Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[captain proof]

Dear Craftsdwarves

I know you have it. You can't deny it. One of you has managed to smuggle an issue of Playdwarf into the fortress, where pornography is strictly forbidden. I know this because you all seem unreasonably happy, inspired one after the other into a fey mood to make thongs. If you make one more artifact thong, we shall become the laughingstock of the Spades of Reason.

-- Sincerely, Your all-seeing Overseer

PS They Mayor wants one for a hot date by the microline well.

FANG CHECK, I have noticed that Vamps are insanely happy...even if the fort is falling down around their ears.

[slay_mithos]

Dear residents,

I know you are all happy to he here, and want to show off your talents and impress everyone, but when  five of you make a stone crown, I start to doubt that you really wish for this place to get even better.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urists McEveryone,
When I told you that you weren't to hang out outside anymore due to the acrid slush falling from the sky, I MEANT it. Thank Armok it only causes nausea.

Dear Urist McMason,
I know the ice wolf corpses are scary due to the whole "not dead" thing, but BUILD THE WALLS! They aren't attacking, but if you don't put up those walls they might get ideas...I'm sending the militianaga.*

Dear Urist McHammerNaga*,
Kill those undead ice wolves. Er, re-kill them.
Don't go into the fortress, you have ice wolves to rek...oh, that's an ice wolf in the courtyard. Nevermind.

Dear Urists McEveryone,
Dump that ice wolf corpse in the moat before it tries to kill you all again, 'kay? It's sorta important.

Dear Urist McHammernaga,
Try not to die. I'd hate to have you attacking the fortress. And you'd better have a good reason for dropping your hammer (losing your hammer-arm's function counts).

Dear Urists McEveryone,
Report to the courtyard/moat/etc. We need everyone to help take these beasts down. And Urist McMiner, after discovering that your pick was capable of taking these things down, why...you PUNCHED it to death? Well, the pick would still be useful. Sorry about your teeth.

Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.

*Kudos to NW_Kohaku

-----

Dear Urists McEveryone,
Good job. Let's see if we can get a fort set up before the next fiasco. But those ice wolf corpses seem to not want to kill you right now, so build the defenses, 'kay? It's only so long before they decide to attack or our yaks starve, you know.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.

[DungeonJerk]

Dear Urist McGhost's of Rackscar's

Please stop beating my workers to death and or ripping their limbs off. I know your angry at your untimely and painful demise's that I your overseer am callously responsible for, but, like then, I still will not care. Your tantrums from beyond the grave are doing nothing but making innocent bearded workers suffer, and setting my projects back.

But like you, they are replaceable. And I am immune to your antics. Now suffer in the icy hell I have created for you in silence like good little spirits.

Signed: Overseer DungeonDwarf of Rackscar's

[Vehudur]

(I just had the largest siege I've ever seen, consisting of 290 dwarves against my elven fort)



Dear UristMcSiegers

You guys are pathetic.  You're less dwarfy then my ELVES are.

You know that last siege?  One of our recruits lost an arm and another lost a finger.  That's all.  Is that really all you've got?  Our ten legendary sword elves got ten kills each.

On the bright side of things, you guys did re-paint the entrance to our fortress in red.  Much thanks for that.

I will give credit where it's due, however.  The recruit who lost his arm fainted due to pain on a weapon trap containing 10 masterwork adamantine serrated discs, so not all the blood is yours.

Sencerely,

your Elven enemies.

P.S.  Your pieces also supplied enough meat for over two years.  See you next year.

[captain proof]

Dear Urist McPeasant,
Please stop poking fun at the Golems, they are here to serve and protect. If you continue to pester them I will sign all of you up for guard duty or I will hand you over to the Golem Forge to become one yourself

Sincerely, Runelord of Erithishlum

[DungeonJerk]

Dear Urist McVampire

This is not a training session, I don't care if you have somehow through the infinite idiocy of the tempered schism of the cosmo's figured out how to become an elite Marksdwarf through this when I haven't even given you a bow!. Stand ON the spike, let me taint my damned well with your vampire essence and spread it to the other idiot Urists!

Signed: Overseer DungeonDwarf of Rackscar's

PS: Shape up or I'm gonna rig up something and drop you on the spikes!

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McHammerNaga,
I know you need your rest. Can't it wait until after you re-re(-re? I lost track of how many times that corpse reanimated)-kill that ice wolf corpse? You're somehow managing to dodge while asleep, but try to wake up, please?

Sincerely,

GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.

EDIT:

Dear Urist McMiner,
I know you want a meeting with the expedition leader, but there's a bit of a process we need to go through first:
1. Get water.
2. Use water to keep the expedition leader, who was wounded in the line of duty, from dying.
3. Cure her enough that she will have a meeting with you.

You are needed for step 1. Either summon some magma and dump it on the ice, or dig down like I asked.
I don't want this fortress to fall because of your sloth.

Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear all nagas:

I'm just sitting back and watching the show. Sorry about trying to make an undead moat right next to the entrance.

[Lord Allagon]

Dear Urist McLazyMason:
I know you like your masterwork bed and the nice meeting hall. Now, you are the ONLY mason here. And we're flooding because of a miscalculation when digging the moat. Now, I ordered you to make a floodgate. IS IT REALLY THE MOMENT TO BE "ON BREAK"?!
Sincerely,
             Management

[Vehudur]

Dear migrants,

10 fishermen to a barren, freezing desert?

What the hell were you thinking!?!?!?

Sincerely, your enraged overlord.

P.S.  you lot get to draw sticks, because one of you unlucky bastards is going to get to scout out the third cavern layer for us.  Death is nearly guaranteed.

[Sus]

Dear Mountainhomes,

I know I wrote that one poem a while back about useless migrants.
It was, however, meant more as a sarcastic jab at migrants with useless skills and my approach to them than a serious invitation to send all of the world's worthless layabouts to my fort specifically.

Really, 80 "dabbling" farmers (with children) are enough. Please send somebody with a usefull skill for a change, preferably a miner.

Please?

Pretty please with sugar on top?

Your Humble Servant,
Sus, (despairing) Fortress Dabbling Farmer Refugee Camp Overseer

[Vehudur]

(in the right thread this time)

Dear elves of Stonewalls of Armor:

I know that goblin hammerman on that ledge behind those fortifications is REALLY scary looking, but I promise, he can't get to you.  Please stop spamming job cancelations already.

Sincerely, your irritated druid.

P.S.  An archer squad is on its way.


...

Dear Forgotten Beast #87

Please take a ticket and wait in line.  Your turn will be here shortly.

...

I have had TWELVE forgotten beasts show up this season.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urists McDwarves,
That ice wolf corpse has re-reanimated two or three times now. Maybe you should stop idling and cleaning up vomit and toss it down the zombie disposal chute, and not NEXT to it, 'kay? Otherwise it'll reanimate and kill all of you.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. And hurry up.

Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander,
It was awfully rude of you to die. What, did you vomit up your brain? And why didn't your death appear as an announcement?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear Yaks,
It was probably pretty mean of me to stick you two down in that icy chamber, but there's no ice so I figured you were doomed anyways, so I'd put you in the ZCU ASAP. Thanks for killing the dead herbalist three times now.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear Urists McSurvivors,
Good luck. I'm going to have you fight the zeds, if you want to be topside so much. Except you, Urist McMiner. You stay underground and look for the caverns. Stop dropping your clothes everywhere.
Sincerely,
Yadda yadda yadda.

Dear Urists McBandOfRagtagMisfits,
Good job beating up those ice wolf corpses. Dump them down the ZCU chute before they re-reanimate, okay? And Urist McDeceasedAxedwarf's corpse, too.
Sincerely, who cares about this part.



Dear Caverns,
Where are you? I've dug down 41 z-levels so far and haven't found anything. I'm kinda on a glacier and therefore some cavern wood would be nice.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, overseer of Canyontower.

[simonthedwarf]

(I just had the largest siege I've ever seen, consisting of 290 dwarves against my elven fort)



Dear UristMcSiegers

You guys are pathetic.  You're less dwarfy then my ELVES are.

You know that last siege?  One of our recruits lost an arm and another lost a finger.  That's all.  Is that really all you've got?  Our ten legendary sword elves got ten kills each.

On the bright side of things, you guys did re-paint the entrance to our fortress in red.  Much thanks for that.

I will give credit where it's due, however.  The recruit who lost his arm fainted due to pain on a weapon trap containing 10 masterwork adamantine serrated discs, so not all the blood is yours.

Sencerely,

your Elven enemies.

P.S.  Your pieces also supplied enough meat for over two years.  See you next year.

ABOMINATION