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[WoobMonkey]

Dear Urist McMinercicle:

     Either you're a genious of performance art, or a complete and utter waste of skin.  The way you chose to channel into the aquifer from directly above, with full prior knowledge that any exposed water would freeze instantly in this tundra, is beyond me.  I must admit, you look... peaceful, serene even, encased in your frozen display rack.

     At least, I imagine that you do.  Since you took our only pick with you into your little tomb, there, we have no way of digging you out to see.

     So, I'm going with option b: 'waste of skin.'

     Sincerely, <alt+tab><'die'>

[IronTomato]

Dear peasants and cheese makers:

Do you see that hole in the floor, right there? That's called a well. When you're standing right next to it, don't complain about being thirsty, because water comes out of it.

You don't need to go all the way back outside to get a drink out of some nasty puddle.

Sincerely,
~IronTomato

[Thief]

Dear UristMCPriest
Stop eating you destroyed all of the seeds im on a siege,And you killed everyone not even my military could stop you
 P.S:How big is your stomach.

[bleekmiddel]

Dear dwarves,
Don't place your wagon on a frozen pool, because things melt and then you lose all your drinks and foodlog and seeds

with unkind regrets, your overseer

[Nyxalinth]

Dear Urist McVampire,

You had a zillion useless workers and children to pick from. why not them?  No, you had to pick my Countess/Legendary Hammerdwarf, who during The Great Thirst of 92 killed 5 berserk dwarves with her crossbow (she came to the fort as a hunter) and gained herself a title. My Countess, whom I hand-picked for not only her her heroism but her agreeable personality (she only ever wanted animal traps and low boots to be made, unlike my Mayor, who always demands traction benches...

Jerk.  Enjoy being walled in for eternity.

the Overseer of Crystalgear

(Said Great Thirst occurred in a freezing biome.  I got two HUGE migrant waves in a row, going from 50 dwarves to over 90, then as soon as I got caught up from that three more, pushing me to 160 and my efforts at playing catch-up on the booze finally gave out.  Dwarves died of thirst, tantrum spiral and berserk dwarves ensued, taking me down to 29.  It gave me time to catch up, though, now I have plenty of booze for 100 dwarves.)

Dear Mayor of Crystalgear,

what is it with you and traction benches?  Please don't ever demand one in your bedroom; medical fetishes are jut damn creepy.  I'll make them, though beyond making a huge hospital, I'm not sure what to do with them all.

Your Puzzled Overseer

[Iamblichos]

Dear Urist Novice Cheesemaker:

I think it's time we had a little posthumous chat.

You may have noticed that I took a low opinion of your skills (such as they were) when you came to my fort.  All you ever did was loaf around, eating and drinking, and you had nothing useful you could do.  I didn't have time to train you up.  You may have wondered why the therapist started calling you your new nickname, "Useless".  Well, yeah... that was me.

Still, at the end, when I needed that 45 z-level well shaft dug down to the cavern lake, you were the dwarf I picked.  You did a wonderful job, and I noted that on your slab.  Sorry about that last drop, but hey, you said you were thirsty midway down... drink up, my friend.

Sincerely,

Your Overseer

[IronTomato]

Dear Urist Novice Cheesemaker:

I think it's time we had a little posthumous chat.

You may have noticed that I took a low opinion of your skills (such as they were) when you came to my fort.  All you ever did was loaf around, eating and drinking, and you had nothing useful you could do.  I didn't have time to train you up.  You may have wondered why the therapist started calling you your new nickname, "Useless".  Well, yeah... that was me.

Still, at the end, when I needed that 45 z-level well shaft dug down to the cavern lake, you were the dwarf I picked.  You did a wonderful job, and I noted that on your slab.  Sorry about that last drop, but hey, you said you were thirsty midway down... drink up, my friend.

Sincerely,

Your Overseer

Poor little bugger. Having to drink cavern water instead of booze.

[Thief]

Dear Human
Why am i not able to load my savegames my Dwarves are dieing...I think?
 

[Baffler]

To the Archers of Bladehorn,

I don't often try to make ranged squads precisely because of silliness like this, but because this is an aboveground settlement it couldn't really be avoided. That is why I drafted you peasants into the military in the first place. You've all been outfitted with =oaken bows= and all the wood arrows you can carry for training. I watched the lot of you stumble into the archery range and fire off all the arrows in your quivers at the targets, then go off to get some more. I made sure you actually did get new ones, then went off to plan the houses you're all living in.

That was a year ago last week. It's not like I just forgot about you, a check to the units screen every once in awhile showed that at least some of you were "going to archery practice" most of the time. When that thief was spotted outside your range, I was eager to see you in action. Why was it then, that you all arrived no more skilled than you left that first training session with? An investigation after your embarrassing failure to kill the kobold despite firing nearly 100 arrows at it revealed the answer. I found one of you who was "going to archery practice" afterward, only to find you loafing around the well, and showing no signs of doing otherwise. Your entire squad is to report to the marked off area under the drawbridge at once. You won't be needing your gear.

You will not be missed,
The Jarl of Bladehorn (Norse Fortress mod)

[Bumber]

You've all been outfitted with =oaken bows= and all the wood bolts you can carry for training.

By =oaken bows= do you mean crossbows or...?

[Baffler]

No, they're bows. And I did use arrows, I just called them that out of habit. The post has been edited.

[Iamblichos]

Dear Baron Idiot:

It is NOT POSSIBLE to make a bed out of trifle pewter, no matter how much you demand it.  It's not.  Can't be done.  Go down to the red lake, pull the lever, and enjoy.

Perhaps your successor will be more reasonable.

Overseer

[klefenz]

Dear Urist McHateBabies

I really appreciate the fact that you resuced that miner who got wonded during the cave-in, it would have been nice to also get her baby who got injured as well. The poor girl had to crawl all the way back up on her own, with a broken arm. No wonder why goblins keep snatching them.

The Overseer.


Dear Urist McHammer

You have proven to be a hero during the last raid, killing 6 goblins and one troll and recieving an injury in your right arm, now could you please, please, please go to the hospital to get treatment so you can hold you hammer again instead of standing in the barracks all day pretending to do compat drills (without weapon)?

The Overseer.

[Dwarf4Explosives]

Dear Baron Idiot:

It is NOT POSSIBLE to make a bed out of trifle pewter, no matter how much you demand it.  It's not.  Can't be done.  Go down to the red lake, pull the lever, and enjoy.

Perhaps your successor will be more reasonable.

Overseer

Actually, you can't get successors to barons and similar nobles...luckily.

[poisoned_salami]

Dear every dwarf in Renownspear:
   For Armok's sake, stop burying the zombies in those coffins. While yes, they are dwarves, they are unknown dwarves, brought here by an evil necromancer. The coffins are for OUR dead only.
      Poisoned Salami

Dear Urist McEngineer,
Seriously, get to work. Our stone-fall traps are all unloaded. We have plenty of rocks lying around. You know what to do.
      Poisoned Salami

Dear Urist McSiegeoperator:
Ballistae are weapons. They WILL kill the mean goblins outside our door. I understand that they are scary, but really, have some faith in our defenses. Shoot an arrow through those fortifications, and kill some stuff. Stop running away from the goblins, and DO YOUR JOB.
      Poisoned Salami

Dear Gobbo McIsAGoblin:
Stop being scary and let my siege operators kill you.
       Poisoned Salami

Dear Armok:
May I request a few smitings? Contact me, and we'll discuss our options.
      Poisoned Salami