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Author Topic: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves  (Read 1500704 times)

Grim Portent

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5130 on: August 06, 2013, 08:24:58 pm »

To the Arenas Of Respecting

It saddens me to say this, but after the decimation of the squad and the death of many of our citizens in a recent ambush I have decided to disband your squad. This is not a punishment for your failings, it is a sign of respect for your fallen commander. She will be remembered. I hereby instruct you to join the Fortress Guard and resume training. Do not worry, our smiths labour day and night to forge adamantine arms and amour. When we are ready, you will be called back into full service.

Regards
Your Supreme Overlord

-------------------------------------------
Fort got shot to bits due to a design flaw after I turtled up to avoid getting more goblinite to sort through and I had to unleash my militia through a small hole I made in the wall, seven wounded dwarfs, only 4 with any training against 14 goblins wasn't a pretty sight. 3 dead dwarfs, 12 dead goblins. Lost the best fighters I had to that since my gear was being phased out and the squad uniform was a mess.
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There once was a dwarf in a cave,
who many would consider brave.
With a head like a block
he went out for a sock,
his ass I won't bother to save.

WanderingKid

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5131 on: August 06, 2013, 08:59:26 pm »

Look, Ilral... we haven't had a vampire attack since our king died when the hammerer got to him.

So, the first thing that happens once you're released from jail?  You eat someone.  AdmiredMansions doesn't care about little things like 'reasonable doubt' or 'circumstantial evidence'.  There is a lever in the back of the minecart grinder.  It's time for you to pull that lever, lad.

-Overfiend.

wierd

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5132 on: August 06, 2013, 09:21:18 pm »

Greetings and falicitations, dwarven procreation unit designation GroupQ_Gen0_Unit1!

It has come to my attention that you have somehow lost your right foot. Considering that the only means available by which this could concievably have occured is through a training mishap, and the fact that the foot is nowhere to be found, leads me to suspect that either you are grossly incompetent at the axelord training drills that have been instituted, or you have been finding ways to go play with the giant peregrine falcon people outside, despite the fortress being completely sealed.

By all means, I am VERY pleased that you have not only gotten accustomed to tradgedy, but also don't really care about anything anymore, I would like to point out that fortress security is EVERYONE'S responsibility. If you have been sneaking out of the fortress somehow, it is your civic duty to make an announcement of this fact, so that your loving overseer can properly seal the breach you were using to do so. You don't want an invading horde of crundles in your bedroom do you? Of course you don't.

While the loss of your foot does pose certain liabilities, your primary responsibility at this point is as a member of the proletariot, a duty to which even quadrupal amputeeism will be uninhibited by. I would however, greatly appreciate it if you would be more careful in your drills. No, you will not be removed from the training roster.

I understand that some unruly members of the fortress have expressed concern over the immediate deployment of actual axes for axe training demonstrations, and not the deployment of completely useless wooden training axes. While the risks of training accidents are substantially higher, this practice also ensure that should a *real* threat to the fortress arrive, such as a forgotten beast, or a wandering giant, that you and your fellow dwarven procreation units will not errantly attempt to fell such beasts using a polished 2x4, instead of an actual axe, as I am sure you will have considerable difficulty telling them apart in the great haste of the emergency.

Remember, the best and brightest of your progeny will inherit the fortress, and the primary purpose for your current military training is to provide the best possible education to the surviving offspring you will produce, for the betterment and glory of the dwarven master race. This means your primary responsibilites are to not die or otherwise disable yourselves while training, and to produce as many vibrant and healthy children as possible.

Getting limbs removed does not satisfy either of those goals. Please avoid having this happen in the future.

Yours in armok's will, your loving and devoted overseer.
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Somanarga

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5133 on: August 07, 2013, 12:09:31 am »

Dearest Urist McCrazycatlady,

When we assign cats and kittens to slaughter, its not because they have 'nowhere to go' or they're in 'dire need of love and attention'.

Regardless, you have taken it upon yourself to adopt 7 'needy' kittens. A noble gesture indeed, and though I'm sure they were all grateful to find a home over the course of that fateful week, you have done naught but play with them in the dining hall over the course of your month long 'break'.

As such, we have decided to redirect your schedule for the coming week. You'll find the new orders in your quarters. Yes, its that lever next to the volcano.

Yours truly,
The Management.
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the1337doofus

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5134 on: August 09, 2013, 11:41:15 am »

Dear Dwarves;

It's a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish. And it's a milkfish at that. What's it going to do, stupid look you to death? Stop getting spooked by it and do your.... whatever it is you do at the water.

- The management

PS; Next time I catch one of you cooking or eating one of our prickle berries, which are reserved for brewing, I'll throw you to the oh so scary milkfish. And then lock you outside when the orcs come.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2013, 11:46:28 am by the1337doofus »
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Quote from: /k/
Multiple babies means that the force is distributed per baby, so less force total per baby.
burning dwarves is a sign of productivity

Akura

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5135 on: August 09, 2013, 01:08:19 pm »

Dear Urist McPlanterorsomethingorother,

I realize that you've got a perpetual stomach flu due to that forgotten beast's noxious fumes being truly "noxious". I don't mind that you're vomiting everywhere, as you are a valuable soldier then the call to arms is raised. However, I do mind that your vomitus is clogging the combat logs, and I am someone who compulsively opens them every time that "R" appears in the corner of the screen.

Sincerely,
Overseer.

PS; Next time I catch one of you cooking or eating one of our prickle berries, which are reserved for brewing, I'll throw you to the oh so scary milkfish. And then lock you outside when the orcs come.
Nothing you can do about eating, but you can disallow cooking from the z->Kitchen menu.
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Quote
They asked me how well I understood theoretical physics. I told them I had a theoretical degree in physics. They said welcome aboard.
... Yes, the hugs are for everyone.  No stabbing, though.  Just hugs.

Serefan

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5136 on: August 10, 2013, 08:42:17 am »

My dear retarded little minions.

It's a single goblin drowning in a moat. Stop making a fuss about it and get back to work.
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flame99

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5137 on: August 10, 2013, 08:58:49 am »

Dear Dwarves;

It's a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish. And it's a milkfish at that. What's it going to do, stupid look you to death? Stop getting spooked by it and do your.... whatever it is you do at the water.

- The management

PS; Next time I catch one of you cooking or eating one of our prickle berries, which are reserved for brewing, I'll throw you to the oh so scary milkfish. And then lock you outside when the orcs come.
Dear Overseer,
What're ye, an elf er somethen? If'n yer sober 'nuff ta tell what the Armok anythin' is, then yer not a trew dwerf! Get back ta drinken', 'fore I throw ye ta that "Milkfish", whech if ye were drunk, ye could tell was cleerly a beg old DEMON!
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It/its, they/them, in order of preference.

Not gay as in happy, queer as in fuck you.

the1337doofus

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5138 on: August 10, 2013, 11:36:19 am »

Dear Dwarves;

If the rock is roaring, or has little bits of cloak sticking out of it: DON'T MINE IT.

It's a trap!

-Admiral Doofbar
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Quote from: /k/
Multiple babies means that the force is distributed per baby, so less force total per baby.
burning dwarves is a sign of productivity

Dunkelzahn

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5139 on: August 10, 2013, 12:52:28 pm »

dear urist mc navigator

how... just how!

how did you end up placing us here

at the top of a mountain, right next to the volcano!
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Ora_the_Owlish

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5140 on: August 10, 2013, 01:57:23 pm »

Dear Urist McCrossbowdorf,

I know you're new to the service. That's why the overseer assigned you to training; that and the fact that we've got all the lye we need, no matter what the Mountainhome told you. But I digress. Your training assignment was to mercy-kill an ogre that had already been shot nearly to death by your squadmates. The ogre was unconscious from the pain, completely surrounded by fortifications. I left you with a full quiver and a live ogre, and I returned to find you an ammo-less dwarf, the ogre still quietly moaning in pain. I don't know what happened. Maybe you really did miss every single shot; maybe you thought the bolts were your rations and ate them. Whatever. You'll be pleased to know that I've sent an application to the overseer to have your assignment changed.

I hope you like hauling!

Sincerely,
Your Commanding Officer

(He is...the most terrible marskdwarf in the world!)
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Dunkelzahn

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5141 on: August 10, 2013, 02:54:34 pm »

dear kea's

stay away from my bags! i need those for seeds!

oh and drop my wheel burrows! you don't even NEED wheel burrows!
« Last Edit: August 10, 2013, 02:56:41 pm by Dunkelzahn »
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Larix

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5142 on: August 10, 2013, 04:54:47 pm »

Dear Urist McCrossbowdorf,

Your training assignment was to mercy-kill an ogre that had already been shot nearly to death by your squadmates.
(He is...the most terrible marskdwarf in the world!)

Erm... no. Just no. A _good_ archer is not guaranteed to kill an unconscious horse with a full quiver of bolts. An ogre is ten times the size of a horse(*). If you think that marksdwarf is bad, your expectations are just a tiny little bit unreasonable.

(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
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AutomataKittay

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5143 on: August 11, 2013, 03:40:40 am »

Dear Urist McCrossbowdorf,

Your training assignment was to mercy-kill an ogre that had already been shot nearly to death by your squadmates.
(He is...the most terrible marskdwarf in the world!)

Erm... no. Just no. A _good_ archer is not guaranteed to kill an unconscious horse with a full quiver of bolts. An ogre is ten times the size of a horse(*). If you think that marksdwarf is bad, your expectations are just a tiny little bit unreasonable.

(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.

And on top of it, archers usually kills by bleeding things out or making them fall over in pain long enough for the melee dwarves to come in. Only instant-kills I've seen are against kobold-sized things and rarely goblin/dwarf sized and they're that small. And have brains that they depends on.
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WillowLuman

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Re: Note to Urist--In which you express your frustration to your dwarves
« Reply #5144 on: August 12, 2013, 12:17:00 am »

I've killed rocs and dragons with pick headshots in adventure mode...
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Dwarf Souls: Prepare to Mine
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Darkest Garden - Illustrated game. - What mysteries lie in the abandoned dark?
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