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[GreatWyrmGold]

No migrants?

[Splint]

Not since summer of the last year. Which I found strange since they weres till coming before, but hey, if it comes down to it the caravan guards will be taking up permanent residence here.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Meh, that works.

[Ki11aGhost]

Dear Resident Growers,

You went without food for a day or two, and the resulting tantrums you initiated completely halted food production, dooming yet another fortress. Ironically, it was your slacking that caused the shortage in the first place, but let's not point the finger of blame. Let's just erase everything you've ever known with the touch of a button and move on.

Sincerely,
Your Former Overseer.

[Sus]

Dear (late) Outpost Liaison,

In case you haven't noticed, there's a horde of goblins out there. Actually, there's three hordes of goblins and two additional hordes of trolls.

Do you really think this would be the best time to try and make a run for the Mountainhomes? Really?

Well, looks like you did. Enjoy your -sandstone coffin-.

Or, you could have waited a while until all the goblins and trolls were down in the trapdoor pit, all busy dying, and then made your way out alive.

You Armok-damned idiot. 

I would bitch more about my self-named dorf missing his baron's title, but turns out some tantruming bastard killed him shortly after the siege, so...

[Callista]

Dear Urist McMechanic,
When I said "Stay in the burrow", I meant "stay in the burrow", not "wander across no-man's-land to get to a part of the burrow on the other side of an active battlefield". If you ever walk again (which is doubtful enough considering the extreme incompetence of Urist McDoctor), I'm putting you on permanent rock-hauling duty.

[Zecro_The_Scourge]

Dear UristMcmilitia commander, when I tell you to kill caverats I expect you to kill them as you are geared in leather armor and outfitted with a MYTHRIL PICK! If you somehow die in the hospital I will personally make sure you died as the most inhonorable dwarf in the family. Signed by your overlord.

(Legendary miner militia :l)

[enizer]

To the dwarves of Irlogem(drinkpaint)

dear Urist McMayor, aka barrellover

when i got a mayor that demanded barrels, i was very happy, finally someone would not ask for platinum cabinets, bronze mini-forges, or other useless nonsence..
then you wanted three more barrels, ok.. fair enough. i made you your barrels
again you ordered more barrels..

now less then two years later, we have no less then 47 empty barrels(yes i counted) and over 100 barrels in use..
we had to send out woodcutters specifically for more wood for barrels you demanded..
and to top it all off, we have plenty of sand, magma, and fire clay.
can we please make some large glass or stoneware pots, and use the wood for bins?
this is getting a bit excessive

sincerely, the leader of a binless fortress


dear Urist McHunter
what is it with you and unicorns? seriously!
you have a unicorn bone crossbow, unicorn bone bolts, and unicorn leather shoes, and we mostly make pig tail clothes, and bronze weapons
i notice we have no non-unicorn meat, and over 30 capybaras in sight, however, only three unicorns
how about some nice capybara steak for a change?
ok.. two unicorns remaining now... and you are.. on your way to pick up equipment: unicorn leather vest.
..
ok, just what did the unicorns do to you?

signed: worried about your sanity

and last but not least,

Urist McCleaner
re: ledge cleaning
as you know, we are in a very cold part of the world, so this whole winter, we went to a big lake, put floodgates in the side of it while it was frozen, and prepared to dump the entire lake into a reservoir the instant it thawed.
now, considering this:
was 2 seconds after opening the floodgates the best time in your mind to clean the ledge?

contemplate this, as you now lie, 3z levels deep in water, with no good swimmers in the fortress, we closed the floodgates as soon as we could...

if you make our reservoir permanently taste of drowned dwarf, i promise you, the slate engraved in your memory will not be all that nice

sincerely, the leader already planning a new reservoir.

[Lielac]

dear Urist McHunter
what is it with you and unicorns? seriously!
you have a unicorn bone crossbow, unicorn bone bolts, and unicorn leather shoes, and we mostly make pig tail clothes, and bronze weapons
i notice we have no non-unicorn meat, and over 30 capybaras in sight, however, only three unicorns
how about some nice capybara steak for a change?
ok.. two unicorns remaining now... and you are.. on your way to pick up equipment: unicorn leather vest.
..
ok, just what did the unicorns do to you?

signed: worried about your sanity

Dear Worried,

Haven't ye heard o' th' legends? Th' unicorns are th' most vicious creatures in th' realm! I'm protecting th' fortress from crumbling ta its end, ye fool!

Signed: Selfless Hunter (But wouldnae mind more booze)

[GreatWyrmGold]

dear Urist McHunter
what is it with you and unicorns? seriously!
you have a unicorn bone crossbow, unicorn bone bolts, and unicorn leather shoes, and we mostly make pig tail clothes, and bronze weapons
i notice we have no non-unicorn meat, and over 30 capybaras in sight, however, only three unicorns
how about some nice capybara steak for a change?
ok.. two unicorns remaining now... and you are.. on your way to pick up equipment: unicorn leather vest.
..
ok, just what did the unicorns do to you?

signed: worried about your sanity

Dear Worried,

Haven't ye heard o' th' legends? Th' unicorns are th' most vicious creatures in th' realm! I'm protecting th' fortress from crumbling ta its end, ye fool!

Signed: Selfless Hunter (But wouldnae mind more booze)

P.S, also, unicorn meat is delicious even when uncooked, and unicorn hide is tough, soft, and pleasantly warms me.

[Eric Blank]

Dear goblins of The Curse fo Mites (Ngokang En)

Please, please siege us. If you haven't noticed, your ambush parties have been getting their asses kicked. Clearly, this means we have totally awesome defenses and present a serious challenge. And none of your men have ever made it into the heart of the fortress, to gaze upon our wondrous riches. Clearly, you should multiply the difficulty of successfully breaching our defenses by the level of secrecy and mystery surrounding the fortress, and come to conclusion that we are wealthy and powerful like gods. Gods that are an affront to your very existence.

So please, siege the fuck out of this place. And don't hold back to "test the defenses" or some shit; we need you to throw your entire goddamned population and every last mount and troll at us, and murder fucking everything.

Ignore your scouts that may or may not have survived to reported a massive zombie apocalypse. They are clearly just terrified of our new shock troops. Shock and awe is the name of the game, after all. They're pretty fucking ugly, and there's a lot of them, so put your war face on and man up.

Sincerely, the entire population of Crystaltombs. Kick our dirty asses into a fine paste!

P.s. you're all a bunch of scrawny little tree hugging cowards and we all took turns raping your mothers. Also, Armok sucks balls. Our gods' balls.

[Berossus]

Dear Urist McHammerlord

I assigned to you a set of mastercrafted Adamantine armor,
if you insist on wearing your XXXpigtailglovesXXX instead,
dont you
a) complain about tattered clothing
b) losing fingers.

sincerely,
Master of the Armory

[Akura]

Dear Anuril(?) the Seas of Oblivion:
  That was pathetic. You're a blob, with a shell, made of water. You're name is both appropriate and badass. You have poisonous vapor. And then your shell was shot off by an off-duty soldier still carrying his bow, with one shot. You tried to take a swing at him, but missed and ended up tripping down one ramp level, destroying yourself in the process. The dwarf then proceeded to wash your poisonous vapors off, presumably with your remains, and has shown no ill effects since.

Sincerely,
Overseer

Dear guy installing door:
  Stop telling me you "cannot reach site", when you're standing on the goddamn site. Nobody else has had any problems installing doors in the exact same shaft above and below you.

Sincerely,
Overseer

Dear spirits:
  I know I told you to stop giving me useless crap artifacts with useless historical information. Now you give me a single piece of wood, with the name and face of some guy with absolutely no context. Needless to say, I am dissapoint.

Sincerely,
Overseer


Dear haulers:
  Why the hell are you mixing adamantine strands with the regular cloth? The cloth stockpile specifically does not allow adamantine thread, while there's another stockpile near the adamantine processing facility specifically for adamantine thread only. And if I catch ANY of you weavers trying to turn that thread into cloth, then I will show you the meaning of "Losing is Fun".

Sincerely,
Overseer

[crazysheep]

Dear haulers:
  Why the hell are you mixing adamantine strands with the regular cloth? The cloth stockpile specifically does not allow adamantine thread, while there's another stockpile near the adamantine processing facility specifically for adamantine thread only. And if I catch ANY of you weavers trying to turn that thread into cloth, then I will show you the meaning of "Losing is Fun".

Sincerely,
Overseer

Don't worry, they won't do that unless you specifically tell them to Weave Metal Cloth. However, you will find doctors using adamantine strands for suturing..

[Nyxalinth]

Dear Glassworkers of Metalpraise and Firegears,

WHYYYYYYYY must your moods be possessions?  I keep hoping for a legendary glass guy.  All I've gotten out of you fools at Firegears is a glass harp.  Metalpraise, you better not disappoint.

Annoyed,

the Boss

ETA:  And it's a bracelet, aka Kobold Attractant.