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[blazing glory]

Well the babies aren't propelled. They just kinda fall out.

Your not doing it right! fill the mothers with pressurized air! that'll send them flying!

[smurfingtonthethird]

Dear Dwarven Cavalry members:

Please stop giving birth while charging in full armour towards goblins while riding minecarts. Although mass goblin killings are a great bonding experience, taking a naked baby and using it as a shield is fairly irresponsible. Failure to comply will have you thrown into the coliseum for my further amusement.

Signed, your annoyed overseer.

[gtaguy]

Dear extremely incompetent dwarves,

The sky fort is doing nicely, except for half of it being knocked down due to a dwarf tantruming because he was stung. That wasn't what got me.

What got me was the fact you all started to flip shit and destroy all the supports. Why in Armok's name?

I can't.

- Your brooding overseer.

[smjjames]

Dear extremely incompetent dwarves,

The sky fort is doing nicely, except for half of it being knocked down due to a dwarf tantruming because he was stung. That wasn't what got me.

What got me was the fact you all started to flip shit and destroy all the supports. Why in Armok's name?

I can't.

- Your brooding overseer.

Were you removing building designations nearby? That happened to me once when I had ordered a support to be removed by accident without realizing it. At least until the dwarf removed it and caused a cavein.

[Larix]

Dear elves,

if you insist on attracting goblin ambushes that slaughter you, can you please do this somewhere more convenient? We're not going to send haulers allllll the way out there to collect your garbage, let alone your pathetic corpses. I mean, you didn't bring along a single loincloth; before we bother protecting your caravans, you should have something better to offer than a foul attitude and pieces of bent wood.

But until then, go ahead, get yourself killed and make the surface look untidy. See if we care.

Having trouble locating a shit to give about you,
the dwarfs of Ustanoddom.

[callisto8413]

Dear McBroker,

How are you doing?  Enjoying your beautiful bedroom?  You lovely private dining room?  The office I gave you?  The fact that you, and the other Nobles, have been removed from most tasks not related to your jobs.  Well, not all tasks.  I have the Duchess sewing and stuff, which is very lady like.  When she is not screaming at people.  And we can't have you doing nothing when the traders are not in, right?  Am I right?  Sure.  So you can do a few tasks not related to your job.

But I have a question...

THAN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SLEEPING WHEN I NEED YOU AT THE TRADING DEPOT?

WE NEED TRADE.  We are a metal poor Fortress!  We need to trade our wonderful mugs and other crafts for iron and steel and copper...and anything.  We only produce nickel!  Now, nothing wrong with nickel buckets and nickel jugs and nickel hives but you can't use it for WEAPONS and TOOL!

For the past four years, every time I request your presence at the depot you are drinking or eating or sleeping or on break.  ON BREAK FROM WHAT?!?!  One of the only tasks you have left is hauling.  And when the traders are in the area everybody else and I do mean EVERY. BODY. ELSE. is hauling stuff to the depot.  I mean it, much of the there are 0 idlers.  ZERO!  NOBODY slacks off when the traders come in.  No, I stand corrected.   Sometimes there is one idler.  YOU!  WHERE are you hauling stuff?  Are you hauling stuff away from the depot? 

And half of the time (oh yes, I wrote it down after a few years) the record shows that you are ON BREAK or sleeping!

Even putting a barrow, just for you, on the depot does not seem to do it.

So, after some debate I have decided what I need to do is make it so you can't sleep.  I will fill your bedroom with beds.  And I will fill your office with beds.  And I will fill your dining room with beds.  Wherever there is no a cabinet or a chair or another object I will place a bed.  And I will assign all the babies to the beds.  Or kids if I run out of babies.  And as the kids become adults they will be moved out and other babies or kids moved in. 

You are now daycare.  Don't THINK I won't do it! 

If that fails I will assign you to one of the houses on the surface.  You know, with the wall to wall beds.  The houses right next to the noisy workshops.  At least you will be closer to the depot.

And if that fails I will search all the Dwarfs' stats and skills to replace you and have you turned into the first Hauler.  ALL you will do is clean, haul, and bring people water and food.  That is all you will do.  I will make a class of Haulers and you will be the founder. No, no, I will not call them Haulers.  I will call them BUTLERS!

With great hate,

The Overseer.

PS - Don't THINK I WON'T!  To be honest, you are the only Dwarf who is pissing me off.  The Mayor is a great miner, the military know how to fight and the Duchess can be amusing sometimes (and her husband is a good Militia Captain).  Yes, the other Dwarfs come across as lazy but let's be honest, I am working most of them to death on surface work.  They are bound to fall asleep on their feet or pass out or get sick from too much sun.  YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE!

[Larix]

Dear overseer,

query the depot, set the "b" option to
"anyone may trade"

Problem solved.

And why do you keep requesting the broker when he's eating, sleeping, drinking or on break? Talk about bad timing.

(For the merchants' margin, social skills of the trader may matter (negotiator, flatterer, judge of intent...), but to see the value ratings, the broker's appraisal skill is always used, whether it's the broker or someone else who's actually trading. And a broker who doesn't broke won't have notable social skills for trading anyway, so you're not losing much, if anything.)

PS - well, perhaps you shouldn't do this after all. I mean, it'd just remove a neverending source of incoherent boiling anger. And going by this thread, the opportunity to be incredibly angry at tiny bearded virtual people is a popular reason to play the game.

[smjjames]

Dear, Olon Hailedcopper, Captian of the guard,

You useless fool, there is a vampire on a killing spree and people have reported the crime and what are you doing, sitting in the beer hall drinking when you should be arresting the vampire! She's about to snack on her third victim in a row since being released from eternal prision in a failed attempt to fix a healthcare glitch that particular dwarf has!

I don't care if you're thirsty, justice takes precedence.

You. Are. FIRED!

Your pissed off Overseer.

Also, I'm a Duchy now, if that matters, but shouldn't the captian of the guard arrest criminals anyway? I have a jail.

Edit: The third victim woke up before the vampire could start feeding, at least.

EDIT: NOW you do the chain animal job after I fired you?!?!? You're still fired anyway.

[BumbleMead]

Dear Urist McLiason,
 
While there are a number of issues with the current airlock system, I really do think you'd maybe be happier just going through it than playing tag with the zombies on the surface. Also, if you die over here in the serene part of the map I won't have to worry about you rising from the grave. It's okay! You can come inside now! We have booze and noblemen and everything.

-Bumblemead

[Erils]

Dear Urist McAngry,

You were the one who threw a tantrum in your sleep and destroyed your own bed. You're going to have to wait a bit for a new one seeing as wood is in short supply and there are many dwarves who need beds more than you.

From
Your annoyed Overseer

[lazygun]

Dear military dwarves.

Please make note that when the entire military is given the order to 'attack', it does not mean 'fill waterskin' They do not even have the same number of letters. Of course, seeing the entire military leaving the entrance unguarded during a goblin siege does not make your overseer happy. You have completely failed at the entire purpose of your existence. Especially since this is version 0.23.130.23a in which items cannot be forbidden and dwarves with orders to 'stay inside' don't bother paying attention to that until the moment the sunshine starts to dry up their beards. Oh! The carnage in the entrance hall!

Well, it's time to rethink the defences. What I need is some kind of system where goblins are baited into a trap. And guess who is going to be the bait?

[BumbleMead]

Dear pretty much everyone,

Sorry about the trouble with the bridges. I promise that the levers are now correctly labelled and hooked up. There shouldn't be anymore of these 'mysterious' incidents in which residents and their pets are atom-smashed by accident. There's a gold dining hall downstairs, please don't tantrum again.

        -Bumblemead

[YHVH]

Dear Urist McDipshit,
Please pull the lever saying Contains Fun.
Your asshole overseer

[the1337doofus]

A note to the fort of Crystalglazed:

 YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU INCOMPETENT, BUMBLING IDIOTS! NO LONGER SHALL YOU DEFY MY WILL, FOR YOUR DOOM IS IMPENDING! HENCEFORTH, ALL OF THE FORTRESS RESIDENTS ARE ASSIGNED COPPER SWORDS AND ARMOUR, AND ORDERED TO REPORT TO THE ADAMANTINE VEIN IN THE FORGES. May Armok have mercy on your souls.

An addendum to the lucky few who survived and beat back the circus: How the fuck?! Whatever. Not going to question you idiots. Now clean up this mess and get back to making - -Golden Goblets- -

[Blazinganvil1]

Dear marksdwarves of the Mountainhome Rocksnourished,
FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK, GO USE THE DAMN ARCHERY RANGE!! DON'T JUST STAND IN THE DINING HALL PERFORMING THE NOT-JOB "Go To Archery Practice"!! I KNOW you are active duty, and I KNOW you are assigned to the range. AND I KNOW you have plenty of assigned ammo! There are only about 1000 bolts waiting in the stockpile!

Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!

Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.