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[ImagoDeo]

Dear Stupid Urist McBroker,

I was slightly put off pissed the Boatmurdered off recently to see you taking a break, which I'm sure was absolutely necessary totally idiotic. Following it up with handing water to that poor soul was truly a blessed action so Deathgatingly stupid that I nearly choked. Whatever the case, your actions unfortunately almost bloody fatally delayed our trading with the caravan from the Mountainhome.

We were unable to acquire the necessary supplies from the traders since you weren't around to provide your invaluable services. We didn't get our booze, our food, or our gems because of your Battlefaileding incompetence in getting your lazy ass up to the Armok-damn trade depot! In light of recent near-starvation conditions, and a total lack of any alcohol, it was quite inconsiderate of you to neglect your duties. You're a crundle-hugging, elf-loving, cat-stroking excuse for a dwarf. How could you possibly forget that we were all bloody starving?! Most of us haven't had a drink in months!

Some disciplinary action may come your way. We trust you'll understand why, and change your ways in future. We're going to lynch you. Get the chain, boys! I'll go chop a channel for the magma!

Thank you for your time. I wonder how you'll look as a !!Dwarf!!.

Wishing you all the best, Hoping Armok rots your soul with Forgotten Beast Extract,
The Management Those Guys You Pissed The Boatmurdered Off

[lazygun]

That's why the "anyone can trade" option exists.

[the1337doofus]

That's why the "anyone can trade" option exists.

Yeah, but if anyone can trade, you won't get values for items, meaning you'll have to guess on the worth of your trades. Plus, who doesn't like a good dwarf lynching?

[Larix]

That's why the "anyone can trade" option exists.

Yeah, but if anyone can trade, you won't get values for items, meaning you'll have to guess on the worth of your trades.

Not true. All value displays in a fortress check whether the _broker_ has appraisal skill, nothing else, and that includes the trading screen. I have my depots set to 'anyone may trade' all the time and never need to guess.

If you depend on the first dwarf caravan to actually _get_ enough appraisal skill, that's easy to achieve with 'anybody may trade' - just wait until a dwarf takes the trading job, then make _that_ dwarf your broker. Then trade, and your new broker will have a shiny new appraisal skill and you get all your value ratings.

Plus, who doesn't like a good dwarf lynching?

Granted, that's a valid point.

Dear Urist McLyemaker a.k.a. care to remind us why we nominated you for ennoblement?

Yes, we're also a bit worn out on this fort, so there hasn't been much call for your legendary lye-making skills (although we much appreciate having about 200 bars of rock nut soap). But your fervent use of your mandating powers whenever you can take time out from your busy schedule of hauling rocks, chatting with outpost liaisons and spawning dwarf babies with your wife, the mayor, is getting tiresome. "Make spears!" "Make mittens!" "Make more spears!" "Lest I forget, don't you dare export the precious Mittens!" etc. ad nauseam.

The more annoying habits are of course the mitten export bans, because they make it unreasonably difficult to get rid of your Xpig tail left gloveX and xsheep wool right mittenxs. As for the spears, we'll just humour you and place a lot of upright ☼silver spear☼ around the fortress and make a speardwarf squad entirely drafted from your offspring. If we ever run out of ideas, we _might_ go and build a spear delivery minecart route, sending spears just to your bedroom. Depends on how much you like your spears and how many you mandate...

Cheers,
the forge and mechanics union.

[smjjames]

Yeah its annoying when the broker is on break or is way too busy doing something (unless I can cancel it by turning off the jobs in DT), so I just use anybody can trade in that case.

[the1337doofus]

stuff

....I never knew that. Well, you sir just taught me something incredibly useful. Also, magma. The answer to your problem is large amounts of magma, as he's a lye maker, and even if he's good at it, lye makers are quite common. So magma, or anything that will induce death in him.

[jcochran]

Yes, we're also a bit worn out on this fort, so there hasn't been much call for your legendary lye-making skills (although we much appreciate having about 200 bars of rock nut soap). But your fervent use of your mandating powers whenever you can take time out from your busy schedule of hauling rocks, chatting with outpost liaisons and spawning dwarf babies with your wife, the mayor, is getting tiresome. "Make spears!" "Make mittens!" "Make more spears!" "Lest I forget, don't you dare export the precious Mittens!" etc. ad nauseam.

And that's why when my population approaches 80 or so, I start to look at the personalities of all my dwarves until I find a half dozen or so candidates who don't like any objects and write their names down so when the liaison asks for a candidate, I have a nice innocent name available who when ennobled won't be issuing mandates left and right. It's OK to like certain colors, creatures, foods, drinks. But someone who likes crowns? Nope, not on the list. Spears? Nope. Not gonna nominate him either. Bolts? .... maybe ... if no one else is available. But the ideal noble is one who has no likes and is otherwise in a useless position. Unfortunately, mayors are a different issue. Yes, I can replace the current mayor with one of my choice, but that is just temporary and within a year, a different annoying mayor is elected..... hmmm... Perhaps if I find a mayor candidate and remove all labors from him or her so they can just simply socialize in the meeting area? That might make 'em popular enough to get elected. But it's ... iffy.

[Eric Blank]

You can try buying populations animal-men off the elves and hope that they socialize enough to get elected mayor. You'll need quite a few of one species, though. Breeding them is always a possibility.

[narhiril]

You can try buying populations animal-men off the elves and hope that they socialize enough to get elected mayor. You'll need quite a few of one species, though. Breeding them is always a possibility.

Just make sure you feed them.  My cave swallow woman mayor starved to death.

[Eric Blank]

Oh, yeah. They can't be caged or pastured, because sentient pets need to eat, and dwarves won't bring them food or water. Alternatively, animal-men of varieties which would normally require grazing must be provided proper pastures along with an included water source, because they must graze.

[smjjames]

Oh, yeah. They can't be caged or pastured, because sentient pets need to eat, and dwarves won't bring them food or water. Alternatively, animal-men of varieties which would normally require grazing must be provided proper pastures along with an included water source, because they must graze.

Actually, technically you can pasture them since the interface allows it and I have used it to move a tiger man quickly somewhere. However, Eric is right on that point, unless you have a food and water source in the pasture, they will starve or die of thirst.

Not sure what a cave swallowman would eat though, seeds?

[shadenight123]

sorry. sorry. forgive me. couldn't resist.

...

Not sure what a cave swallowman would eat though, seeds?

I'm sure he'll...swallow anything.

oh god...I feel...I'm sorry, But I couldn't let it rest!

[the1337doofus]

Dear Ponies of Bucklace;

Stop....err..... actually, you're doing good. Keep up the good work, and you shall be rewarded with nicer houses and little things that make life better for you simple little guys.

- Expedition leader Doof

[gabrek]

Dear Os Ledinul, McCraftsdwarf;

Regarding your excitement as you kicked in the door to my office, screaming from your self satisfaction, brandishing the following item:

Rakustaral, an alpaca wool right mitten. Or "Tombswoman," you've taken to calling it.

Initially, our broker appraised this item at being worth a staggering 372,440 urists. "This is a(sic) alpaca wool right mitten!" he exclaimed. "All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality! It is studded with adamantine, decorated with cat leather and encircled with bands of sheep wool, elk bone and fungiwood. It is made from alpaca wool cloth, and the thread is emerald with emerald dye. This object menaces with spikes of tower-cap!"
He went on to tell me that on the item is an image of.. Tombswoman, the alpaca right wool mitten.. in alpaca wool. And an image of Tombswoman, the alpaca right wool mitten, in cat leather. And an image of Tombswoman, the alpaca right wool mitten, in fungiwood.
I am an understanding McNoble. If you get the crazy idea to waste hundreds of thousands of urists worth of material and materiel making a single mitten, with three pictures of itself on it, each one so detailed as to include the three pictures of itself on each of the pictures of itself, each of which also has three pictures of itself, pictures included, on it, and so on... go for it. Urist McEngineer has marveled at the detail, which apparently reaches quantum level. I don't mind you locking yourself inside a workshop for a week straight screaming about our bone supply. This mitten is beautiful, it's miraculously perfect, and it's completely without value to anyone in the fortress...

...except to you, it seems. What I DO object to is you locking yourself in my office for a week straight afterwards. We all know Bim Balnil engraved that controversial and masterful image of Urist McSoldier starving to death, depressed from being naked when she was locked up for accidentally killing a McCraftsdwarf during a routine beating. Locking yourself in there with your legendary right wool mitten.
You are assigned to nothing but CLEANING duty until every "pool of Os Ledinul's dwarf goo" is out of my office. Otherwise that mitten is going straight into the volcano with you still wearing it.



Dear Bim Balnil, McMason;

I do not appreciate the masterful image of Os Ledinul "triumphantly holding" that fucking mitten being engraved in the main dining hall. Children eat there, you sick bastard.

-Gabrek McNoble

[IronTomato]

Dear Tower Guard,

When I told you to kill those crundles, which are running around hurting people, I meant for you to do it NOW.

-IronTomato