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[Levi]

Dear entire population of FordCrypts;

I realize that it is generally frowned upon to give an injured bed-ridden dwarf alcohol.  But surely alcohol would have been better for our dear injured Militia Commander than death by dehydration.  Or baring that, maybe you could have put some snow into a bucket and just left it on his bed.  He only had a broken ankle for Urist's sake!

Sincerely disappointed,
The Mayor

[malroth]

Dear mayor

Snow Dunnae fit into buckets, maybe we should make a well.

Ursit Mc Doctor

[gopa4]

Dear fresh recruits,

I have at least 20 spare suits of armor, as much as I appreciate the Soviet Russia style of either an axe or a shield for you it is highly inefficient and I would greatly appreciate that you follow the customized armor designations I have for all of you.

Your annoyed and aggravated overlord.
PS. You would probably still be living if you had.

[WillowLuman]

Dear Elven Merchants.

 For the last -5- years I have slaughtered your trade caravans, stolen your crap, and impaled the skulls of your predecessors into rows of spikes outside my fortress. Grow a set of balls and fight back already you pack of whiny emo pussies. Slaughtering your population one caravan at a time is too slow. I want more elf-skull-spike decorations damnit.

 - Cog McBonecarver

Dear Cog McBonecarver

Thank you for your services. We have sent you the most worthless members of our society, and are greatly entertained by tales of the quaint artwork you make from spikes and skulls. But we are bored, and now we will kill you. The old regime is over, we burned the forests to smith iron. Now a Unicorn-mounted, iron-clad elven army is on it's way. Hope your defenses are ready!

Sincerely, Cacame Awemedinade

[Reudh]

That would be awesome except that Cacame Awemedinade HATED elves. He slaughtered hundreds.

[WillowLuman]

Which is why he took over the elf kingdom, and sent them all in caravans to that fortress. He repopulated the kingdom with humans and dwarves.
By elf-army, he means belonging to him. They're all bloodthirsty human mercenaries and some elves brainwashed to think they are too.

[Greiger]

To the capital.

We have plenty of fishermen already.  Please send a weaponsmith.

To the honey badger,

The water buffalo's wounds are healing as fast as you inflict them.  Please take a chill pill before I give water buffalo blood a contact syndrome that turns you into a goat.

The administration.

[Deus Machina]

Dear military of OiledReigned,
I know I started to say that I wish the fortress would fall so I could update to DF:VD, but you guys are amusing to watch.
Human siege? No problem. Forgotten beast with a thick carapace? Urist McClubsmith knocked it out of the shell. Three FB's with poisonous gas this year? You guys are apparently poison-proof, and the untrained and unarmored new guy hosted a recreation of Office Space on the last one.
Seriously, it's like the mere proximity of you imparts badassness on the newcomers. You guys are bearded little blenders. Input donkey cheese and mushroom-wine, output fury.
Now let's see how bad we can piss off the elves.

Dear nobles of Oiledreigned,
Mayor: Good job on outlawing the export of giant leopard leather items. The single giant leapord leather item in this fortres is an article of your clothing. You can keep it.
Count: We won't export aluminum items. Unfortunately, we can't make aluminum items. Because there is no aluminum in this fortress. Or anywhere. Ever. As far as I can tell, anyway. How can you even enjoy something that you have never known to actually exist? I imagine the ribs of the Plutonian dinnerbeast are delicious, but I don't very well go demanding it, because it does not exist.
If your predecessor hadn't demanded wood crossbows, which i gave to the guards, you would have been drowned by now.

[jaxler]

Dear nobles of Oiledreigned,
Mayor: Good job on outlawing the export of giant leopard leather items. The single giant leapord leather item in this fortres is an article of your clothing. You can keep it.
Count: We won't export aluminum items. Unfortunately, we can't make aluminum items. Because there is no aluminum in this fortress. Or anywhere. Ever. As far as I can tell, anyway. How can you even enjoy something that you have never known to actually exist? I imagine the ribs of the Plutonian dinnerbeast are delicious, but I don't very well go demanding it, because it does not exist.
If your predecessor hadn't demanded wood crossbows, which i gave to the guards, you would have been drowned by now.

If you cant find aluminum here then go seize it from the Caravan over there!
Sincerely, the Count.

[grimman007]

Dear Urist McLegendaryCarpenter,

Even though your wife is the baroness, that doesn't mean that you get to laze about all the time too. I need those goddamned barrels, and I need them now.

Sincerely,
Your Overlord

well, maybe you could slow down the plump helmet production or get the stone crafter to make some pots.

Sincerely.
Urist McLegendaryCarpenter

Re: More Barrels
stfu, the stonecrafter is busy making useless crap and if I slow down the plump helmet production, you won't get anymore of those delicious masterwork plump helmet roasts you love so much.

[Naryar]

To a few dozen REALLY STUPID civilian dwarves.

When an announcement is done of another undead siege, and when the higher-ups tell you to stay INSIDE the fortress burrow, you DO IT and LET THE LARGE SERRATED IRON DISCS do their work.

Not get out of the fortress at the exact same moment the zombies get in and get a lethal welcome.

Enjoy getting killed by your own idiocy.

Note to self : next time close the fortress doors.

-The Overseer

[Die Nacht]

Dear McVampire,

Yeah, sure it was the calf.

Sincerely,
Are you F*cking serious?

[Garath]

Dear Urist McWorkshopbuilder No.2,

All your colleagues drag those one or two stones blocking the area out of the way and finish the job. I've seen you do it before. Why not this time? I need that forge, mister!

sincerely,

The Caretaker

[WillowLuman]

Dear Soldiers

I don't care that you are legendary dodgers and can do the matrix. Don't do it while fighting on heights. 8 of you fell off before one got that unicorn, and the it took a long time for the undertakers to find all the pieces.

Sincerely, The Overseer

PS and get your equipment BEFORE going into battle. It doesn't count if you remember to do it afterwards, then put it away again because the battle is already over. There's a reason we set up that magma smelter that cost 3 miners lives in the making

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Urist McWorkshopbuilder No.2,

All your colleagues drag those one or two stones blocking the area out of the way and finish the job. I've seen you do it before. Why not this time? I need that forge, mister!

sincerely,

The Caretaker

Section 3, Paragraph 4, Code 2 in the Mason Guild's handbook - No mason is to move stone when it has been earmarked by another mason for their own construction project or disposal.  You clear the job the stone's gonna be used for, and I can shift it without trouble, boss.