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[pisskop]

Dear Glassworkers of Metalpraise and Firegears,

WHYYYYYYYY must your moods be possessions?  I keep hoping for a legendary glass guy.  All I've gotten out of you fools at Firegears is a glass harp.  Metalpraise, you better not disappoint.

Annoyed,

the Boss

ETA:  And it's a bracelet, aka Kobold Attractant.

A glass harp is irony on an epic scale.  Epic as in Greek epic, of course.  Think about it.  Let it [hint] resonate [/hint] with you.

[darkgloomie]

Dear miners of Blowingoiled,

I'm sorry for flooding the shaft. My understanding of physics is still wonky. However, the shaft flooded slowly enough that you got to learn to swim pretty well.

So, tell me: why don't you leave to go mine a different place? I need you.

Resigned,

your overseer.

[arclance]

Letters concerning the start of the war between the Humans of The Empires of Feeding from the Nation of Dur Lapa and the Dwarven Metropolis of Dorenerib (Diamondgorge) founded by the Dwarves of The Factional Helms belonging to the Dwarven Nation of The Slippery Net.

To: The Overseer

The body found in the tower construction site has been identified as the Human Diplomat from Dur Lapa.
As the body was badly damaged identification was made by inspection of the clothing on the body.
Since this is not the body of a Dwarf we request instructions on what to do with it.

Signed
Guild Master : Refuse Hauling Guild
Duke Fath Komanunib (Spreadrags)

To: Milita Commander, Captain Of The Guard, and Chief Medical Dwarf

I have been informed that the body of a Human Diplomat from Dur Lapa has been found dead in the lower levels of the great tower.
You are hereby ordered to determine his cause of death and the reason he was in the tower.

Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge

To: The Overseer
CC: Milita Commander, Captain Of The Guard

I have determined that the Human Diplomat died of blood loss due to having both of his arms torn off.
The rest of his body was covered in may scrapes, bruises, and puncture wounds.

Signed
Chief Medical Dwarf
Zon Astekast (Sabresafe)

To: The Overseer
CC: Captain Of The Guard, Chief Medical Dwarf

Upon review of the Chief Medical Dwarfs report on the death of the Human Diplomat and my own inspection of the body I have determined how he died.
I believe the Diplomats curiosity got the better of him and he hiked to the tower construction site on top of the nearby mountain.
He likely attracted the attention of the local wildlife, in this case Giant Badgers, which followed him to the already completed lower levels of the tower through the surface acess stairway.
There were no wittiness to his death because all construction was taking place on the upper levels of the tower.
All surface access to the construction site has been sealed for the safety of the workers.

Signed
Milita Commander : Squad - Armors of Perfection
Edem Amosttomus Togalossram (Edem Townshoved the Stormy Fortunes)
Founding Member of Diamondgorge

Approximately One Year Later.

To: The Administrators of Dorenerib

I have met with the new Human Diplomat from Dur Lapa.
We discussed the results of the investigation into the death of the last Human Diplomat.
He seemed satisfied with the results of the investigation and the fact that we returned the Diplomats body to him.
Hopefully we can avoid war with the humans as they only nation that trades large amounts of bronze with us.

Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge

To: The Overseer

I am dismayed to report that a mason died today during the construction of the tower.
Three Dwarves were removing the scaffolding from the edge of the tower and the left a piece unsupported.
While this piece fell without damaging the tower it was so large that the airflow around the piece pulled Urist McTerminalVelocity off the edge of the tower.
He fell 28 Urists to his death.  I am told that his body exploded on impact.
Since he died through no fault of his own I ask that he be buried as a honored member of the masons guild.
One of the other Dwarves suffered minor injuries and is recovering in the hospital.

Signed
Chief Architect
Guild Master : Masons Guild
Udil Solonmogshum (Flagelbows)

To: Milita Commander Amosttomus
CC: Everyone

The construction accident that claimed the life of Urist McTerminalVelocity yesterday also caused the death of another Human Diplomat.
As the Human caravan was leaving Urist McTerminalVelocity fell from the tower due to the incompetence of two Masons, Urist McMason and Urist McMASON.
When Urist McTerminalVelocity hit the ground his head was torn from his body and flew 17 Urists landing in the lap of the Human Diplomat.
Witnesses say that the Diplomat proceed to rapidly climb to tower cursing about how he was going to tell off whoever was responsible for him being hit with a severed head.
Unfortuantely the Diplomat was elderly and out of shape and he died of a heart attack shortly after reaching the top the tower.
All residents should be on alert in case the humans decide to attack after the loss of a second diplomat.

The funeral of Urist McTerminalVelocity will be held tomorrow in the copper mines.

Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge

To: Urist McMason and Urist McMASON
CC: Construction Guilds

Effective immediately you are reassigned to the construction of the early warning watchtowers on the borders of our lands.
Unfortunately we are on military alert so we cannot give you a military escort at this time.

Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge

To: Urist McUndertaker

Urist McTerminalVelocity is to be buried tomorrow with full honors as he died performing his duty due to no fault of his own.
Due to his sacrifice (and awesome death) he will be entombed in the copper mines adjacent to the Urist McPincussion Memorial Hospital.

Urist McMason and Urist McMASON are hereby reassigned to be buried in wooden coffins in the soil layer 2 pet cemetery upon their deaths.

Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge

[jaxy15]

Dear keas,

Stop stealing my fucking hunter's arrows, this isn't funny.

Sincerely, the overseer.

[Olith McHuman]

Dear migrants,

Why do you always enter the map on the south or west side? The south side is blocked off by a river, and you will get mobbed by zombies. The west side is coated with deadly sludge (not that it matters, the zombies will kill you first, and then you will join them). You'll still die if you enter from the north or the east, but you may live a bit longer.

Dear caravans,

Please make it closer to the fort before getting torn to bits by the zombies.

[darkgloomie]

Dear Urist McHunter

... How did you get stuck on the other side of the river? Do I need to open the /happy maximum fun chamber/ again to ensure you don't walk on the other side of a frozen river? And anyway, why did it take you ten frickin' days to give me a notice?

[Slayerhero90]

To The Sacrificial Lambs of the fortress Hellseasons,

   Congratulations. You are the first demon-bloods to be sent to the evil lands. We are unsure of what trials you will face, but I recommend burrowing into the ground, as the dwarves do. Our scouts found there to be a river, plentiful metal, clay, and little soil. We are sorry that you were distressed when you learned this information. We do apologize for the inconvenience. Think about it this way: if you survive, it is proven we can triumph in dangerous lands.

From, Srod Tekolsvei.

2 LETTERS RECIEVED!

Dear Srod Tekolsvei,

   All is well. We've had to kill the same echidna twice already, it's up again, it's raining fruity smelling blood, so I assume that it's elf, we've been chased by a barn owl, rotting of course, and death doen't keep plants from growing. The only bad thing is that part of our embark is in a normal biome. We'll probably make it to the second wave!
                                                                                                                                                                                               

From, Skaavn Hargretmorn.

To Srod.
   YOU SENT US HERE TO DIE! I've already been drafted, it's raining BLOOD, for Cor's sake, and I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY THE DEAD! The only good thing is that I had a nice bath! If Rotvaag wasn't my friend, I would personally walk back to the city AND KICK YOUR ASS.

Hate, Tunul Strikulfatab.

[Nyxalinth]

Dear Unadopted Coyote (tame),

Your death was not in vain.  It saddens me to think of how we didn't even notice you were gone for a week, and then found you dead.  Looking in reports, I see you fought well against that Goblin Thief.  You will be buried next to the Large Rat (tame) who died of old age recently.  You were more useful than the dwarves who whine about their clothes yet won't replace them/about being on duty when it's only been a few days.

Dear whining dorfs

A week is not that long.  Also, there are plenty of clean, new clothes.  WEAR THEM AND STOP BITCHING!

Me

[Ki11aGhost]

Dear Resident Craftsmen,

We don't need floodgates, let alone artifact ones. Stop making them.

Sincerely,
Someone who wishes you'd put those fey moods to good use for once.

[Splint]

Dear Mr Frog, headwarsmith of Ivoryhomes,

Get off your unbalanced ass and make with the metal tradegoods! Thos giant animals aren't going to be bought with the clothes we need.

Signed,
The Overseer.

Dear goblin, elvish, and dwarven diplomats,

Piss off for a bit ok? I didn't think my expedition leader would be responsible for meeting you after the baron was promoted into the settlement, and she's busy bee keeping and building walls.

Signed,
The Overseer.

Yes I'm naming my people after forum dwellers.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Resident Craftsmen,

We don't need floodgates, let alone artifact ones. Stop making them.

Sincerely,
Someone who wishes you'd put those fey moods to good use for once.

Use them to distract buildingdestroyers.

[Lielac]

Dear dwarven couples of Charmtowns,

Get to making babies, dammit! It's actually for the good of the fort this time!

HURRY UP AND POP OUT SPROGS,
Overseer Lielac

[Splint]

Dear dwarven couples of Charmtowns,

Get to making babies, dammit! It's actually for the good of the fort this time!

HURRY UP AND POP OUT SPROGS,
Overseer Lielac

You seem to be having the same problem as me, though for different reasons.

[Nyxalinth]

Dear Traders Attempting to Trade,

Fellow dwarves, I apologize for the, ah, little accident in the trade depot.  Surely you wouldn't wish to see it all get nabbed by kobolds and goblins and annoying birds, so we've confiscated everything you brought to us.  We'll be happy to trade it back to you.

Elves, you really weren't supposed to get that crutch.  Some joker must have tucked it in with the stone goods.  Really.

Humans, I am filled with, err, regret that you were attacked by goblins just as you popped on to the map.  Really.  We'll be gathering the items that your dead horse and merchant gone berzerk now dead dropped, to um, return to you.  Yes.

Urist McOfdensen, Baron of Firegears, leader of Deathclock

(Man, is this fort ever living up to the Dethklok Dethcurse...)

[darkgloomie]

Dear Urist McHuntress.

I'm curious. How are you not a Legendary Marksdwarf already? I mean, you managed to lodge ALL YOUR MASTERWORK BOLTS on the tops of trees! I guess that vulture must've been really tasty, but still.

MASTERWORK! BOLTS!.

Yours truly,
Overseer of BoilingOiled