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[PDF urist master]

i suggest you wall off the river, make it completely impossible to pass without the bridge

[pisskop]

Dear The Frill of Tourquise;

I know the worldgen depicted you as a peaceful civilization only engaging in defensive wars.  I know you spent the first 150 years of your life without a single attack.  I know you got your rther expansive arse stomped in the last 25 years of the worldgen.  But why, WHY do you continue to send me all the displaced survivors of the  settlements that were crushed?  They didnt do any good over at their old fort, and they don't do much good here  I have more High master waxworkers and grand master herbalist than I have room for.  And when you do send over a semi-useful guy its only because he's a competent weaponsmith.  Guess who doesn't have ore yet?  Guess who doesn't have enough food to support all kobolds dwarfs you send?  Guess who's going for a ride on our drawbridges?

Sincerely, your exasperated overseer.

 P.S.  Keep sending steel Trinkets.

[pyrAmider]

Memo to Urist:

After consideration of the incident of 24 Obsidian, in which 8 Dwarves including 2 children and a baby became intoxicated at the annual Armokmas Party, fell into the well, drowned, and in the process contaminated the fortress hospital's water supply by the decomposition of their inaccessible bodies, the meeting hall license of the Cavern 1 Well is henceforth revoked.

- Fortress Management

[RangerCado]

Dear hunter dwarf:

I modded projectiles so that those freaking goblins would hit eachother, not so you could shoot at unconsious crocodiles that my conscripted wrestlers are strangling! seriously! you drowned 2 of our fellow dwarves who were dodging your bolts, and shot a 3rd in the heart! All before granite even ended! The only reason i haven't killed you is that we only have 3 of us left so smartin up  or be the first one in the goblin jail!

-From the Overseer

[pisskop]

Dear legendary immigrant;

You are awesome in many ways:

1)  You are an immigrant with a blinky name!

2) appropriately your attributes are at least decent
 
3) You ran the goblin siege and made it to my fisherdwarf's brookside burrow; thus did not join your friends in death

4) you are a free blinky name
 
5) Did I mention you blink?

  however, your awesome skill is better applied in a more peaceful enviornment . . . just like the rest of this derpy little civ you are ill-suited for combat.  Legendary Herbalist?  Really?  +1, if I'm reading your therapist right.

Stay now that you are here but you shouldn't have come.  I see there is a reason you lack analytical ability.

Enjoy your stay,
Lisbash V______, Duke of Warblockades

[Dunamisdeos]

Dear Urist McMayorNoble

We appreciate your foresight in mandating bismuth items be built. It is clear that Urist McLegendaryEngraver starved in prison becuase of his own hubris and laziness. As a token of our appreciation, you have been selected for inclusion in the "Think Tank". Please note that this is the nickname for the enslosure of Fuzzlewumpus, the Brain-Eating Forgotten Beast made of tetrahedrite. Beware his cuddly webs  .

With love,
The Overseer

[itisnotlogical]

Dear Urist McWhoeverplacesdoorswheretheyneedtogo,

There were plenty of wooden doors in the stockpile not five tiles away from you on the same level. You didn't have to run all the way down to your quickly-flooding workshop to grab the door you had just completed. When you're ordered to block off a flooding area, you don't rush into the flooding area to grab the needed materials.

Urist McNewbOverseer

[MrSparky]

Dear Urist McWhoeverplacesdoorswheretheyneedtogo,

There were plenty of wooden doors in the stockpile not five tiles away from you on the same level. You didn't have to run all the way down to your quickly-flooding workshop to grab the door you had just completed. When you're ordered to block off a flooding area, you don't rush into the flooding area to grab the needed materials.

Urist McNewbOverseer

Dear Overseer,
You're the one who told me to use that door. I'm just following orders.
It's useful to forbid items that you don't want used. Not only can we not use forbidden items, you can't tell us to use them.
Sincerely, Urist McDoorInstaller

[Raikaria]

Dear Urist Mc Mayor

Can you please tell me you were actually elected, instead of almost going mad from your lack of quarters? I got no message of your appointment, or knowledge there was even a mayor, until you mandated a lone coffin.

Do you plan to kill someone, by the way, that is a very strange mandate.

Dear Urist Mc Mechanics

Work faster. It shouldn't take you multiple months to build two mechanisms... with multiple mechanics workshops.

Dear Urist Mc Brewers

Why did you stop brewing and almost make the fort die of thirst? Luckily I noticed a massive amount of blinking blue arrows, but please, don't spontaneously stop brewing again. Especially with 500+ plants to brew with and constant pot production.

[Dartje]

Dear Urist McBrewer,

Why do you level up so slow? You've been brewing since the summer of the first year of our fort and now, 2 years later, you are a "Talented Brewer". Have you learned almost nothing in those 2 years?

Dear Urist McCMD,

Just because the buckets contain water DOESN'T mean that there are no more buckets in the fortress to clean the wounded.

Regards,

Me

[MrSparky]

Dear Stone Detailers,

When I tell you to smooth a level of wall, that means the whole thing. Don't skip a corner here and a couple sides there. I'll just redesignate it and you'll have to walk all the way over there again. Nobody benefits from you doing a half-assed job.

Sincerely, Overseer

[pisskop]

Dear Warblockades;

You guys have really got to take better care of yourselves.  Did you guys know we have no less than three dwarf skeletons in the hills, and two more directly above the main entrance of the fort?  seriously, 1 urist up, and its not like you can't reach them . . .
 Also if another hospital patient dies of thirst depite there being all them nobles and several 'doctors' ill let the goblins in next time.


  but the real kickers are two great macemen who came the same wave.  A few years ago they dissapeared during a light goblin siege.  just . . . vanished.  We never found them, but we know they're dead, because Atir and Alath the ghosts pop up from time to time.  Why can't we memorialize them?  They're bloody ghosts!

[Vyro]

Dear Feb McEngraver.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

About that one last masterpiece of yours. Congrats. For once you alone in the entire fort have managed to impress your Great Overseer with your creativity by picturing anything but useless trinkets our most "valuable' workers made in a crazy fit, elves and humans getting slaughtered by a minotaur (seriously, from the number of different names it seems like that thing has butchered through a country or two), dwarves laboring and traveling and what seems to be the whole lifestory of our former dutchess, who, I might add, ended up by receiving a ticket to the Iron Chamber for her large gem mandates. Yes, that one infamous magmaproof apartment no one ever returned from, you get the hint.
Continue your good work, be well, don't stick your nose outside the gates. Just, swing by the Chief medical dwarf during your break, please. I'm pretty sure she'd be quite interested to hear how dogs can laugh. As a matter of fact, I myself would be too.

[fricy]

Dear McAlcoholists!

Why the HELL do you insist in going to the prison stockpiles for a drink, especially when you have a much closer and bigger booze only stockpile right next to THE F.ING STAIRS? I even told you that the prison is a restricted area, and explained to all of you that the one next to dining room is the one to be used for drinking. If you insist, I'm more then happy to let you say for extended periods in the dungeons, but right now I'd prefer you all went back to WORK lazy idiots.

Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Overseer.

[Drecon]

Dear McAlcoholists!

Why the HELL do you insist in going to the prison stockpiles for a drink, especially when you have a much closer and bigger booze only stockpile right next to THE F.ING STAIRS? I even told you that the prison is a restricted area, and explained to all of you that the one next to dining room is the one to be used for drinking. If you insist, I'm more then happy to let you say for extended periods in the dungeons, but right now I'd prefer you all went back to WORK lazy idiots.

Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Overseer.

They probably come from one or more floors up and the booze stockpiles in the prisons might be closer, if you just ignore those pesky floors.

Related to that:

Dear Urist McPather,

Why do you insist that the shortest route to anything is through roofs and floors, even if the shortest path is through a stairway that is significantly farther off? I set up a perfectly acceptable stone stockpile next to the masons, all regular, non-flux stones. No problem. The stones one floor up and down are actually farther away... trust me.

Sincerely,
The Overseer.