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[wierd]

Dear Urist McSocklover

When we have a fortress that snakes round a volcano and we mine into it from left and right, don't GO THROUGH THE FREAKING VOLCANO TO GET A SOCK WHEN I GAVE YOU 7 PAIRS A MONTH AGO!!!

Dear overseer,

Perhaps I should remind you of the current lack of any ability with which to wash clothing, and exactly how terrible a pair of socks can get in a month's time.

It should be a testiment to how desperate we are to get away from the miasma released while changing the stiff, foetid rags you refer to as XXsocksXX, that we would prefer the odor and sensation of our own flesh being blistered and burned away by molten rock, in our desperation to reach the new pair just on the other side.

Please consider these things in the future, and hurry up with that slab! It is very disconcerting being an etherial spectre.

Yours, ghostly McSockhauler

[Aoi]

Dear Neighboring Humans:

I understand you want to siege me. After all, your diplomat died while visiting. However, did your guards, who immediately fled, inform you that he died due to a pair of frost giants paying a friendly visit?

However, after THREE YEARS of siege, it should be clear that you aren't going to succeed. Especially when I've walled myself in with my self-sufficient farms, houses and prolific breeders. The trouble this time is that I did not have the chance to restock on bolts, and every single one I could persuade my guards to fire produced since this siege began has been directly at the heads of your men. What began as two squads of men and raptors has been reduced to one soldier and two mounts.

Ultimately though, I really don't mind if you want to camp on my front lawn for the next few years. It's just... your presence does something strange to the flow of time around my fortress and slows down time to half of what it was previously. Please, just go away or die already.

Thank you,
The Wet Lord Who Is Currently Drying Out This Fortress For The Third Time

[Doctor_Whiteface]

From: Fortress Administrator Kel
To: Meatbags of Smoothbanners Outpost
RE: My election as Mayor

Vampire, suckers! Line up and prepare for feeding!

wait.

You walled me in five years ago.

Shit.

[WillowLuman]

Dear Kamol Bomrekabul

Why, after a forgotten beast had been sitting there for 3 months in that now deserted corner of the fortress, did you decide to throw a party at the cobaltite well? We have safely managed to evacuate that section and delve many new apartments for those that fled, and the beast was happy to just sit there in the well room. Until you and 20 workers decided to lead it into the populated part of the fort.

Sincerely, The Overseer.
PS: Send my regards to Obum's family, this escape tunnel he dug for me 2 months before his untimely death by the beast is really superb.

[Adrian]

Dear broker,

you have only two jobs: To manage the work orders and to do the twice-a-year-trading. So when traders arrive you will drop what you are doing and GET TO THE DEPOT! You will under no circumstance spend the month sleeping or on break.
It's your fault the militia doesn't have steel armor, and if it happens again next year you're going magma-diving.

-Overseer

[bukitodinos]

posting to watch

[Schizotek]

Dear Urist McJotun
When I modded your caste in, I meant for you to be a disposable berserker to use against the orks. And indeed, most of your brother Jotun have died of extremely slow blood loss, a side effect of you have NO healing abilities whatsoever and being nearly impervious to damage. I did not mean for you to be a disposable groundhog slayer. I know the random number god is an asshole...but come on dude. Your 30% larger than the average dwarf. Your a master axedwarf, your super strong, your made of win and awesome. Granted I removed the ability for you to learn how to use armor and shields. But still. A GLORIFIED CHIPMUNK KILLED YOU. I question whether I'm even going to inter you in Jotunheim.
-YOUR LORD AND MASTER.(Who has been having a ball making custom castes lately.)

[Darkening Kaos]

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,
I understand that the walk across 2/3's of the embark is hot and thirsty work, but I would appreciate it if, when arriving at the spot that you chose to dig, that you actually swung your pick, just once, and dug that channel.
But no.  Once arriving, you decided you were thirsty and walked all the way back to the still, drank a barrel dry, paused for a moment in an attempt to try and remember what you were doing - and possibly your own name - before walking all the way over to the channel, digging out two squares, and deciding you needed a kip before continuing, going all the way back to your as-yet-sparse room.

I'll make you a cheese-maker/recruit if you don't pull up your ☼fibre reed socks☼

Signed,
Lord of All-things, (even socks).

[Aoi]

To my friendly local invaders:

Goblin Ambush 1: Stop shooting down all my migrants. The ghosts are getting annoying, and we don't believe in slabs here.
Frost Wyrm 1: Thank you for killing Goblin Ambush 1. Now, please stop turning my immigrants into popsicles.
Goblin Ambush 2: You did absolutely nothing to Frost Wyrm 1, other than fill its gullet.
Forgotten Beast 3: Not only did you melt Frost Wyrm 1, but you also burned down all the trees outside. Ordinarily uncool, but I haven't stepped  outside at all this year, so I'll just take it in stride.
Frost Wyrm 2: I have no idea how you managed to kill a fire-breathing Forgotten Beast 3, but congratulations. Maybe the plants outside can regrow now.
Forgotten Beast 4: I know it said you showed up, but did you actually just walk in and walk back out before I could even find you?
Werebeast 1: You regenerate your wounds when you change form. Not when you freeze solid.
Seige 1 (Undead): You should be ashamed of yourself. Over 40 zombies, and Frost Wyrm 2 still managed to run away after killing most of you?
Seige 2 (Human): Why did you enter on the far opposite side of the remaining undead? And please don't just sit there in the corner the entire time, that's kind of boring. Look-- I didn't even use traps.
Red Dragon 1: Thank you for breaking that human siege after a year and then promptly dying. Finally, I can open my gates. I take that back. While penning this note, it seems that Siege 3 (Human) has begin.

Forgotten Beasts 1 and 2: You've been running around on a tiny bit of shore in the underground caverns for five years. You're never, never, never, never going to get to me. Please do something else with your lives.

Ms. Elf Woman: I trapped you in that trade depot TWO YEARS AGO. All your partners are dead. You killed the animals you brought with you in a brawl for some reason. After all this time, the only thing you have to say is 'I'm thirsty.'? If you weren't so tall, I might draft you into my army. Admittedly, they tend to die glorious deaths shortly thereafter, but you ARE still elven.

Thank you,
...Intrigued.

[Lagslayer]

Trees can be burned now? How about magma'd?

[llasram]

Dear Urist McMiner
please, i know we dont have beds yet, but refrain from falling asleep in the area that will be flooded with magma, it does tend to make the others sad, and if you wait long enough, we will start making beds
      Yours truely,
             Expedition leader

[krg]

I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.

Maybe he's wearing it in place of an artifact thong?

My mind. It is ruined by the image of a dwarf wearing an extremely expensive condom.
Why have you done this to me!?

Dear overlord,

not just a condom sir.
this is a hand crafted, solid silk, gem studded, dwarven pregnancy prevention device.

Gamo.

[ledgekindred]

To Minkot Ingishvunom, Engraver,

What is wrong with you?!  The whole reason you are engraving the dining and meeting areas is to prevent a tantrum spiral from having lost half our military to the latest zombie invasion.  Why in the world would you then decide to engrave pictures of zombies striking down our dwarfs?  Are you trying to invoke a tantrum spiral?  We've had many successes against ambushes and sieges.  We took down a web-spitting forgotten beast and have some very nice forgotten beast silk cloth now.  Can't you pick something like one of those to use as inspiration for your engraving?  Half my fort is related to one another and now they will all get to see pictures of their friends and families being struck down by undead goblins every time they sit down for a meal or visit the well.  Thanks.  Thanks a lot.

Irritatedly,
Omniscient Overseer

[Naryar]

To Sazir Shemkagos, Expedition Leader

Will you stop being a complete and utter retard and, when you have linked two moats, one containing magma, NOT cross the moat you just dug, because you have detected no magma in it when one second before crossing, resulting in you dying from the burns of idiocy more than magma ?

Angrily,
Your (severely worried about your intuition) overseer

[Raikaria]

Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:

When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.

Yours sincerly:

The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.