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[hiroshi42]

Dear Urist McMilitia:
How in the blood soaked elvish hell did you manage to damage your boots? some of them are xbootsx.  Why were you storing them in a refuse stockpile?  When were you storing them in a refuse stockpile?  or were you idiots playing in the hot hot heat of the volcanic anomalies (Places where temp didn't update properly after the volcano was drained).  Pleas report to Urist McArmorsmith for a new set of boots.

Dear Urist McDuckDuckDuke:
You were appointed to your current position because you enjoyed axes and high boots.  Over the past 5 years you have requested them a total of 4 times.  Every other mandate has been for large gems and despite the fact that we are currently hollowing the mountainside we are running out of raw gems.  Please note that we are training a replacement armorer and adjust your mandates accordingly.
Yes I am aware that we can cut stone or glass, but frankly we are producing too many untradeable  cheap crafts now anyway.

[Larix]

^ minor note: cutting up rocks will not create large gems; only rough gems will do, including rough glass.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist, Urist & Urist, AKA: The Pirate Mason Junta

As you well know, construction on the Mk.1 "Kill the World" device has been held up while you construct floodgates. What you *should* know is that your continued insistence on traveling across the entire fort to get to our non-magma-safe stone is resulting in my seriously considering building the Mk.1 in such a way that it cannot be turned off. Unless you would like this to eventuate, please look to the small mountain of basalt and granite next to your workshops. It's been there for half a year now, you must have noticed it.

Dear Urist McKiwi,
You didn't hear it from me, but if you link a stockpile which only accepts certain kinds of stone to a workshop, that stone is the only one that will be used in the workshop.
Sincerely,
An Ominous Dwarf

Dear retired werebeast adventurers

For the love of all that is earthy, please stop migrating to my fortress!

Dear Hugo Luman,
Why? Don't you like warriors of epic skill who can't be permanently incapacitated by nonfatal injuries, nor starve/dehydrate to death?
Sincerely,
Urist McBadassWere

to the engravers guild: re: recent engravings
after looking over your area, your engravings are thus:
a: your lunch (about 45%)
b: the foundation of this fortress (about 10%)
c: defiyi onslaughtlion(elf) taming bobcats(year 39) (about 40%)
d: other non-history (about 5%)
really? this one elf? is that all the worlds history?
it's the year 204, the third year of this fort, surely something other then this one elf(taming bobcats) has mattered in the history of our world?

Dear enzier,
We only engrave local events. Make an event that it local.
Sincerely,
Engravers Union

to Urist McSpearDwarf: Re: unhappy to be releaved of duty
you were sent down to the caverns, with two others, to get rid of the troglodytes interrupting our operators there
you preformed admirably, and dispatched them without injury, and then, as you finished your task:
you were unhappy, complainging about being releaved of duty.
even after many months and other tasks, you keep complaining about this
you are hereby being isolated, as the rest of us worry about your growing despair with occationally running out of things to kill

Dear Overseer,
Give me something to do that builds up a civilian skill quickly. Rock blocks or mugs, perhaps.
Sincerely,
Urist McBored

Dear Miners:
I would take it as a kindness if you would live through your first year here. We all need to work together if we want to pierce this aquifer.
Sincerely,
Niccolo

Dear Niccolo,
Gee, thanks. Try not to kill us. Take our intelligence into conideration.
Sincerely,
Miners

Dear Urist McVampire,
Stop going exclusively for my Legendary military dwarves.
Regards,
U.R.I.S.T. HQ

Dear UHQ:
But they're so tasty, and I hear that I'll start sparkling if I do it enough! If I can just sparkle a little, I hear I can get a bunch of fangir--URK!
Sincerely,
Staked

(from masterwork df)
Dear migrant fishery worker
If you had arrived in different circumstances, I assure you you would have been sent unarmored against the packs of giant rats in the caverns. I must also assume you noticed the large crowd of mutilated corpse corpse corpse's around our fortress. I congratulate you for encountering and detecting the necromancer.
I admit to curiosity as to how you brought a prototype swordgolem as a pet, but I cannot complain as to the results.
Congradulations, commander of the Geared watch. Your mithril sword is down the hall.
Your grateful overseer.

Dear Overseer,
Wouldn't you bring a bodyguard if you came here? Especially in such a disliked position as fishery worker. And look, I'm being drafted!
Sincerely,
Urist.

Dear Demonblood 1,
Thank you for testing out the thrownaxes. It is, however, unfortunate that you were slain trying to finish off a wounded Iloial. Those plant people are tough, aren't they? Anyway, we've hired a new test subject. Demonblood 2 has been testing the lever-action rifle, using the silver .40-75 Gov't cartridges we supplied. We're thinking about including the .40-75 bit with the rifle's name for convenience.
Sincerely, Psychohorn Weapons Manufacturing.

What mod is that, anyways?

Dear Urist McMilitia:
How in the blood soaked elvish hell did you manage to damage your boots? some of them are xbootsx.  Why were you storing them in a refuse stockpile?  When were you storing them in a refuse stockpile?  or were you idiots playing in the hot hot heat of the volcanic anomalies (Places where temp didn't update properly after the volcano was drained).  Pleas report to Urist McArmorsmith for a new set of boots.

Mystery solved. All worn items degrade in refuse stockpiles, to help clean up worn clothing faster.

[Slayerhero90]

A mod I'm still working on.

[Mr Space Cat]

*this is a masterfully crafted sticky-note taped to the front door of the fort*

Dear big migrant waves,

Go away.

Come back when the above-ground fort is finished and we have the space and supplies for you.

Sincerely, Axehole Fort Management

[Lida_Brainbroken]

<blood smeared>
Open letter to the Human merchants;

We thank you for trading with us, but this past season was a disappointment we don't want repeated.

Though we doubt we'll be trading on trading terms in the future, we wish to point out that it was all your doing.  Eventhough we only traded one Cave Dragon war mount this year, you still took your time packing to leave.  You took so long that we worried the Dwarf caravan would be arriving soon and took measures to ensure you had a clear path to exit the depot by erecting a second depot in the court yard.  Yet, when the caravan arrived, you still managed to clog the gate while exiting the court, thus bringing progress to a complete standstill.

We appreciate your efforts to assist us when the siege followed the Dwarf caravan, but the carnage that ensued could have been avoided if you had left in a timely manner instead of taking three months to pack up.

We will be eagerly awaiting your return with pointy-jabby things in our hands, and the remaining nine Cave Dragons will be caged outside our walls ready to be released for our delight and entertainment.

Signed, the remaining Dwarfs of Greatfold.

ps: Get stuffed!

[MightyDorf]

Dear Urist McCleaner,

Why the fuck don't you dump and clean the mess at the fortress entrance ? There are three dozens of orcs/goblins/elf squeleton corpses over here, junk stuff, teeths and body limbs EVERYWHERE (on the ground, on the walls, even two z-levels higher on the mountain side), the ground is soaked in frozen blood which have been spilled here for years and for the glory of Iton Datan, there's not even a white, clean single unit of soil in a thirty squares perimeter around the entrance ! With it's huge trails of blood and vomit ending at the western map corner, this bloodbath is a fucking multicolored ice skating. You have water, you have buckets, you have the pathway, the garbage's door is unlocked and your hauling label is enabled, no burrows at all, then do it ! If you don't, at least dump those stinking elf corpses near the trade depot !

Sincerely,
Your very annoyed Overseer.

[Wrex]

Dear Urist McLasher Lord,


When you went on a rampage, we hardly expected you to lash the resident hidden vampire to death. Your methodical madness has been noted. Killing the baron was...less desirable.

[Larix]

Dear Urist McCleaner,

Why the fuck don't you dump and clean the mess at the fortress entrance ?

Dear(?) Overseer,

That's the evil outside! You told us it's the realm of the fearsome and despicable elf out there (we have to take your word for that, all the elves we've seen so far were perfectly harmless and nice, if expectedly strange and stuck-up). If you forced us, we might be willing to shift some of the garbage (standing orders - refuse - collect refuse from 'outside', i.e. aboveground), but you'll never make us clean up there. Never!

Steadfastly staying where we belong,
Urist McCleaners

(you'll have to order a construction, road or workshop built on top of dirty outside squares, then have it demolished. Cleans up the floor underneath reliably, and you can scale it from single floor tiles to kennels. Walls are another matter, alas.)

[Fortport]

Dear McLadydwarves,

For the good of the fortress, please stop making babies. You've all already got well over a hundred, and are bringing this fortress to its knees.

Your frustrated, and mentally fatigued overseer.

[ramensoup]

Dear Militia,

I understand that a lot of you are females and I understand that you have needs and I understand that you have children, however, I would advise that you do NOT include your tiny babies in the pit training activities and fighting dangerous Goblin army animals and disarmed Goblin soldiers with a child in your arms. I am tired of burying poor Urist McChildOfABadMother.

Sincerely,

Ramen, Mysterious Force

[maddwarf]

Dear Urist McBoozeMaker,

The fortress is swimming in plants and almost devoid of beer, there are three empty stills and yet you are set on storing items in barrels, hauling stone and taking breaks! The Expedition Leader cannot always be expected to do your job for your lazy self. Kindly perform the task before the whole fort goes mad from alcohol withdrawal.

Yours sincerely,

The Soberseer

P.S. Please stop fabricating these lies about not having any plant material. The next time you cancel the blasted job you shall be having a few rounds with the hammerer!

[Drenake]

Dear Urist McFuturMigrants,

The next couple that brings more than two (2) childrens with them will be denied access to the fortress. We already have 41 McChildrens for a total population of 78. This fortress is not a daycare center...

If the Adults/Kids ratio does not improve with the next migration wave, I will have to take drastic mesures open a daycare center.

Have a good day,
Overseer

[weenog]

Dear Urist McBoozeMaker,

The fortress is swimming in plants and almost devoid of beer, there are three empty stills and yet you are set on storing items in barrels, hauling stone and taking breaks! The Expedition Leader cannot always be expected to do your job for your lazy self. Kindly perform the task before the whole fort goes mad from alcohol withdrawal.

Yours sincerely,

The Soberseer

P.S. Please stop fabricating these lies about not having any plant material. The next time you cancel the blasted job you shall be having a few rounds with the hammerer!

Dear Soberseer,

I know your time is valuable, so I give you brief summaries, not wanting to trouble you with a detailed incident report.  When I say I need plants, what I'm trying to tell you is that I can't reach or can't find the plants I'm trying to get -- the haulers have run off with the barrel and left it some damned place when I go looking for it.  If you put a big mess of brewin' plants near the stills for me, and tell the damn fool haulers they don't need to go in barrels with the other plants, I won't disappoint you.

As frustrated by this situation as you,
Urist McBoozeMaker

---

The brew jobs get cancelled because the brewer will target a specific plant for brewing, and if the barrel it's in moves (because a hauler is collecting other plants with that barrel, perhaps), the brewer loses track of where the plant is, and can't get it.  The solution is a large plant stockpile near the stills that allows 0 barrels.

[maddwarf]

Ah-ha; we shall toast this new-found success! Stay the hammerer's hand... for the time being!

I'd assigned a plant and seed stockpile nearby, but I hadn't thought of checking the barrel settings. I'll give them a look - thanks!