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[Sutremaine]

You?

[Larix]

Indeed. "Urist, how DARE you do the exact thing I explicitly ordered you to do!" (Of course, the better atomsmashers are fully automatic and don't need a leverpuller.)

Urist McSwordsdwarf - i'm slightly alarmed by your announcement that you "admired a fine Trade Depot recently". I'm quite sure that the occasion on which you visited the depot was when you killed the human traders (by my order) and the depot was decorated with human guts at that time.

[10terrapin01]

Dear Urist,
Pulling the lever is NOT OPTIONAL. Mandatory, not optional, not even pull at your own whimsy PULL IT RIGHT NOW. Those husks aren't going to sit outside all day.

[ImagoDeo]

Dear Urist McMother,

I'm confused. Your child vanished without a trace. There is no corpse. There is no baby. There is nowhere said child could possibly have gone. We're sealed inside and there are five hundred zombies outside, and you say you lost your baby? I could personally search the entire fort in thirty seconds, and you LOST YOUR BABY?

Armok take me, I DID search the entire elfhumping fort in thirty goblinsucking seconds and found not a single trace of your child. Perhaps you hallucinated giving birth and raising a youngster? How did you convince the engraver to build a slab of a child that never existed? Armok's beard, lady...

Sincerely,
Overseer

[MrsStick]

Dear Urist,
Pulling the lever is NOT OPTIONAL. Mandatory, not optional, not even pull at your own whimsy PULL IT RIGHT NOW. Those husks aren't going to sit outside all day.

Wrong lever, Urist! (no? am I the only one thinking of that movie now?

Edited to add:

Thanks, Mosus, for my larch amulet worth a paltry 81800 dorf-bucks. Now go haul corpses. Yes, you're a legend now, but you're useless to me. Our fort is down from 150+ dwarves to 33 in two days' my time, and my first mood in months gives me a LARCH AMULET?

[wierd]

Dear Urist McMother,

I'm confused. Your child vanished without a trace. There is no corpse. There is no baby. There is nowhere said child could possibly have gone. We're sealed inside and there are five hundred zombies outside, and you say you lost your baby? I could personally search the entire fort in thirty seconds, and you LOST YOUR BABY?

Armok take me, I DID search the entire elfhumping fort in thirty goblinsucking seconds and found not a single trace of your child. Perhaps you hallucinated giving birth and raising a youngster? How did you convince the engraver to build a slab of a child that never existed? Armok's beard, lady...

Sincerely,
Overseer

Well, EXCUSE ME, Mr. Overseer!

Honestly, do you think popping out babies every few months like clockwork simply because I said "I DO" in a room full of stone chairs and tables is somehow so benal an experience, that I would somehow forget how incredibly painful childbirth is, and as such, somehow be "Confused" about having experienced such an event?

No sir, It most certainly is not, and I most certainly AM NOT.

Now, Mr "I can search the whole fortress in 30 seconds", Did you ever stop to consider that maybe my child could have wandered into one of those horrible "Atom Smashers" your lot is so terribly fond of?  Or perhaps, it may have gotten crushed to death in a mining accident?  There are many ways that a dwarf can die and leave no corporeal remains!  Treating me like a nutter just because you cant find the corpse is so delusionally wrong headed that it would be laughable if all our lives didnt hinge on your ability to make high quality descisions!  For goodness sake, the engraver wouldnt even ALLOW a memorial slab to be carved for my poor dear baby, if there had been no baby to begin with!

You and your lot are all so damned callous that you never stop to consider little things like this! If you REALLY wanted to know how my poor innocent baby met its end, you could always check "Legends mode", or some such rot-- At least so I've been led to believe anyway.

Now then-- i've important boulders to haul around futilely, and you have a fortress to run. If you really wanted to find out what happened to my child, you most certainly have the tools to find out by yourself, and have no need to cast absurd aspersions against me when things like this happen.

Now snap to it, chop chop.

[TheFlame52]

I think the best part of this topic is when the dwarves write back.

[wierd]

I admit, playing "Dear Abbey" with DF is a real kick, but finding a suitable letter to respond to can sometimes be challenging. I have more fun responding to letters than I do seeing events that would warrant writing my own.

[Urist McWhatTheHellGuys?]

Dear Urist McStrange Mood No.5

Now I know when you're struck by inspiration it's hard to control your impulses but no matter how many of you want to produce a masterpiece in glass it will never ever happen. We're on a glacier, there is no glass. There is nothing from which to make glass. And if I have to put up with having my military kill one more of you I swear I will simply start killing off new migrant waves to prevent tantrum spiralling.

Yours sincerely

The Benevolent Overseer

[ImagoDeo]

Well, EXCUSE ME, Mr. Overseer!

Honestly, do you think popping out babies every few months like clockwork simply because I said "I DO" in a room full of stone chairs and tables is somehow so benal an experience, that I would somehow forget how incredibly painful childbirth is, and as such, somehow be "Confused" about having experienced such an event?

No sir, It most certainly is not, and I most certainly AM NOT.

Now, Mr "I can search the whole fortress in 30 seconds", Did you ever stop to consider that maybe my child could have wandered into one of those horrible "Atom Smashers" your lot is so terribly fond of?  Or perhaps, it may have gotten crushed to death in a mining accident?  There are many ways that a dwarf can die and leave no corporeal remains!  Treating me like a nutter just because you cant find the corpse is so delusionally wrong headed that it would be laughable if all our lives didnt hinge on your ability to make high quality descisions!  For goodness sake, the engraver wouldnt even ALLOW a memorial slab to be carved for my poor dear baby, if there had been no baby to begin with!

You and your lot are all so damned callous that you never stop to consider little things like this! If you REALLY wanted to know how my poor innocent baby met its end, you could always check "Legends mode", or some such rot-- At least so I've been led to believe anyway.

Now then-- i've important boulders to haul around futilely, and you have a fortress to run. If you really wanted to find out what happened to my child, you most certainly have the tools to find out by yourself, and have no need to cast absurd aspersions against me when things like this happen.

Now snap to it, chop chop.

Dear Urist McMother,

The only atom smasher we're running sees essentially no use at all because we never get any garbage that requires smashing. Your shiny steel outfit never wears out, so you'll never chuck some unused XXsockXX in someone else's bed for me to clean up.

Furthermore, YOU are supposed to keep track of YOUR OWN CHILD. Need I remind you that you were supposed to be carrying the tyke until he turned one year old? Fort records do certainly show that you gave birth and carried a child for a number of months, but that child has now vanished and has left no trace of its passage.

I am holding you responsible unless some better alternative crops up. This 'Legends Mode' of which you speak may indeed yield some useful information. I'll look into it.

In the meantime, get back to hauling. We're planning a big zombie smasher so I'll need all the lever-pulling you can manage. Think you can handle that, or will the lever mysteriously vanish and leave no mechanisms behind?

-Overseer

[Panando]

I admit, playing "Dear Abbey" with DF is a real kick, but finding a suitable letter to respond to can sometimes be challenging. I have more fun responding to letters than I do seeing events that would warrant writing my own.

Ah yes, the truth is that most cases of dwarven death are preventable through efficient overseership. It doesn't change the fact that dwarves are angry little suicide monkeys that have zero survival instinct and seem hell bent on killing themselves if not kept in a the equivalent of a children's playpen with no toys small enough to choke on. And then there actually are the ones which mood up a larch earring, or demand a fine pewter bed in their office, which really just makes dwarves a realistic reflection of humans, right down to adopting a bazillion cats then going stark raving mad because the authorities take all the cats away and put them down.

[Koremu]

Furthermore, YOU are supposed to keep track of YOUR OWN CHILD. Need I remind you that you were supposed to be carrying the tyke until he turned one year old? Fort records do certainly show that you gave birth and carried a child for a number of months, but that child has now vanished and has left no trace of its passage.

Have you got a cage trap with a snatcher caught in it somewhere?

[Nyxalinth]

Indeed. "Urist, how DARE you do the exact thing I explicitly ordered you to do!" (Of course, the better atomsmashers are fully automatic and don't need a leverpuller.)

Urist McSwordsdwarf - i'm slightly alarmed by your announcement that you "admired a fine Trade Depot recently". I'm quite sure that the occasion on which you visited the depot was when you killed the human traders (by my order) and the depot was decorated with human guts at that time.

Aww, come on lad.  The red of the viscera goes so well with the stone!

[TV4Fun]

To the families of Urist McAxedwarf, Urist McHammerdwarf, and Urist McSpeardwarf,

I really don't know how this happened. I would not have thought it possible that three grown dwarves who had ostensibly been trained as warriors could be fatally impaled by a bunch of wooden training spears, but I was proved wrong. It was only a matter of days after the opening of our new danger room that your loved ones demonstrated its potential lethality. I suppose if I had provided some better armor, or indeed some armor at all to them, they might have had better luck, but we have had some rather sever resource shortages lately. Take heart though; those dwarves that were not killed have been trained as truly spectacular warriors, and the fact that your loved ones died so easily proved that they were wrong for the militia in the first place. It is indeed a fortunate thing that we found this out early, and saved them many long and painful years serving in a job for which they were poorly suited before dying a gruesome death at the hands of a minotaur, a grasshopper man, or tripping over a rock. As it is, they died below ground like good dwarves, and can be given a quick and proper burial. Hopefully we have now weeded out the weakest of our army, and further fatalities will be minimal. If deaths continue, I take solace in the teachings of one Urist McDarwin (look at his face and tell me he wasn't a dwarf), knowing that the deaths of the weakest among us will make all of us stronger.

Now stop grieving and get back to work,
The Overseer (Who is still playing DF2012 after his fortress in DF2014 crashed with a segfault after about 5 minutes and had not been saved)

[Nyxalinth]

Dear Urist McBundy family,

You, sir, detest romance, and your wife has no care for family.  I've just named you Al and Peggy Bundy, respectively,  You  kids, most which seem to think lying and other unscrupulous things are okay (one kid was pretty okay, the rest are little sociopaths in training) seem to share you traits (a couple hate romance and the others don't care about family).  While it's pretty cool that the kids (all SIX of them) have acquired traits from you both, I have to wonder how given your tendencies you even managed to have that many to begin with.  Too bad you don't absolutely detest shoes: that would have been the icing on the cake.

Your amused overseer,

Nyx