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[kero42]

Dear Elven Merchant:

How the fuck did you fall into my river together with your donkey?
I am deeply sorry that you broke your spine when you fell down the waterfall and then died, but seriously, the bridge is wide, how did you fall?

Do you know your superiors now think I stole all the stuff you left in my river after falling? See what you done, you little tree hugger?

Sincerely,
 - Fort Overseer.

He's trying to provoke a diplomatic incident, give the elves an excuse to swoop in riding unicorns and murder your dwarves. Perhaps it's a covert elven splinter cell, or maybe the elders know all about it. Personally, I believe the Kobolds are behind it all, maybe trying to distract you with a dwarf-elf war while they steal your stuff.

Dear Urist McHunter,

            Honestly, there are better times to be hunting, goblin ambushes are dangerous, and you will replace the loyal dwarf who is currently in hospital recovering from the damage he took saving your useless ass. Enjoy being the leader of your very own squad, "DoomedCrutches". Cavern exploration begins tomorrow, and I promise to promote you to Adamantine spire guard, should you be available when the opportunity presents itself. *)

    With all the respect you are due,
                                                Kero

[Larix]

Dear Elven Merchant:

How the fuck did you fall into my river together with your donkey?
I am deeply sorry that you broke your spine when you fell down the waterfall and then died, but seriously, the bridge is wide, how did you fall?

Just to be a killjoy and give a proper answer:
All units consider 'shallow' water as perfectly pathable, which unfortunately includes the shallow water just above a waterfall; and as long as they consider a tile pathable, they make absolutely no distinction between a 100% safe bridge and a 100% deadly riverbed. The last few tiles before the fall itself don't have ramps, which mitigates the issue a bit but doesn't completely remove it. If any traders have to cross a river with a waterfall to get to you, you better build an extra ten tiles of wall on the riverbank, just to prevent suicide pathing. It was much worse in earlier versions, btw.

Incidentally, the worst you can expect from the elven civ are more poorly-stocked caravans. Currently it's virtually impossible to really anger them unless you edit the game files.

Dear Elk Bird,
we were a bit annoyed when you refused to leave the map for most of a season, after the rest of your flock had already left. But since you were very co-operative when we sent the axedwarf squad to remove you from the map, everything is forgiven and we happily welcome you to our larder.

[aiseant]

Dear everybody in this sh*thole you consider to be your Town,

I have no idea how you manage that, but please stop dropping stuffs everywhere for no reason. Seriously, how can you explain that 80% of you little careless smurfs spend most of your time carrying stuff all around the fort and not working ? I don't even know how we could still have anything to carry around, as you work so rarely that we produce basically nothing. Stop that, I'm annoyed to spend my time Therapisting your haulings labors.

Sincerely yours,

OCD Overseer


Nota : and why the bloody hell don't you use all the nice wheelbarrows to go a little faster ?!

[mate888]

Dear dying giant wombat:
Why you not die?!

And also, dear hunter:
You still have blots, go kill him you asshole!

Sincerly.
Your mama

[IronTomato]

Dear Every Civilian:

Our soldiers all just died horrible deaths. The solution for that is not to run onto the battlefield for no reason and get yourself killed.

~Irontomato

[WanderingKid]

Dear Every Civilian:

Our soldiers all just died horrible deaths. The solution for that is not to run onto the battlefield for no reason and get yourself killed.

~Irontomato

But!  But!  Armok... Look at their SOCKS!  I MUST HAVE THEIR SOCKS!

[mate888]

Dear Frogman:
I don't want to know why or how you entered my fort, neither I care about the child you pushed of a 20 z-levels waterfall, but his parents do, so stop it, you ruined my fort pushing that little bastard.

Dear Urtist Mc Theshittiestmilitiaever:
Shoot the frogman on the face! Not on the foot, not in the crotch, in the face!

Dear Shiosdhdfijsohxibiringui, kobold thief:
My fort is on a delicate tantrum situation rigth now, a couple is punching the mayor, the militia is being fucked up by a frogman, so leave that iron dagger on the floor and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

[kero42]

Dear Frogman:
I don't want to know why or how you entered my fort, neither I care about the child you pushed of a 20 z-levels waterfall, but his parents do, so stop it, you ruined my fort pushing that little bastard.

Dear Urtist Mc Theshittiestmilitiaever:
Shoot the frogman on the face! Not on the foot, not in the crotch, in the face!

Dear Shiosdhdfijsohxibiringui, kobold thief:
My fort is on a delicate tantrum situation rigth now, a couple is punching the mayor, the militia is being fucked up by a frogman, so leave that iron dagger on the floor and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET*  )

[gunpowdertea]

[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET*  )

And to think that they called you MAD! HOW could they? but this will SHOW THEM! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!!

[kero42]

[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET*  )

And to think that they called you MAD! HOW could they? but this will SHOW THEM! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!!

I feel I should point out that I am yet to actually be called mad for knowing The Truth yet. Otherwise, thanks for the moral support, lol.

[RLS0812]

Dear Hunters:
 I have recently breached a massive cave system, however I am unable to seal it off right now due to a massive engineering "issue" .
Please stop going into the deepest caverns to find animals to hunt. I'm seriously getting tired of sending my ax dwarves down to rescue you's all the time.

[Rokh]

Dear Urist McPlanter:

No, we didn't run out of plump helmet spawn. I don't know what you understand by "run out", but where I come from, having a stock of 5.000 of 'em doesn't count as "running out".

Sincerely yours,
Me.

[Baffler]

Dear Tekkud Rathastis, Chief Mason,

When I set out with the intent of building a castle aboveground, I knew that I would need a lot of stonework done early. That's why I brought you and your two subordinates along. To expedite the initial building process. You must have known this, so why is it that only one of you is ever working at a time? There are plenty of boulders to make into blocks, and plenty of constructions have already been planned. Yet you and Inod are always drinking, sleeping, or "on break" while Tobul does all the work. We are NOT taking shelter underground, so our survival depends on your hard work. We've already spotted dingoes across the river, and giant thirps flying around the top of the hill. They seem to be pretty common in this area.

Food for thought,
The Administration

[Urist MacNoob]

[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET*  )

And to think that they called you MAD! HOW could they? but this will SHOW THEM! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!!

THEY'LL RUE THE DAY THEY SCORNED KERO42! BLOOD TO ARMOK! SOCKS TO ARMOK!

Dear Were-Coyote,

GET A NEW JOB AND A PROPER BEARD-STYLE, ELF. YOU ONLY KILLED ONE ANIMAL. ONE. AN ANGRY CHILD FLAILING HIS FISTS AT AN INFANT DID THRICE THAT MUCH DAMAGE TO THIS FORTRESS. YOU WERE OUTDONE BY A SEVEN YEAR OLD THAT COULDN'T STAND HAVING HIS DINGLE SPOTTED. YOU ARE -NOTHING-, AND IF I SEE YOU AROUND THIS TOWN AGAIN I WILL SELL YOU TO YOUR COWARDLY ELVEN BRETHREN WITH A SHIPMENT OF IRON CHAINS AND SILK THONGS.

...*Clears throat,*

Dear Vampire,

I've got you now. Your hand's all busted up from my hammerer beating you and you'll have to wait for the doctor to help you before you decide to get up. This can go two ways and two ways only. You submit to my will and go to the eternal prison I have assigned and devised for you, or you will suffer an unfortunate accident involving a cage and elves and the purchase of something trivial, like socks.

Dear Urist,

Would you like to explain to me what is taking so long for you to build the road and carve the wall fortifications? I have stone stockpiles on the surface, plenty of perfectly sturdy rock salt mined from the earth for your use. Yet you deign to run down six stories to my other stockpiles to grab blocks I've intended for use in my other projects.

You're inefficient, Urist. So were the goblins, and they're at the bottom of the river now. I am told that there are socks under those waves. You may be sent to investigate personally if you don't shape up.

To all with great sincerity, your Overseer, Master and Malific Force controlling the world-renowned adventurer Indrick Boreale.

[Gentlefish]

Dear Overseer,

Of course there's lots of rock salt up here, I hauled it myself.

You told me to use the blocks.

As nice as the socks sound, I'd rather not see them. You see, I have lots of friends, too. They wouldn't be too happy that I disappeared after using their fine blockws to build a beautiful, smooth road.

Urist.