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[MrCat]

Dear Urist McSiegeoperator. 
     
         Listen, I get it. Goblins are scary. They're a strange greenish grey colour.  They have weird, brightly coloured hair. Their sole purpose in life is to strangle your kitten to death.
       
          I undersand. Really.
                   
          But I want you to remember that goblins do not  possess the ability to magically teleport through fortifications and kill you while you attempt to load a ballista. So, in other words,STOP BEING SUCH A NOBLE AND JUST RELOAD THE BALLISTA. It isn't hard! All you have to do is take the arrow, cram it in the ballista, and fire it! You can do it with your eyes closed if that makes you feel better! Just, for the love of Armok, stop running away screaming from the ballista every time some goblin makes you wet your loincloth.

Sincerely,
The Keyboard

[Pyro627]

Dear Urist elitemarksdwarf,

I really do appreciate that you rembered I told you to pull that lever, but I had told you to do so ages ago. Before the siege; it would have greatly helped with the siege if you had just activated it, but fending off all the goblins single-handedly is cool too. The problem is, you waited until I had lifted the alerted to pull that damn lever.

Anyway, you're the only one left alive now. I hope you're happy.

[Berossus]

Dear Urist McDuchess,

while i do not know why you insited on a gold door in your throne room since you already had a platinum one, we went great lengths to have such a golden door fashioned and installed.
Your complaint that the door leading into your quarters is technically not part of the quarters themselves is just plain ridiculous.
I hope you feel better with a golden door uselessly hinged to that wall now.

P.S. Appearently you do. May Armok have mercy on your soul.

[Nathail]

Dear Urist McMigrant,

Stop bringing every single person you have ever met with you.

Sincerely,

Armok

P.S. If you stop, I wont use comic sans for future notes.

[NESgamer190]

Dear masons of any of my fortresses,

I understand that there is a creature occupying your space on a wall now and again, but it is not excusable when said creature is yourself, ya half wit!  I swear, even elves can build stone walls better than you at times!

Failure to comply can and will end badly for said masons as they will be stuck to room detailing instead, and perhaps entry hall smoothing.

Comply, and you will get your minecart system that you request.

Sincerely,

Fortress Foreman

[Urist McEngraver]

Dear Urists of SearedClasp.

While I very highly commend your bravery in that 20 of you died from a siege,
and that noone trantrummed, it has come to my notice that in the second siege, you allowed
a voracious cave crawler to escape into the fountain. Please remedy this before more of you drunken beardies fall down it.


Sincerely yours, the Queen.

[Mishrak]

Dear Urist McImpromptuWallBuilder,

Ok.  I know, it's my fault that we unleashed the flame shooting hellspawn into the fort.  And I know that your masonry experience is next to zero.  But would you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE not decide to take a NAP before you build the last wall piece that's separating you from the LEGIONS OF HELL and our Metal industry?  Your little nap cost us the life of our sheriff who will be memorialized as a hero because he did finish the wall, and ended up on the wrong side of it.

Sincerely,

Your unbelievably irritated overlord.

[Hurize]

Dear Urist McHusk, Will you finally die in that pool of lava

Yours truly, A pissed off king

[Flying Fortress]

Dear Urist McHusk, Will you finally die in that pool of lava

Yours truly, A pissed off king

Dear king

Thank you for providing a lovely little hot tub, but I'm sorry to dissapoint you, I won't be dying because I'm immune to magma. 

Yours truly, the !!Urist McHusk!! who will be killing your entire fort

[boathouse2112]

Dear Urist McMason,
We understand that you've been very busy in the first years of your service for the fort, however the levers you were supposed to connect last spring were to stop the Orc siege from gaining entrance to our main area. Due to the death of most of our military following this event, you are being conscripted. Unfortunately, we've run out of armor, so grab your copper pickaxe and don your cloak!
Sincerely,
Upper Management

[Splint]

Dear modbolds

The rebel group seems to be doing fine, so please cease your constant dying off during world gen. I even fixed your broke skill tokens and made it so that you'd have the full range of things a race needs to survive, and even gave you two and a hald times the starting number of individuals compared to the other races. And you still fucking died out.

I can't start my wanted succession game until i have you raping and pillaging the shit out of everything.

Thank you,
Irritated Jester of Armok.

[Supersheepman]

Dear Urist McMetalcrafter

Claiming my only forge while I happen to be in serious need of weapons and tools just so you can make a 30,000 dorfbuck ring is not acceptable. I can and will lock you away with our resident vampire.

Yours pissed off-fully,

Armok

[Corai]

Dear modbolds

The rebel group seems to be doing fine, so please cease your constant dying off during world gen. I even fixed your broke skill tokens and made it so that you'd have the full range of things a race needs to survive, and even gave you two and a hald times the starting number of individuals compared to the other races. And you still fucking died out.

I can't start my wanted succession game until i have you raping and pillaging the shit out of everything.

Thank you,
Irritated Jester of Armok.

Dear Jester of Armok,

WE HAVE A THOUSAND FUCKING RACES RAPING US THE SECOND WE WALK OUT OF OUR PORTALS. Do you expect us to survive? That is like telling a elf to chop down a forest.
Sincerely, The Empire

[Splint]

Retort letter to Modbold Empire:

The frogmen fared no better than you, and they're barely your size and have access to more weapons. I gave them the same treatment numbers wise. And if it makes you feel better, the ferric elves, beak wolves, and dark stranglers were on thier way out too along with the northern sergals.

Sighed,
Jester of Armok.

[ZzarkLinux]

Dear troll of RabbitHut

I saw you coming a mile away.

I didn't work full-time and work all weekend just so you could re-organize my stuff.
We've got too much to worry about with the rain/clouds/zombies/dearth of trees and grass,
so I hope you understand the overwhelming response to your mere existence.

You pathed directly to my farm plot and ruined it.
So when you bashed your way into our main hall,
you shouldn't have been surprised to see all the dwarves and 2 dogs staring you down.

You would've gotten my cats, but I de-pastured them so they properly 'fled' to the main hall.
We brought enough booze at embark that we have plenty of drinks.
And I didn't plant all my seeds, so we have backups.

If you can read this, then that means you've re-animated in our containment chamber.
You're going to be un-dead in there for a long time...
And everytime I walk by your chamber, I'm going to remember your 100+ pages of beating and smile.

-Overseer of RabbitHut