telling you to wear that armor instead of your clothes yet you won't even grab it... should you fail to comply... I won't do anything, the first goblin that's gonna throw a slice towards your unprotected face will be enough of a punishment.


Signed,
your overseer

[martinuzz]

Dear Urist McHaslostamothertotragedylately,

I clearly promised you that I would not insult your mother.
And I didn't.
I did not insult her with even one single word, as I pulled the lever for excess soapmaker disposal, that sent her off to the magma.
I even told her 'have a nice flight'.

So why the **** are you tantruming?

[arbarbonif]

Dear Urist McWrestler,

I appreciate your zeal in running towards your first actual combat, the Boas were annoying the haulers and your alacrity in response is appreciated.  But you were just activated a few days ago, you don't have the kind of training that solo combat requires yet.  Perhaps waiting for one of the swordlords would have been wise, they were just a little bit behind you after all. 

But given that I have some questions about the wounds you were reporting.  How exactly did you get bitten in your back teeth and subsequently die of poison?  Boas shouldn't have poison.  Why were you french kissing mutant poisonous boa constrictors.  NEVER FRENCH KISS MUTANT POISONOUS BOA CONSTRICTORS!  Really, that is underlined twice on the first page of the dwarven military manual...

[Wrbrgrgl]

Dear Urists,

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THOSE GOBLINS ARE JUST STANDING AROUD IN FRONT OF THE CAGE TRAPS, AND BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ARE THREE LAYERS OF FORTIFICATIONS, SEVERAL UNLOADED CAGE TRAPS(your fault UristMclazycarpenter), AND MANY LOADED STONEFALL TRAPS.
FIRE THE GODDAMN BALLISTAS!
AND STOP MANAGING TO FLY AT THROUGH THE AIR AT OTHER DWARVES AND BREAK YOUR SKULL, AND THEN FALL DOWN THE STAIRCASE (looking at you UristMcOnce-A-Fisherdwarf-Now-a-Mechanic-Now-Deceased)

Sincerely,
Your overseer.

Side question, Do goblins starve?

[samanato]

Side question, Do goblins starve?

Goblins have [NO_DRINK] and [NO_EAT], so they can't starve.

[AdjustingPriorities]

Dear Urists.

Put on the steel helmets I had lovingly crafted for you BEFORE attempting to stare the GCS to death. You might live longer that way.

[Torrenal]

Dear Urist McHungry,
I understand why you wanted to watch and eat your lunch.  All jobs were completed, everyone else had left, and it was time to turn the water on.
I admit, you deserved to watch.  You helped install the plumbing.
But did you have to do so from inside the plumbing?
Did you have to bother telling me that the torrent of water upset your meal?
Above all...
Did you have to open the door to escape the plumbing, causing some 1500 urist of water to wind up where it wasn't wanted?

I am leaving instructions of 'Dump' with your corpse.
Your Overseer.

[TV4Fun]

Dear whatever jackass decided to bring the yak to the middle of a frozen wasteland that regularly gets rain of abhorrent filth,

Please read the following frequently asked questions regarding animal care in dwarf fortress:

Q: What happens when a yak has no grass to eat?
A: It starves to death.

Q: What happens when a creature starves to death in the middle of an evil biome?
A: It turns undead before anyone has a chance to move.

Q: What happens when an undead yak corpse starts rampaging around in the middle of a crowded pasture?
A: It quickly kills other animals, who also become undead, a chain reaction ensues.

Q: What happens to a pasture full of undead animals in the middle of a crowded fortress that has not had time to build doors yet?
A: They quickly leave the pasture and start killing surrounding dwarves.

Q: What happens when you have undead dwarves and undead animals rampaging around inside a fortress?
A: They rapidly outnumber the living until there is no one left to do any killing. Soon the entire fortress is undead.

Do we understand each other? Oh well, too late. I am quite confident that whoever's yak it was will be regretting the decision very quickly.

R/OS

[Chevaleresse]

Dear Urist McFarmer

It is not acceptable to allow your crops to wither because you were hungry. Really. Think about this for a second.

[94dima94]

Dear Urist McSleepy,

I know what a terrible thing sleeping on the floor is: it's cold, dusty and uncomfortable, so I understand that anyone forced to do such thing has all the rights to be upset and angry.

I also know that you were having a bad time, and more bad thoughts would have been dangerous in your situation.

That's why I had already ordered the miners to dig out all those bedrooms, then made other dwarves smooth the walls and fill them with all the furniture a dwarf needs.

Since at least 10 of them are still without any owner and properly marked as bedroom, I expected you to be able to figure out what to do when feeling drowsy; instead, you went to sleep in the tunnels, next to the miners who were digging out other bedrooms, by the way, and the bad thoughts made you go crazy and jump in the river. Isn't this an excessive reaction, by the way?

You were just an adequate woodcutter, and you didn't have many friends, so you won't be missed so much; however, you could at least have dropped your axe before doing it. Now I have to wait for the merchants before being able to cut down more trees, we're out of wood, and we probably won't have enough beds for the next migration wave.

I expect you to be a little more smart next time.

[Nikita]

Dear Urist Junior,

You are old enough to know that a civilian alert means "GET THE FUCK INSIDE", not "stand around while poking farm animals with a stick"

In light of your recent behavior, our new guest volunteered to take over your education.

Urist Junior, meet berserking werebear.
Werebear, meet Urist Junior.