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[Schizotek]

Dear Steelhot, the War Bear,
Thankyou for your long years of guarding the front entrance of the fort. Your function will now be served by a dozen dogs. You are being reassigned to be the personal bodyguard of our new weapon smith. My dwarves are busy building a small forest around the magma forges, to make you feel more at home. This isn't cheap, so make sure this one lives. I know making sure things DON'T die isn't really "your thing", but try for daddy.
-Your biggest fan

Dear Urista McMasterweaponsmith,
I loved you. I truly did. You were so close to legendary. The candy stockpiles were ready and waiting. But you were slain by a magma crab. Which  is pathetic. Your coffin will be placed in a furniture storage room.
-Your disappointed overseer.
Dear Catten McCompetentweaponsmith
We are assigning you Steelhot as personal bodyguard. This bear has more combined kills than our entire military. He is, by far, worth more than  any 5 dwarves in this hellhole. Get him killed, I feed you to the vampires. Now get started on that order of 100 copper swords.
-Your wrath filled dictator.

[pi_Age]

Dear f***ing idle dwarves, please don't stand in the meeting hall while it's been accidently flooded and a forgotten beast is amok in the hospital, flee damn it!

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear f***ing idle dwarves, please don't stand in the meeting hall while it's been accidently flooded and a forgotten beast is amok in the hospital, flee damn it!

Dear Overseer;

This 'ere's our designated meeting zone and we're meeting in it.  Besides, rising water just makes it easier to drink without bending over and there's a Forgotten Beast outside.  We'll stay in here where it's relatively safe, thanks.

Sincerely;

The (very damp) Dwarves

[Nity11]

Dear Urist McSocklover

When we have a fortress that snakes round a volcano and we mine into it from left and right, don't GO THROUGH THE FREAKING VOLCANO TO GET A SOCK WHEN I GAVE YOU 7 PAIRS A MONTH AGO!!!

[WillowLuman]

Dear Super Heroes,

When I ask you to build a wall along the drawbridge, start with the edges, NOT THE MIDDLE! The wall cannot attach to the bridge, so I don't see why you would just plop the stone there and expect it to float. We are running low on stone here, stop wasting it by dropping it into the volcano!

[Aoi]

Dear McWagoneer:

I honestly don't know how you managed it, but you managed to park the wagon on top of a mysterious spire of rock approximately 5x5units, 21 Z-levels up and in the middle of a ~30 unit river.

You have two options: Turn this spire into the world's narrowest fully operational fortress, or dig, by yourself, without food, without booze, to the mainland. Which, incidentally, is ALSO 21 Z-levels up.

In the meantime, I will be petitioning the Mountainhomes for a new outpost to manage.

Thank you,
Future Lord of Anywhere Else

[htabdoolb]

Dear Urist McPetOwningSwordsdwarf,
Re: That "fist fight" you enjoyed starting recently

While I understand that you are very upset about losing your beloved pet to the recent goblin siege, taking out your frustrations on one of our growing fort's farmdwarves is not an acceptable way to express your feelings on the matter. I would have though that participating in the routing and near complete slaughter of said siege would have been emotional catharsis enough for you, but obviously you felt that removing one of poor Aban's arms was also necessary part of your grief therapy.

How, I ask you, is attacking one of the dwarves that feeds you and supplies the brewer who keeps you inebriated a constructive use of your abilities, training, and equipment? You could have saved that anger for the next siege or ambush which is certain to befall us before long, but I guess that would have been too much to expect from you. You've certainly proved yourself to be completely unreliable under stressful situations.

As such, you've been reassigned from front line duties to guard duty. There's a cask of Amontillado fisher berry wine in the alcohol cellar that I'm concerned about, and I'd like you to look after it for me. Just be sure to return your steel equipment to the proper stockpiles before you go to your new post. Your soon to be replacement will be able to make much better use of it during the next attack than you could down in the cellar, I'm sure.

Oh, I've also scheduled some minor masonry construction and repair work on the doorway to the cellar room. It may be noisy and distracting, but don't pay it any mind. It shouldn't take very long, and after that it will be nice and quiet.

-Your irritated overseer.

[Sus]

Dear Urist McDesignatedDriver,

Nice job landing the wagon on top of that 1x1 spike of dirt, destroying it in the process.
I wonder, though, why you took your time after the wagon crash to build a towering pile of the surviving supplies (not that there were many) on top of said dirt spike.
Also, where's all the wood that used to be, you know, the actual wagon?

-'Sus' Fikodast, your (miraculously still living, considering the way you drive) Overseer

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist McDuke,

Urist McAxedwarf not only survived the gang of crocodiles we embarked upon, he went out and killed them all as soon as we let him into the open. He single-handedly routed the first three ambushes and a siege, before the lacking military could catch up to him. He has a long list of kills, including a dragon, minotaur, and cyclops--two of those he killed with an artifact tin axe, before I could take the thing away from him in favor of something sharp.

He is the father of three--which hang around their mother becoming useful--and saved us from dehydration before he became legendary with the stabby things, and he ran out to protect the latest caravan--the one that included the diplomat that promoted you, by the way--from goblins mounted on toads, and hauled your useless fishing ass back home to that masterwork bed you love so much, to be treated with those masterwork splints.

So, if you throw one more tantrum because you are "utterly traumatized at a lesser's burial arrangements," you are going to become intimately familiar with your own.

--The Overseer, who is currently replacing your well-crafted golden statues with masterwork cheapstone ones of large roaches (which you hate) and images of you being cast out from mayor and the occurrence of your injuries.

[Naryar]

Migrants of Highspears

When I intended to have 50 dwarves at the start of the fortress, I was expecting that number to bE 55-60 with few babies more, NOT ANOTHER WAVE OF TWENTY MORE GOOD FOR NOTHING MIGRANTS.

The overseer is angry, and is able to create magma with a flick of the thumb. So it's no surprise the last wave of migrants burned to death.

To the mountainhomes : Stop sending me your lowliest skill dwarves.

To migrants : Stop coming, damn it. I have other things to do than wasting good magma and fill up my corridors with slabs because someone can't read "population limit : 50" in the official papers.

An angry overseer.

[Henrik Undrgrim]

Dear Urist McMilita Commander,
I understand that your militadwarves work hard to protect the fortress from threats both external and internal.The tough training regimes, hard fought battles and the loss of comrades in arms has been a trial that other dwarves might not have survived and we all appreciate your personal sacrifices but could you please, for the sake of the children, ask your heroes to wear more then high bronze boots around when they have finished for the day?

Yours worridly
Urist McMayorcarpenter

[ledgekindred]

Dear Dark Gnome Corpse

Look, I can empathise with your feelings about that Elf merchant. I only tolerate them because they sometimes bring New and Interesting Animals.  Otherwise I'd slaughter them all.  Still, did you really have to punch every single one of that merchant's teeth out?  I mean, you barely come up to his shin.  How did you even do it?  Jump?  And then you didn't just punch them out, you absolutely blasted them across the landscape.  Haven't you ever heard of Action and Reaction?  How were you not propelled halfway across the map from the power of those punches?

Anyway, I had to kill you (for good) just so the damned merchant would leave the map.  And all your little friends are dead because they came after my booze.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Seriously.  Every one of those bones is an Elf Tooth.

Baffled
Fortress Overseer of Roundcobalt

[bombzero]

Dear Urist Mcengraver,

I am aware that you are 'legendary' at your job, but you do not have to run into my office screaming about the latest 'Masterwork' you created, after scratching an image of cheese on the floor by my office's window.

Sincerely, you annoyed mayor.

(for those curious, this is how i imagined the scene of my engrave running back and forth making engraving inside than outside of my mayors office.

[olopi]

Dear Urist Mcengraver,

I am aware that you are 'legendary' at your job, but you do not have to run into my office screaming about the latest 'Masterwork' you created, after scratching an image of cheese on the floor by my office's window.

Sincerely, you annoyed mayor.

(for those curious, this is how i imagined the scene of my engrave running back and forth making engraving inside than outside of my mayors office.

Made my Day xD

[bombzero]

things in DF, are just so much funnier if you imagine the scene creatively.