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[Broseph Stalin]

Dear Urist McWrestler

Throwing someone off the roof isn't sparring. You've sent two sparring partners to the hospital. Stop throwing people off the roof.

[Remuthra]

Dear Overseer,
Why are you sending everyone to go sparring on the roof, and for that matter, near the edge of the roof? All we want is a nice walled barracks where we don't get thrown off ledges.
Yours Truly,
Urist McSparringPartner

[DwarfOfTheLand]

Dear Dwarves,

      Please, PLEASE PRIORITIZE YOUR SHIT. I mean, sure! Go ahead and haul everything and NOT build the god dang drawbridge! It's not like there is a goblin siege approaching from the West or anything!

       Sin-fucking-cerely,

     Me.
PS: Nevermind, it's too late.

[Jenniretta]

Dear Dwarves,

      Please, PLEASE PRIORITIZE YOUR SHIT. I mean, sure! Go ahead and haul everything and NOT build the god dang drawbridge! It's not like there is a goblin siege approaching from the West or anything!

       Sin-fucking-cerely,

     Me.
PS: Nevermind, it's too late.

Dear Me,

If it's that important, you could always tell us not to haul things.

Sincerely,
The masons and Architects.

[hiroshi42]

Back on topic:
Dear Urist McBeeKeeper,

I set the "stay inside" alert, and restricted all civilians to that burrow. that includes you and you know it. Stop stepping two tiles outside the burrow looking for beehives, realising you can't go there, and taking the exact same job again, and repeating your little burrow dance. I know dances like this are in your blood - throughout dwarf history, when the overlord says "stay inside" everyone has danced in the doorway - but burrows are supposed to limit what jobs you'll accept, so why are you choosing the bees outside to populate your hive? we have hives inside the burrow ready to split, and you have all your hauling, cleaning, and food/drink delivery labours enables. there is plenty of stuff for you to do inside the safety of the burrow.

Sincerely,
Your migraine-afflicted overlord.

Better late than never: Beekeeping is weird, the hives control where the collect colony job points to and it does not seem to get reset upon job cancellation, so it will try to send out your dwarves to the location it has chosen no mater what.  This is why you need to wait until completion of one hive before building another, if two hives point towards the same colony or the job is interrupted and the queen is not installed you wind up with beekeepers starving in the middle of a field.  Probably too late to help with your current problems but something to keep in mind in the future.

And now on with the show.
Dear Urist McMedic.
If we have never spoken before it is because I had believed that the verbal abuse you garner from other sources would provide enough motivation to do your damned job.  You have, despite a decent apartment, adequate food and beverage and all the time in the world, failed to even look at Urist McBrokenLeg who acquired his injuries in a moronic brave charge into a score of steel clad war elephants.  If McBrokenLeg dies in the hospital emergency steps will be taken to prevent his inevitable reanimation.  Please note that, due to sadistic poor planing, your apartments will be adversely affected by the massive anti grief molten accordion systems. 

[Vyro]

Dear UristsMcDriver.
How the hell did you manage to park on a 5 square cliff and break the wagon in the process? Why is molten rock everywhere, I don't remember any volcanoes in the vicinity? ...Is that... Slade? What? Why? How did you guys manage to literally EMBARK IN HELL at level -34? Surely I wanted a challenge by picking an Evil Aquifer biome, but still, the whole landscape was 1ns and 2s, which is a PLANE... and FPS kinda died to 0 right off the bat, dooming any further hopes of this fort. I assumed nothing can surprise me in DF anymore, but your dwarfiness was awesome. Thank you for making me remember that AC/DC song all over again.
On a side note. Dear Undead Fun, where are you? It's, like, my 10th embark in a terrifyingly inhospitable biome already, and all I've ever seen so far was some pansy rain. Come on! This is supposed to be a challenge! Daring settlers braving the unspoken horrors and stuff like that. This rain will not even kill anyone! Even the donkey that starved to death while I was messing around with double aquifer did not get up and try to kill us! This is supposed to be Terrifying, not Sinister. Like my last Evil fort, where 30 desperate survivors of the Third Great Disaster (which claimed the lives of around 80 dwarves) were bent on completing the Doomsday Device and engulfing the surface in Armok's lifeblood, spelling total annihilation to everything there. Which we failed after the fourth disaster and were forced to evacuate at population of 8, the Commander leading the way with over 2k kills on her warhammer. But that's another story. Give me my FUN!

[Jenniretta]

Better late than never: Beekeeping is weird, the hives control where the collect colony job points to and it does not seem to get reset upon job cancellation, so it will try to send out your dwarves to the location it has chosen no mater what.  This is why you need to wait until completion of one hive before building another, if two hives point towards the same colony or the job is interrupted and the queen is not installed you wind up with beekeepers starving in the middle of a field.  Probably too late to help with your current problems but something to keep in mind in the future.

Nah it's  not too late, I just deconstructed them all and rebuilt the hives, (except the seed hives, the ones I had bees in but not set to be harvested) and it cleared up the mess (for the moment). Just annoying, is all.

[lazygun]

Dear Urist McHunter,

Your job is to hunt food for the fortress. NOT: to pepper a random bobcat with sub-lethal bolts, complain about lack of ammo, refill quiver, pepper a DIFFERENT bobcat with bolts, complain of lack of ammo and then decide you're in just the right spot for a nap.

I don't know... I just don't know...

Your baffled overseer.

[Urist Mc Dwarf]

Dear snatcher,

first, i'd like to commend you on your great sneaking skill. Second, what was the idea behind stabbing the child you kidnapped? third, how did your left kidney and spleen end up three tiles away from anything else?
Dear millitia,
How did that goblin get past you and kill our third legendary bonecarver's child? You almost made it up to me when you tore him apart. Who threw his right foot five tiles down the hall?
Dear bonecarver,
You get therapy.
Dear Urist McChildmaker,

Why did you run away from the fort. I mean, i konw giving birth just as you got onto the map then having a near immediate goblin ambush can be stressful, but really?
You got three babies killed and two others wounded by that.
Enjoy your small room.
Sincerely,
 Ovelord Armok.
 

[EBannion]

Dear Chief Medical Dwarf,

I know that you really like your job, and that stitching up our injured warriors is your job. I understand that you really need to make sure that they heal and survive.

Don't you think that closing five separate wounds on one dwarf with candyfloss thread is a little overboard, though?

Dear Head Mason,

I greatly appreciate the fact that half of the statues you've made are of Bronzebanners' longest serving administrator.

She might be a little less pleased that half of those are of her cowering in terror, surrounded by huge roaches.

Dear Goblin Invaders,

I understand that you had to walk a long way to get here. I know that the defenders of Bronzebanners have killed many, many of your friends. I even sympathize with your jealousy of their wealth and happiness.

Did you really have to knock over every single statue along the road into the fortress on your way to get slaughtered like all of your other ugly, stupid bretheren?

[thefish1992]

Dear Mcstonecrafter

the doctor has given you the all clear, you status screen shows no wounds, you have your own bed room, get the hell out of the hospital you lazy bum and back to work! you have no reason to be their, i even had the bed you were on deconstructed, but you went back in with no injuries. why? Stone crafting is a fairly easy to replace skill in this fortress friend, and if you don't start doing your job, my hand might slip on the atom smasher, get it?

Sincerely
Thefish

[hiroshi42]

To: Physics
Re: Flying mounts

Dear inanimate force,
It has come to my attention that you were conspicuously absent during my last siege where we entertained war elephants riding Giant Thrips.  A post battle analysis indicates that the armor worn by our adversaries alone massed over twice that of any Thrips and that the elephants weighed in at another 3x.  Why did you allow the blasted pachyderms to fly?  For that matter why were the giant chinchilla mounts not wedged between elephant buttcheaks?  The only rational conclusion that can be drawn from your apparent absence in this case is that you are conspiring against this fortress.  We shall not let this act of aggression stand, our leading sciencedwarfs have already begun researching how to fire ballista bolts at right angles to reality.

[tahujdt]

To: Physics
Re: Flying mounts

Dear inanimate force,
It has come to my attention that you were conspicuously absent during my last siege where we entertained war elephants riding Giant Thrips.  A post battle analysis indicates that the armor worn by our adversaries alone massed over twice that of any Thrips and that the elephants weighed in at another 3x.  Why did you allow the blasted pachyderms to fly?  For that matter why were the giant chinchilla mounts not wedged between elephant buttcheaks?  The only rational conclusion that can be drawn from your apparent absence in this case is that you are conspiring against this fortress.  We shall not let this act of aggression stand, our leading sciencedwarfs have already begun researching how to fire ballista bolts at right angles to reality.

Props for THHGTTG reference.

[WillowLuman]

I think the bigger question is why physics has allowed Elephants to have armor and siege your fort anyway. But I'm going to guess you only have yourself to blame for that.

[Remsly]

Dear Urist Mctrader,

Next time get to the trade depot before the caravan leaves.


With love,
That little voice in your head.

PS: Next time I'll talk about Elves having sex if you don't respond earlier.