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[Syuviel]

Dear Vampire,

Welcome to the sealed happy fun-time lever room, where you will enjoy 98% free time, to do absolutely nothing, forever! the other 2% will consist of pulling the levers that activate the doberbombs, magma cannons, drawbridges, and the lockdown lever.


~~~~

Dear Zombie Elephants,

You are an abomination.

Love, The Voice.

[billybobfred]

Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.

Up until this moment, you've been reasonable.  Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors.  Okay, we're fine there.

Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room.  First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist.  Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins.  In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.

So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room.  You twit.  We can't even armor the frickin' military.

- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.

For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:

Code: [Select]

Ores:
             TETRAHEDRITE :      3946 Z:  85..104
                   GALENA :       781 Z:  98..123
                MALACHITE :       570 Z:  98..104
             BISMUTHINITE :        38 Z:  85..90
               SPHALERITE :         1 Z: 122


Worth pointing out: That's a demand, not a mandate, and if you don't fulfill it, all that will happen is that Urist McMayor will get sad. Dwarven InJustice is applied only on failed mandates.

[krenshala]

Oh, so the vampire mayor locked in prison will have one of the other five survivors killed because nobody has time to make the two mugs she mandated?

[Wrex]

Dear UristMcdeadhauler:

Airborne syndromes are airborne. When I flooded the map with my experimental bioweapon, running out to collect goblinite was not a smart idea.


Sincerly,
Mad Scientist.

[ElenaRoan]

Dear Urist McAxedwarf,

Good grief.  When I got the announcement of the giantess arriving I sent the whole three of you to take care of her fully expecting to possibly get only the captain back as I'd skipped making copper/iron/steel weapons and armour, deciding to go strait to adamantine not realising how slow the process was so only the captain was fully kitted out.  When you outraced your companians to the giantess, who had just finished taking apart that trader who was sitting on the edge of the map for some unknown reason, with only your adamantine axe and helm I was expecting you to at least land in the hospital.  I was surprised when first the giantess tried to run then very quickly stopped being in one place, checking the report revealed that you had chopped off her arms and legs before planting your axe in her chest and she didn't get to land even one hit.

- Amazed and not sure if she just lucked out

No, sounds perfectly reasonable. A dwarf taking out a giant without too much armor, standard. What was her skill level?

I think that particular dwarf had just informed me of becoming an axe lord just before the giantess turned up, though I wasn't sure how that happened as I hadn't sent them against much and just had them on training pretty much the entire time except for the occasional chase of goblin snatchers and an ambush that the captain took out when he had pretty much the same amount of armor.  The squad actually seemed to be doing some learning this time around, which surprised me.  I'm guessing I lucked out there.  I'm probably too soft on my Dwarves, they only get drafted if they don't have a useful skill (hence only 3 Dwarves in the squad when I'd already ended up with a mayor, a surprisingly sensible mayor who liked flasks).

*chuckle* I was probably expecting giants/giantess' to be able to bat dwarves into orbit.

[weenog]

*chuckle* I was probably expecting giants/giantess' to be able to bat dwarves into orbit.

Too much Skyrim for you?

[MadocComadrin]

Dear Urist McMason and friends,

Almost all of you are carrying large boulders to the build site, so even if one of those Grey Languars comes close enough to give you any trouble, you have the perfect defense. Please stop letting these monkeys stall you from plugging up a critical weak point of the fortress.

Sincerely,

Your Overseer.

[ElenaRoan]

*chuckle* I was probably expecting giants/giantess' to be able to bat dwarves into orbit.

Too much Skyrim for you?

*chuckle* you just brightened up my day considerably with the way you said that, thank you.

I think I've encountered giants elsewhere but yeah, when I think of giants I think of those giants with the habit of trying to send us to the moon *giggle*


Dear Troglodyte McAnnoyance and co

I'm sure you think my cavern's would make a nice home however you're interfering with my efforts to wall off and trap the entrances.  The whole 4 dwarves of my military will have a chat to you about that, that pretty blue adorning their armor and weapons?  That's not a dye.

- ElenaRoan



Urist McHunter

I unlocked that door to let the giant toad hop into the cage traps, NOT so you could get in to hunt it!  You're lucky I didn't lock you out next to the map edge.

- annoyed

[TallAsAHouseDwarf]

Dear Urist McHauler,

There are at least a dozen wheelbarrows in the storage to be used for hauling those stones, so you don't have to carry them by hand, dammit! Just watch how one or two of your friends are using them right now, they are doing it right. No move it, so I can collapse the entire pile on the caravan!

[Slayerhero90]

Dear Urist McHauler,

There are at least a dozen wheelbarrows in the storage to be used for hauling those stones, so you don't have to carry them by hand, dammit! Just watch how one or two of your friends are using them right now, they are doing it right. No move it, so I can collapse the entire pile on the caravan!

Have you set the stockpile to use multiple wheelbarrows?

[optimusjamie]

Dear every dwarf in the world:
Breaks are supposed to be just a few minutes for a cup of tea. NOT an excuse to stand around doing nothing for three months.

[Slayerhero90]

Dear Demonbloods of Fencedharvests,

   The more ways you can help, the faster we can bury the child that the gray langurs killed. And the two demonbloods that went insane. We will also make a small section of the graveyard designated for pets. I'm sorry to whoever lost their blue peahen.

In other news: We need the dining room set up. We are in a desert full of black sand and cacti. Also some mahogany. Get to work making tables.

[WanderingKid]

Dear Urist McCondomless,

Our fort, PurplexedMansions, is 240 dwarves strong.  However, 25 of them are babies and another 58 are children.  If you don't want to see your infants 'assisted' to play with the toys under the atom smasher, knock it the hell off.  We have enough problems with the yearly Goblin Siege playing havoc with the dwarven traders and FPS concerns.

Either that, or I'm going to strap ropes onto that baby, hook it to the nearest boulder, and have them drag some stuff to the quantum storages.  They'll start growing their beards a little early.

Oh, yes, and my psychopathic warrior maiden Captain of the guard... you're the worst offender.  For the love of all that's holy, what the hell is happening during archery practice?  That was NOT the bullseye you were supposed to be teaching your squad to AIM FOR with their 'wooden bolts'! 

Also, how do you shoot while holding two infants?  Did you make a carrying pouch out of your beard?

- Your overseer, who's starting to wonder if small children can be turned into soap products and an alternate food source.

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Urist McCondomless,

Our fort, PurplexedMansions, is 240 dwarves strong.  However, 25 of them are babies and another 58 are children.  If you don't want to see your infants 'assisted' to play with the toys under the atom smasher, knock it the hell off.  We have enough problems with the yearly Goblin Siege playing havoc with the dwarven traders and FPS concerns.

Either that, or I'm going to strap ropes onto that baby, hook it to the nearest boulder, and have them drag some stuff to the quantum storages.  They'll start growing their beards a little early.

Oh, yes, and my psychopathic warrior maiden Captain of the guard... you're the worst offender.  For the love of all that's holy, what the hell is happening during archery practice?  That was NOT the bullseye you were supposed to be teaching your squad to AIM FOR with their 'wooden bolts'! 

Also, how do you shoot while holding two infants?  Did you make a carrying pouch out of your beard?

- Your overseer, who's starting to wonder if small children can be turned into soap products and an alternate food source.

Dear Overseer;

You cannot stop the passions of Urist McCasanunda, the world's shortest lover.

Sincerely;
Urist McCasanunda; Dwarven Lover of some Renown.

[GreatWyrmGold]

How is ghost babby formed?

Kill a baby, wait for a ghost to form, watch in astonishment a year later when the baby grows up.

Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),

Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path.  Honest.  Now SHADDUP.  I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction.  There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.

- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.

Dear Overseer,

You told us to hunt, and there is something to hunt down there, so WHY DONT YOU LET US DO OUR JOB?

Your Hunters.

Dear Hunters...

A) Because you're morons and half the time you go hunting you do it without your ammo!
B) Because I hooked you up as a military unit and told you to always wear your armor.  Why are you wearing those socks instead of these nice leather high boots?
C) Because there's a frickin' Ogre down there!

- Your exasperated overlord!

(On a side note, apparently I have no idea how to properly get cages back to animal storage.  Still working that one out.)

Dear fellow overseer,
I can't help but notice some issues you have.
A. Ammo is an issue that dwarves have especially when combined with
B. Uniform issues. Hunters have a uniform (leather armor, crossbow, quiver, bolts), and militiadwarves have a uniform (varies). Dwarves can only wear one uniform at a time.
C. Dwarves may not realize they can't eat ogres until they've killed them, and they don't think that they're a danger until it's too late, AND it's possible that something else was attracting the dwarves.

The number of times I've experienced number 1.
"Hey, Marksdwarf! You're out of ammunition, go get some more. No, don't run at him, he's fully armoured, and you've got leather and a crossbow. Dammit, I've stationed you inside, GO INSIDE!"
*Urist McMarksdwarf has been struck down*

If you can't make sure your marksdwarves can't path to the enemy at all, try modding crossbows to be more useful as a melee weapon. I ended up giving them a bayonet.

Hm...How reasonable would it be for dwarves to add blades to the sides of a crossbow to make a crude axe?

Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.

Up until this moment, you've been reasonable.  Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors.  Okay, we're fine there.

Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room.  First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist.  Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins.  In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.

So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room.  You twit.  We can't even armor the frickin' military.

- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.

For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:

Code: [Select]

Ores:
             TETRAHEDRITE :      3946 Z:  85..104
                   GALENA :       781 Z:  98..123
                MALACHITE :       570 Z:  98..104
             BISMUTHINITE :        38 Z:  85..90
               SPHALERITE :         1 Z: 122


That's a demand, not a mandate. You can safely ignore it.

Dear Urist McCondomless,

Our fort, PurplexedMansions, is 240 dwarves strong.  However, 25 of them are babies and another 58 are children.  If you don't want to see your infants 'assisted' to play with the toys under the atom smasher, knock it the hell off.  We have enough problems with the yearly Goblin Siege playing havoc with the dwarven traders and FPS concerns.

Either that, or I'm going to strap ropes onto that baby, hook it to the nearest boulder, and have them drag some stuff to the quantum storages.  They'll start growing their beards a little early.

Oh, yes, and my psychopathic warrior maiden Captain of the guard... you're the worst offender.  For the love of all that's holy, what the hell is happening during archery practice?  That was NOT the bullseye you were supposed to be teaching your squad to AIM FOR with their 'wooden bolts'! 

Also, how do you shoot while holding two infants?  Did you make a carrying pouch out of your beard?

- Your overseer, who's starting to wonder if small children can be turned into soap products and an alternate food source.

Babies don't drain resources (I think that dwarven ladies put their babies on their heads when they can't carry them), and children do such useful tasks as hauling and harvesting plants. If you feel like cheating, you can use DT to assign the kids more labors. Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.