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[Eric Blank]

Dear Brewer Vampire,
     While your services as head brewer have been greatly appreciated here at Deerbasements...

Your slightly miffed overseer,
      Lone Chipmunk

P.S. Just so you know, this is not an attempt to wall you into a location because you ate our best planter. Not even close.

While he's busy pushing papers you can also set up a still (and possibly a farm plot) in his chambers, and have him grow and brew in privacy. It'd be a rather elaborate setup, but you could dump barrels and plants (if you don't give him a farm plot) down one chute into his quarters with a food stockpile at the bottom so plants don't rot, give him the order to brew like mad, and then order him to dump them down another chute that gives your dwarves access to the prepared booze. In this way he could, at least when you're willing to pay attention to him, ply his trade and supply some legendary drinks for your dwarves over the years.

[LoneChipmunk]

While he's busy pushing papers you can also set up a still (and possibly a farm plot) in his chambers, and have him grow and brew in privacy. It'd be a rather elaborate setup, but you could dump barrels and plants (if you don't give him a farm plot) down one chute into his quarters with a food stockpile at the bottom so plants don't rot, give him the order to brew like mad, and then order him to dump them down another chute that gives your dwarves access to the prepared booze. In this way he could, at least when you're willing to pay attention to him, ply his trade and supply some legendary drinks for your dwarves over the years.

I believe I have set up his housing arrangements in such a way that I could do something like that. However, right now I need him to focus on managing the fort and not trying to brew. He is a lousy manager and bookkeeper at this time, but that is to be expected. My fort is, at this moment, barely hanging in there and because of this, my attention must be focused elsewhere at this time.

Speaking of which;

Dear Urist McCaravanGuard,
     While I commend your comrade's bravery in trying fending off the not one, not two, but THREE goblin ambushes that arose when someone tread into the southern forest (hereafter refered to the Forest of Doom), it is sad to see him pincushioned by goblin archers and left laying on the ground to die while you and the other dozen of you sit in my overcrowded Trade Depot. In the future, please note on your way out the 5 urist wide stretch between the channel and the Gates and the ballista battery lined up to fire down that little length of dirt.

Friends don't let friends die by pincushioning.
     Lone Chipmunk

[Lielac]

YOU. DWARVEN MONSTER-CHILD POSSESSED BY UNKNOWN FORCES.

THAT CRAFTDWARF'S SHOP? IS FOR STRAND EXTRACTION. AS SEEN BY THE FACT THAT I PLUNKED IT DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CANDY. IT IS NOT FOR YOUR SIX-YEAR-OLD MOODINESS. IT IS ESPECIALLY NOT FOR YOUR SIX-YEAR-OLD MOODINESS WHEN IT WON'T EVEN GET ME A GODDAMN LEGENDARY STONECRAFTER. FUCK OFF.

OH, WHAT'S THAT? YOU ONLY WANTED ONE STONE FOR YOUR LITTLE ARTS AND CRAFTS PROJECT SO NOW I CAN'T FORBID THE CANDY YOU GRABBED WITHOUT MAKING YOU GO CRACKERS? WELL THAT'S JUST FUCKING SWELL. AT LEAST I HAVE DISPLAY CASES SO I CAN MAKE USE OF WHATEVER SHITTY EXCUSE FOR AN ARTIFACT YOU CREATE.

FUCK YOU VERY MUCH,

YOUR OVERSEER

[LoneChipmunk]

Dear Dwarves of Deerbasements,
     From this point forward we are on lockdown. The 4 goblin ambushes (including the one that resulted in the spear goblin in the larder) have driven our population so far down that, at this point, we can no longer handle such loses. Thankfully, we have enough food to last us years, and maybe, just maybe, we will be able to rebuild.
     Also, congradulations on becoming part of Deerbasement's first Citizens Defense Force. Please line up for your turn on the training ballista.
Your very upset overseer,
     Lone Chipmunk

P.S.
     Please stop running infront of the ballista. This is no time to commit suicide.

[the1337doofus]

Notice to all fortress members;

Please, for the love of all that is armok-y, learn to use a single file line. This past month, we've lost 10 important citizens to being knocked off the volcano edge into the magma/lava, and we can't afford to lose any more dwarves. Every time you cluster around the opening, you risk knocking your fellow dwarves into the lava along with the trash you've been ordered to dump in.

- Overseer Doof.

Is there a way to prevent this kind of thing from happening? I ordered a dumping of random garbage into the volcano, and I lost a few dwarves to the volcano somehow.

[Gamerlord]

Dwarves of -insert name of any fort of mine here-
Please refrain for parking your wagon at the edge of the volcano when you first arrive. I now the view is nice, but the inevitable dwarf-animal fights cause too many immolations for your behaviour to continue.
Your Exasperated Overlord

[Gamerlord]

-FUCKING DOUBLE POSTS-

[Dolwin]

Spoiler: Volcano Deaths (click to show/hide)

Notice to all fortress members;

Please, for the love of all that is armok-y, learn to use a single file line. This past month, we've lost 10 important citizens to being knocked off the volcano edge into the magma/lava, and we can't afford to lose any more dwarves. Every time you cluster around the opening, you risk knocking your fellow dwarves into the lava along with the trash you've been ordered to dump in.

- Overseer Doof.

Is there a way to prevent this kind of thing from happening? I ordered a dumping of random garbage into the volcano, and I lost a few dwarves to the volcano somehow.

Dear Overseer,
Perhaps a guard rail for the ramp leading up to the volcano would secure the path.  Then we could build a floor and guard rail over the mouth of the volcano itself, along with a hatch cover to prevent falling into the garbage dumping hole.
On the plus side, magma is a pretty shade of red.  Some of us get happy thoughts from the pretty color, so the death isnt that bad.

Sincerely,
Magma explorers union #37

[Splint]

Notice to all fortress members;

Please, for the love of all that is armok-y, learn to use a single file line. This past month, we've lost 10 important citizens to being knocked off the volcano edge into the magma/lava, and we can't afford to lose any more dwarves. Every time you cluster around the opening, you risk knocking your fellow dwarves into the lava along with the trash you've been ordered to dump in.

- Overseer Doof.

Is there a way to prevent this kind of thing from happening? I ordered a dumping of random garbage into the volcano, and I lost a few dwarves to the volcano somehow.

Depending on where the dump site is you may be losing dwarves to magma mist.

[Gentlefish]

Lever-operated hatch aw yeah.

[wierd]

Dump zone on a bridge works too.

[the1337doofus]

A notice to Akwhateveryournameis the Metalwraith;

 Yes, we get it, you dislike dwarves for mining out the mountains. However, I feel that your 35 dwarf killing spree was unnecessary. You could have simply scheduled a meeting with the expedition leader, but instead you knocked his head off his shoulders. Shame on you for being so violent, there's children here! In fact, they're pretty much all that's left after you stupidly wandered into a cage trap going for that boulder crab.

 To the random stray boulder crab I put outside the door to catch thieves;

 Good on ya' mate. Rest in piece, I'll make sure your chitin is made into a fine bracelet.

 To the group of migrants of Summer of 54;

 You have perhaps saved the fortress, you shall be rewarded. If only you weren't all peasants. What in the bloody hell am I supposed to do to salvage this blood-coated wreck of a fortress with skilless peasants, just haul it back to it's previous state?

-Your very irritated overseer, Doof.

[Eric Blank]

You can try putting them all on masonry duty to build coffins and slabs, and engrave and install them and entomb the dead before the dead increase the number of the dead by making the peasants dead.

[the1337doofus]

You can try putting them all on masonry duty to build coffins and slabs, and engrave and install them and entomb the dead before the dead increase the number of the dead by making the peasants dead.

I should probably do that........... unfortunately, that advice is for future fortresses now, because a wave of warlock thieves (in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm playing Masterwork) got in and one of them happened to be a necro. My little dwarven posterior was not ready.

[Pinstar]

Dear Urist McPumpoperator

I appreciate your enthusiasm for your job. I built a pump next to the ocean to both draw up some water and desalinate it and you ran right to it when I asked for someone to operate it. I even made a channel on the other end for the water to drain into after you pumped it.

However, you must have been trying impress somebody because you went at that pump like it was a freaking Olympic sport, pumped so much water that it overwhelmed the ditch, flooded onto the ground and washed you away into the ocean.

Perhaps in the next life you'll learn to take it easier.