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[Samoorai]

I know that, but dying of thirst because they feel dirty? They physically couldn't GET to the river, and even if they could, it was frozen over

[Mishrak]

Dear Urist McBrewer,

Seriously, the fort is near fatally low levels of alcohol but instead of brewing more, you decide to take a nap.  The other Brewer is too busy loading a boulder in a rock-fall trap to assist, so I guess we'll all just get sober instead.  Is that what you want?

Sincerely,

Urist McOverlord

[MadocComadrin]

Dear Urist McOverlord,

I'm actually a teetotalling, very-short human bent on spreading my vies to dwarf kind. Your assignment of me to the brewery has been quite an insult, and I refuse to continue. Also, I spit in all the booze I made.

Sincerely,

Urist McBrewer

And now one from me:

Attention Marksdwarves of Minemanors,

Please do not take your children with you when I order you to the parapets to take pot shots at out Goblin besiegers. While inspiring a martial fortune is a nice idea, I would rather avoid dealing with more dead harvesterschildren and your resultant tantrums due to them. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Overseer of Minemanors, the Blood of Volcanoes

[Slayerhero90]

Dear Urist McBrewer,

Seriously, the fort is near fatally low levels of alcohol but instead of brewing more, you decide to take a nap.  The other Brewer is too busy loading a boulder in a rock-fall trap to assist, so I guess we'll all just get sober instead.  Is that what you want?

Sincerely,

Urist McOverlord

I don't ever bother with the alcohol industry. When I still played as dwarves, they were all estatic despite no booze or bedrooms.

[billybobfred]

I don't ever bother with the alcohol industry. When I still played as dwarves, they were all estatic despite no booze or bedrooms.

You realize that dwarves are physically dependent on alcohol and will work much, much slower without it.

[Slayerhero90]

I honestly don't care about that. I let them take as much time as they want.

[MadocComadrin]

I'm going to go a little off the standard format for this one. The back story is that after destroying all the old clothes and useless junk, I'm still suffering a faster than normal fps death, and I found it was caused by booze overproduction.

*Urist McBrewer walks into the Overseers office

Overseer: "Urist McBrewer! Catten ‼McScientist‼ here has informed me that the overproduction of booze has created too much matter in one place, causing time to slow down! If we keep it up, it will eventually freeze completely, like when Fath McFisherdwarf fell in the lake at midnight on the first of Moonstone." We need to stop!

Urist: *looks at Catten* "He's not on fire..."

Overseer: "What?"

Urist: "Nevermind. So you're saying that we either stop producing booze, or time stops?"

Overseer: "Yes. It's urgent"

Urist: "Let me rephrase that: a lifetime of grueling sobriety, or the last few moments of flowing time swimming in a lake of booze?"

Overseer: "..."

Catten: "Sir? You can't be ser-"

Overseer: "DOUBLE THE BOOZE PRODUCTION!!!"

[Mura]

Dear Urist McLegendary:

When the zombies invade from the Evil side of the map, do not take the fight to their turf.

Sincerely, the overlord who is now dealing with your thralled ass.

[SandyCaesar]

Dear Urist McSpringgunners (black powder mod):

Yes, I'm aware that difficulties in making cartridges mean that your weapons are somewhat less threatening than they could be. Nevertheless, I did hope that bouncing lead BBs off the gobbos would have hurt them.

Instead, you seem intent on not training at the range. You also seem intent charging in with bayonets--with which you have had no practice at all. It took the legendary miners' squad to bail out your sorry asses against that Goblin Spearmaster.

Enjoy your convalescence.

Sincerely,
The Overseer

[DisgruntledPeasant]

Dear Urist McLegendary:

When the zombies invade from the Evil side of the map, do not take the fight to their turf.

Sincerely, the overlord who is now dealing with your thralled ass.

Dear Overlord.

UUGHHHHH. urrghhh. arrrggg

[Splint]

Dear Toglodytes and Cave Ogres under my glacier,

It's my glacier. Go away.
 I'm sick of wating what little wood I have making cages to keep that entry sealed because of you.

Signed,
Overseer of Glacial hell

[Mageziya]

Dear Overseer of Glacial hell,

We Troglodytes and Ogres flock to your fortress for sustenance to survive. Sustenance, though it may not appear like it is, is rare low. The moss provides little energy and we can only eat each other for so long. Ultimately all cave creatures rely on some form in nutrient immigration to the caves to support the food web. Despite this it is rare though to eat and maim those directly from the surface, so dwarves and their livestock are a delicacy to us.

~Troglodytes and Cave Ogres.

[Wrex]

Dear UristMcBadass:

When those crawler mounted goblins headed straight for you, I thought you were a goner. You stood there, watching the incoming horde with fire in your eyes. Then you punched the leader so hard his head exploded and his entire force fled for the safety of the hills.

Guess who gets the artifact bed tonight?

[SandyCaesar]

To: Urist McMigrantsender, Mountainhomes
From: the Overseer

I am aware of the new Child Outreach program encouraging younger dwarves to go out and see the world. However, my fortresses are not nurseries. Stop sending kids. I need migrants with useful skills, but thus far of nine migrants five have been children, and it was so much worse in my previous fort. I already have advisers urging my to implement Dwarven Daycare via training weapons and I am strongly tempted to do so.

[Casp]

Dear Militia of Passcrafts,

Come ON. It was ONE GOBLIN. One goblin with a SILVER DAGGER. The whole army of the proud dwarven city of Passcrafts just got it's shit wrecked by one sneaking greenskin with a BUTTERKNIFE. You had steel armor and weapons! You outnumbered him ten to one! What happened?
 Thanks to your mess, we lost a good farmer because his badger bite got infected. You know why they couldn't treat it? BECAUSE YOU ASSHOLES were lounging in all the hospital beds, recovering from your beatdown at the hands of a silverware wielding greenskin. Do you know what it was like, going up to his wife and telling her her husband died of an easily treatable wound? Or telling his three year old son that his father is never coming home? I expect better from you. All of you.
And by the way? When the next goblin ambush came around, (most of you weren't there - still lazing about in the hospital) the panda I bought on a whim from the elves killed three of them alone. And they were actual soldiers with weapons, instead of some goblin kid with a knife from his mother's kitchen going off to play war against the dwarves! THE PANDA IS A BETTER SOLDIER THAN YOU.

- The Overseer

Dear Hospital Staff of Passcrafts:
Are you serious? There hasn't been a single medical emergency in the history of the fort. Yet the day the entire militia ends up in the hospital pouring blood all over the nice smoothed floors, you decide to have a party in the dining hall? You think just because I don't pay attention to you, you can get away with not doing your JOB!? What did you say when the messenger told you all that Dwarves were DYING?
"Hold on, Logum's about to do a kegstand!" You sicken me. The dwarves of this fortress trusted you with their LIVES, and you BETRAYED them. Thanks to your shenanigans, one of our Axedwarves is dead, another will never walk again, and because you dragged your feet fixing the incompetent band of dipshits we call the militia, one of our best farmers died of an INFECTION. From a BADGER BITE. These were men with families, and you let them die so that you could go dance and get plastered.
I hope it was a good party, to be worth all this. I hope you had fun.
-The Overseer