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[Ianflow]

Dear Urista Ballistaf'dder,
Was your motivation for jumping in front of the ballista JUST as it was firing, to make your mother cry over her dead 1 year old and only worsen a tantrum spiral? If it was, you achieved your dream!
With Thanks,
"Higher Management"

[Thermi]

Dear Slaves Citizens,

If you don't build the walls and floors, bad things will happen. It would be very kind of you to build the walls and floors I designated.

Kindly,

The Overlord Amok The Managment

[Larix]

Dear Food Haulers,

you keep carting pots to the field to collect single rope reeds just so you can make two completely unnecessary extra trips, but when it's time to collect the gains of our capybara farm and a dozen are set up for slaughter, you steadfastly ignore the barrel permissions and insist on blocking one stockpile plot for each animal part. And of course, with the 'full' stockpile, you won't bring a barrel to hoover up the meat and make room for the meat still in the butcher's shop. And to make this even more hilarious, no-one but the superlegendary cook can be arsed to do any cooking, and he's on break. I appreciate you took the 'making miasma with minimal ressources' lessons so well to heart, but why? Do you feel so senselessly happy that you must produce something to complain about to feel properly dwarfy?

Baffled,
Your Overseer.

(P.S. well, i'll be damned. Cooks prefer seeds - even outside of barrels - over any type of non-barrelled/liquid food. I had lots of royal jelly but no flour (easiest foodstuff to store without barrels for me), so thought i'd enable jelly-cooking by cooking some of my excess seeds, which were sitting in bags about 50 steps further from the kitchen. Nope, didn't work.)

[GuesssWho]

We have water and 5 kinds of alcohol. STOP DYING OF THIRST, YOU IDIOTS!

Thanks in advance, Overdeity.

[Niccolo]

Dear Miners:

I would take it as a kindness if you would live through your first year here. We all need to work together if we want to pierce this aquifer.

Sincerely,
Niccolo

[Spectrelight]

Dear citizens,

Due to repeated mishandling of infants, you have all been spayed and neutered. You're welcome!

Sincerely,
Your Overseer

[hiroshi42]

Dear Miners:
It has come to my attention that you have not been following even rudimentary safety precautions whilst digging.  While a certain number of accidents is acceptable and we do have a fully stocked and quite frankly overstaffed hospital the most recent rash of incidents has become unfunny.  There are now at least a half dozen of you with smashed toes or fingers and another handful with wounds that went septic.  Oh and if you must channel out a staircase in such a way as to send yourself plummeting 50-60 stories please do so in the southwest stairwell so that you may serve as a learning tool.

Dear Humans:
Seriously?  One diplomat decides to leave via clownsvile and gets caught, goes insane and dies and you send a siege.  5 years of favorable trades and a whole carp-ton of free elfbone jewlery and you still send a military response.  Your warriors are just lucky they showed up after the dwarven caravan.  We might let some of them live

[Flanderbland]

Dear Urist,

Please stop informing me of the fact that the construction of my walls have been suspended due to someone being in the way. I simply cannot help you with this, since as soon as I order construction to resume, you, once again, move over to stand right at the construction site and figuring "Hey, I can't build here, I'm in the way of construction!".

So please, stop complaining about it to me, move away from the bloody tile, and do your job or so help me Armok I won't save you the next time the others decide to play a prank on you by enclosing you inside the walls.

Thanks,
The Overseer.

[Spatulor]

Dear Dobar Larlikot, Dwarven Child;

I understand you might be somewhat upset at the recent slaughter of the entire 15-dwarf-strong military of our recently-established fort. I also understand that you might be particularly upset, given that those 15 dwarves were sent into battle with crossbows and no ammunition, and included your entire family. But really, if they couldn't kill three goblin lashers, they pretty much deserved what they got, and THAT IS NO EXCUSE FOR PUNCHING MY LEGENDARY MINER TO DEATH IN HIS HOSPITAL BED.

Sincerely,
Plotting your death.

[Remuthra]

Dear Urist McVampire,

Stop going exclusively for my Legendary military dwarves.

Regards,
U.R.I.S.T. HQ

[racnor]

(from masterwork df)
Dear migrant fishery worker
If you had arrived in different circumstances, I assure you you would have been sent unarmored against the packs of giant rats in the caverns. I must also assume you noticed the large crowd of mutilated corpse corpse corpse's around our fortress. I congratulate you for encountering and detecting the necromancer.
I admit to curiosity as to how you brought a prototype swordgolem as a pet, but I cannot complain as to the results.
Congradulations, commander of the Geared watch. Your mithril sword is down the hall.
Your grateful overseer.

[Urist_McUser]

Dear Urist McStupid,

If you remove constructed stairs from below please place the building materials below your feet and not above your head.

Sincerely,
Your now very skull-jammed brain.

[maddwarf]

Dear Urist McMadBlacksmith,

I hereby formally request that you cease and desist your bellowing cries for rock, rock blocks, metal bars and cut gems, when all of the said items are located within two rooms of your illegally seized forge (two floors in the case of the gems).

Yours sincerely,
Urist McMacedwarfSoonyourexecutioner

[Mentalpatient87]

To: The 27 dwarves that make up the military of the barony of Metalsnakes,

When a giant, winged shrimp threatens our home or a blind cave ogre rips apart our very best cook, I expect ALL members of the guard to respond in a timely fashion. Formations and grouping are preferred, as there is strength in numbers. Four dwarves attacking at once can fell a jabberer before it flees the area, where one can only wound the creature. Stick together, move your asses, and learn the power of teamwork for your own sake.

From: The Management

[MrSparky]

Dearest Mr Gearedgranite;

You are never going to be able to wash yourself with that soap. Let me explain, you have lost all use of your arms and legs because you didn't wait for backup to take on a squad of elves riding flying mounts. Again. I would have thought you'd have learned your lesson after a giant owl tore up both your legs and your right arm before leaving you for dead. No, you went after the squad from the south while the rest of the military was taking on the 2 squads in the north. They didn't take a single scratch, by the way. Sure, you managed to bring down a giant eagle, a giant peregrine falcon, and an elf before the elf's owl got you but you almost bled to death before the medics got to you and your latest injuries have made you completely useless. It's a real shame. You were the best chief marksdwarf we'd had since Captain Skulllanterns bled out last winter.


ATTN Residents of Wheeledmoment;
Be more careful! Let Mr Gearedgranite's condition be a lesson on the dangers of elves and their warbirds. We haven't seen any other dwarves in nearly a decade so it's extremely likely that we're the last of our race. That means we have to work harder and be better at not getting maimed and killed.

    Your benevolent guiding hand